


R E T H I N K

by Fe_yre



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst and Humor, Depression, Happy Ending, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt (past), Tyler gets better, disassociating, except not exactly, higschooler Tyler, josh is a literal ball of sunshine, natural hair josh, roadtrip au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-09-17 14:59:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 52,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9330428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fe_yre/pseuds/Fe_yre
Summary: It wasn't supposed to be an attempt it was supposed to be final. He wasn't supposed to wake up to his mother crying. He wasn't supposed to spend weeks in his room wishing he was dead again.But now he was glad he did. Because he changed everything.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Super cheesy sounding summary because ???  
> Back again with another Joshler fic because I'm heavily obsessed.

Falling was possibly the greatest feeling Tyler had ever experienced. Falling was a freedom. A weight removed from his chest. A blankness covering his psyche. A release of things he didn't know were kept inside of him. A realisation of things he doesn't remember now. He was constantly chasing after that feeling.   
But you can't say that about a suicide attempt, apparently.   
The attempt wasn't supposed to be an "attempt" at all. It was supposed to be final. He wasn't supposed to wake up to his mother crying. He wasn't supposed to spend weeks in his room wishing he was dead again. He wasn't supposed to be even worse.   
But now it was Tuesday and according to his therapist that type of thinking was "destructive" and "very worrying". Tyler wondered how she could supposedly worry so much whilst maintaining that monotonous expression.   
He'd tried his hardest to get her to make another face at first, but her facade was unrelenting and Tyler found himself quickly bored.   
Now they sat in silence, and Tyler figured he probably made her uncomfortable but the feeling was mutual so he didn't much care.   
Her name was Helen which was just oh so fitting in Tyler's opinion. She was old old old; skin pulled taught over her joints, leaving it loose and flabby everywhere else. When she moved her arms, he watched her skin shake in a way that made him a little disgusted. She made the expression "bag of bones" come to mind in a whole new horrifying way.   
Before, she would ask him thousands of questions. Constantly scribbling on her notebook. She'd had to throw the first one away when she realised Tyler changed his answer every time she asked him something.   
She'd called him a "pathological liar". He'd figured he was just creating characters.   
He missed those times where he could wrap her up in some story he'd created. Now it was prying. Questions that Tyler couldn't lie about because it bothered him. Like when she asked him about math and Tyler had let out an disgruntled noise.   
Then he had to tell her, because she was giving him that look, and he was tired of that look and he was tired of math.   
Math had so many numbers and letters and just so much going on. Tyler liked numbers, or rather he liked certain numbers.   
He liked 3, it was safe. 1 and 2 were okay. He hated 4 and 5 but 6 was okay. Numbers above six were only good if they were paired with other numbers. 8 went well with 2 or 4 but never 3. 9 could go with 3 or even 6. And 10 was definitely a solitary number.   
When he'd voiced this to Helen, she'd sat back in her rolling chair and looked at him with her never-changing face. Tyler sometimes wondered if she thought he was crazy. Then he figured it was good he didn't tell her half the things she asked about. Then he frowned, why did she get a rolling chair?   
How come Tyler had to sit in an uncomfortable straight-backed chair while she got a cushioned rolling one.   
Tyler imagined pushing his feet off the wall and rolling rolling rolling all the way to the window-

"Okay Tyler 5 more minutes, you know the drill. Any last thoughts?" 

Tyler cringed at the increment of 5. Hadn't she heard him? He didn't like 5 he'd just told her that. 

"You know for someone being paid to listen, you sure are bad at it." 

Unsurprisingly she gave no sign of offence at his words. Just blinked. Blink. Blink. Blink. 

"I'll see you in two days Tyler." 

And with that, Tyler was free. Well, not as free as he'd liked to be. Not as free as when he fell.   
A song popped into Tyler's head and he almost laughed, but figured it was something his therapist would've told him was "self deprecating".   
Tyler disagreed. It was funny. He was hilarious. When would people see he was hilarious?   
His therapist certainly didn't.   
His parents didn't think he was funny either. They would frown, concerned. Tyler wanted to tell them to calm down.   
He wasn't going to jump again no matter what he joked about. He couldn't, he'd tried certainly, but he couldn't.   
Helen had told him his jokes worried his parents and he believed her. They definitely seemed more worried than her. 

They didn't mean any harm, Tyler knew it. He knew when his mom poked her head in his door every few hours she was doing it because she was worried, just like every one else in his family. He could see it in the way his sister looked at him over dinner. Or when his brother became a little too riled up when Tyler spent too much extra time in the bathroom. Or how his dad would make sure to word his sentences carefully around him. Maybe that's why he couldn't jump again. Maybe because when he looked down off the roof so eager to feel that rush again, all he could think about was his sister's teary eyes, or something of the like.   
Guilt was a hell of a motive. 

Now Tyler stopped at the intersection that led to his street. He was always a little amazed and slightly bothered that he never seemed to remember the walk here. Like always, wrapped up in his own head. He wondered if one of these times he would wander in front of a car.   
He debated going home briefly before turning the opposite way and heading towards Jenna's house. 

Jenna was probably the person he considered himself closest to. He had friends, but Jenna was the one that found him after the fall. At first he was angry with her. Why couldn't she have stayed away a little longer? Then he was angry with himself, why didn't he find a more secluded place to fall? Then it was just a type of indifference.   
Jenna put up with him so, he put up with her. It wasn't always great, sometimes he said something and her gaze would snap cold. Sometimes she would cry. That was the worst. Tyler could deal with angry, he could deal with yelling and harsh pain. But crying, the sadness, the look people got, he couldn't help but have a tidal wave of guilt cascade over him.   
Now, standing in front of her house, he felt like he might drown in it. That was, until the door flung open narrowly missing his face, and he was met with a pair of glaring blue eyes. 

"You were supposed to be here an hour ago!!" Jenna demanded. It wasn't a question, but Tyler knew he had to answer. 

"I didn't realise." He said truthfully. 

Jenna's glare only increased, "I bought you that watch for a reason Tyler."

"Yeah, the reason was because you ran out of gift ideas." 

Once again her glare deepened. If only looks could kill. 

"I told you a week ago we're going with Chris to see Josh and Mark."

Tyler looked at the sky in mock remembrance and Jenna let out a distressed squeal before turning on her heel and stomped into her house. Tyler grinned and walked in behind her. If there was only one good thing about being alive, it was annoying Jenna. 

"Yeah yeah, I remember. You only told me ten times." 

Jenna muttered something about getting it through his thick skull but her voice was muffled because she was busy shoving shoes on her feet. 

Tyler sighed a little over dramatically and he should practically feel Jenna preparing to rant. 

He shut his eyes and sure enough, "Shut up Tyler you know you'll have fun if you come." 

"Like I have a choice." He murmured. 

She wasn't wrong, he knew when he went out with friends he did have fun, it was just the motivation to actually go was minimal. He wasn't exactly terminally depressed, as everyone liked to think. He still could go out and have fun without breaking down, he was just... he didn't know what he was. Just different.   
He actually really liked hanging out with Jenna and Chris and everyone, he just didn't feel like walking there. And he'd met Mark before he was a cool guy and he knew from talk, that Josh would be too. Plus this was the first time after the fall he'd be going back. He just really wished they had a ride.   
Mark and Josh were a little bit like legends if you could call anything in Ohio that. And if you ignored the fact that the only people who knew about them were high schoolers.   
They were three years out of high school now which Jenna seemed to be the most excited about. A few months ago when she went to see Mark, she wouldn't shut up about hanging out with "college kids". He wasn't even in college. At least he assumed he wasn't. He didn't really know. From what everyone knew, Mark and Josh were these guys that used to live in Ohio like everyone else and go to school and live mundane lives like everyone else, and then they met each other sophomore year and started a type of "business" where one or both of them would drive out of town and come back with stock piles of whatever, and sell it to the high school kids. They started getting more and more popular and when they graduated, everyone thought it was the end of it, but it just meant they had more time to go back and forth. Sometimes they'd be gone for months. Sometimes one would show up three times in two weeks while the other wouldn't show up till two months later. But Tyler guessed they had a bunch of people's contacts and would tell them to get the word around that they were coming. They made quite the revenue off it. They had nearly all the high schoolers lined up at the skate park whenever they showed. Tyler wondered how much they spent on gas and stocking. He also wondered who the hell had the type of money to leave this place, and then come back? And was their sole revenue off of this high school thing? He doubted it. It didn't make any sense. He kind of tried to ask Mark last time they were there, but Mark was good at avoiding questions. 

"Tyler if you don't stop staring into space we are going to be the last ones there." Jenna's voice cut through his thoughts. 

"It doesn't matter when we go, Mark always sees us and brings us to the front." He shot back, but he still shuffled over to the door.

Chris was a senior and had been a freshman that knew Mark and Josh and (he guessed) made friends with them, so now whenever Mark was in town, Chris and his friends got first priority and then kind of just got to hang out and help sell stuff if they volunteered or whatever. Tyler had helped a few months ago and it hadn't been as miserable as he thought. Maybe he'd do it again. 

Jenna practically shoved him through the doorway, and then they were on their way. Tyler was tuning out, but not on purpose. It was just that Jenna was talking about kissing people and seeing fireworks and Tyler couldn't relate. Also he didn't believe it. There was nothing about two mouths touching that would ever make anyone hallucinate fireworks. He didn't understand. He chose not to voice this to Jenna, she was already annoyed enough with him. He squinted as he thought about kissing. It wasn't that he'd never done it before, he was a junior in high school after all, he just knew he could easily live without it. His therapist liked to tell him he just hadn't met the right one yet. He rolled his eyes then, and again now. He wouldn't willingly burden someone he loved with someone like him. If he really wanted them to be happy he would stay as far away as possible from them. 

Chris met them right in front of the skate park. He looked just as annoyed as Jenna was and Tyler internally groaned. 

"You guys are late." He said and Tyler rolled his eyes as Jenna shot him a look. 

He looked past Chris' shoulder to see a long line forming by Mark's van attached to a trailer; and another large truck, presumably Josh's. They headed towards the throng of people and were almost instantly greeted by Mark, who was setting up a table. 

"Chris! Jenna! Tyler!" He called their names with equal excitement like he always did. Which confused Tyler slightly because what type of 21 year old got so excited to see teenagers?   
He jogged over to them and Chris highfived him. 

"Hey man! The others will get here later when more people start showing up." 

"Alright cool, always appreciate the help." 

As they talked, Tyler found his eyes wandering to the crowd of high schoolers waiting near the tables. Most looked excited, impatient. Fingertips drumming on thighs and phones out. Some looked angry that Mark was being distracted. Tyler almost rolled his eyes. They were lucky Mark was even doing this.   
He was broken from his thoughts when Mark clapped him on the shoulder. 

"What's up Tyler? You helping this time too?" Tyler felt an easy smile pull over his face. 

"You guys got vinyls again?" 

Mark grinned and they started walking towards the cars. "Yeah Josh is working that table, but he'll probably need help."

Tyler nodded, he didn't mind. More than anything he just wanted dibs on certain vinyls. 

"Oh shit you guys haven't met Josh have you?" Mark asked, stopping suddenly and turning towards Jenna and Tyler. 

"Tyler hasn't, I met him last time I was here." Jenna answered.   
Mark said Josh tended to come less frequently than Mark because he apparently gathered more stuff. Tyler figured that made sense. Mark led them around the back of the trailer. And told one of the kids helping to watch the line.   
He cupped his hands around his mouth and Tyler frowned.

"Josh!" He yelled and Tyler flinched. He hated when people yelled. 

Hatred disappeared as a boy appeared out of the back of the trailer with two boxes stacked in his arms. He set them down and jumped out of the trailer and onto the concrete. He pushed brown curls back onto his head and stretched his arms. Tyler's eyes travelled down a tattoo sleeve full of vibrant colours and a winding tree. He recognised his T-shirt from a band he knew Jenna listened to. He caught the glint of a nose ring and instantly knew this guy seemed too cool to hang out with someone like Mark. Not that Mark was lame or anything, Josh just looked like the type of guy that wouldn't be friends with him, if that made sense.   
As he approached, he smiled and Tyler watched his eyes crinkle at the sides. 

"Hey Mark what's up?" He asked, a little out of breath. Probably from lifting boxes. Tyler's eyes moved to his arms again, this time focusing on the prominent muscle there. He snapped out of it when he heard his name. 

"This is Jenna and Tyler, Tyler's helping with the vinyl table today." Mark said and Josh's eyes found him. 

Tyler got the uncomfortable feeling he always got when meeting someone new. He felt like he should straighten up, he didn't know what to do with his face, his arms were too long and his clothes too loose, he had stupid sunglasses resting on his head, why had he worn orange today? But josh just smiled and nodded. Tyler opened his mouth but luckily Mark cut him off by throwing a shirt towards him. He caught it and thanked everything he didn't fumble or drop it. Mark tossed more towards Jenna, Chris, and Josh. Tyler groaned, earning a grin from Mark. 

"Shut up Tyler you knew you'd have to wear that from the beginning."

That was painfully true. This was the worst part of being here. Anyone helping had to wear these bright green "staff" shirts. Tyler knew it was Mark's idea. Last time he'd tried to wear a hoodie over it and gotten a ten minute lecture from him. He sighed and opened his mouth, but the words died on his lips because now Josh's shirt was off and his eyes involuntarily scanned his torso and he could feel his neck and face flush red. He quickly looked at Jenna who gave him a knowing look.   
He ignored her and pulled his own shirt off quickly. He wanted to see the vinyls.   
Tyler loved music. Which was strange really, it wasn't like he came from a musically inclined family, or even a culturally centred one. He was basically just a basketball jock with a depressing streak. How tragic. 

"Tyler?" Tyler blinked and realised he was standing with his shirt off, staring into space. And Josh was frowning at him slightly. 

He felt his face flush again and he pulled the shirt on. 

"Sorry." He mumbled, voice muffled through the fabric. How had he not noticed everyone else split up? How long had he been spaced out for?

Josh laughed. "That's alright, you wanna look at the selection?" 

Tyler was briefly confused but saw Josh gesture to a box of vinyls and quickly snapped up. He felt a grin spread on his face. 

 

_________

 

Josh eyed the boy rummaging through the music stock. He'd never seen him before but Mark had said he always helped out when he could. In bright green, he was hard to look away from. Lanky and smooth and off in his own world. His bottom lip was caught up in between his teeth and when he pulled out two vinyls Josh almost didn't catch the bands names. Almost.   
He felt his lips tug into a smirk. Not bad taste for a high schooler.   
But then brown eyes met his and his smirk was gone because he just felt awkward and sorry for staring at this kid for so long. He quickly averted his eyes to the ground and cursed himself. He probably weirded him out. 

"Josh!" Josh jumped and he saw Tyler flinch. He turned to see Mark waving frantically at him as if they weren't only twenty feet apart. 

"Yeah?" Josh called back, not nearly as loud. 

"I need your help real quick." Mark's voice was edging on hysteric and Josh's eyes travelled to a small, but angry looking teenager who seemed to be caught in a death glare battle with the side of Mark's face. Josh sighed and he heard Tyler snicker.   
His eyes flew to the boy's face, lips pulled back to reveal crooked teeth and a smile Josh already knew he might have to die to see again. 

"Gotta go be security guard?" Tyler asked, voice smoother than it had been before. 

Josh covered his mouth with his hand so Mark wouldn't see him grinning. 

"Intimidate little girls with all my muscle." He whispered before turning and heading towards Mark. 

That's basically what he was doing. Josh wasn't exactly an intimidating person, but the stature and arm muscles seemed to ward people off. Or maybe it was the gauges in his ears. He supposed it was a good thing he hadn't gotten around to dyeing his hair just yet.   
By the time he got over there, the girl's glare and turned into a kind of grimace and Josh almost felt bad when he asked what the problem was. 

".. I wanna know why the prices went up. You guys didn't have them so high a month ago.." She still had sass in her voice but he could tell it was muted. 

"Our prices change when the original product prices change." 

"That's stupid..." Josh blinked. 

"Well, I mean you don't have to buy anything if you feel that way." He said, not rudely, just kind of confused and worried. The girl turned on her heel and walked back to a group of girls in line a little further back. 

He heard a tsk next to him and almost jumped three feet in the air, though that would've definitely taken the edge off his "intimidating security man" facade.   
It was Tyler, setting a box down on the table next to Mark's. He raised his eyebrows at him. 

"What?"

Tyler shrugged, "You're losing business that way." 

"What way?" 

Tyler gestured towards the girl as if that made it clear. Josh frowned and Tyler rolled his eyes. 

"Let me handle it next time." 

"Why? You gonna intimidate them with your floral shoes?" 

Tyler laughed and Josh was suddenly very happy with himself. 

Sure enough, a few sales later, another person was complaining about price.   
Josh looked to Tyler and raised his eyebrows. Tyler smirked and leaned into the table a little, elbows resting on the edge, spine bending towards the customer. 

"If the prices were the same as last time, there wouldn't be any revenue. Besides, it's still a way better deal then the original one. And where else would you get this?" Tyler's voice was confident and Josh wondered where the flushed boy that stumbled through introductions went. 

 

______________

 

Tyler wasn't exactly an awkward person. He could sense when other people felt awkward and try to help. The problem was half the things he said revolved around self depreciation as humour or sarcasm in every form and when you're trying to make someone feel less anxious, that doesn't necessarily help. Though he had gotten practice, he used to volunteer for the church and talk to some of the children there. Now he hadn't been able to. Suicide was a sin after all. Not that he had any doubt he would be let in. In fact, the pastor would probably welcome him with open arms; but he wouldn't be able to avoid the eyes there. The sorrow, pity, sympathy, worry, they would try to talk to him, try to apologise like they had anything to do with it. So he didn't go. That was an avid visitor part of him that died in the attempt to kill all of him. 

But now it was Tuesday and he was out with friends and surrounded by good music. Now he was taking to Josh who seemed to already click with him and Tyler got a strange feeling. He'd only ever felt it twice since the fall. Once when he went out to a carnival and met Michael, and then again when he'd helped Mark a month ago standing almost exactly where he was now. It was a difficult feeling to place, kind of a melancholy, twisty, anxious, giddy, confused feeling in the pit of his stomach and the only thing he could think was he was glad to be experiencing this moment, glad he was here with these people. Glad he was alive?  
Maybe the therapy was working.   
He snorted out loud, earning a grin from Josh. 

And now Tyler was walking home with Josh's number scrawled on the back of his hand. Tyler had said if Josh texted him he would tell more people about them coming again. Josh had hummed and said he would text him if he felt like hanging out. Tyler wondered why he didn't just say that.   
Tyler had a cellphone, he didn't carry it with him.   
Tyler had 13 numbers in his phone.   
Parents, siblings; 5. He shuddered.   
Jenna, Michael, Chris, Mark; makes 9  
His therapist, the pastor, a boy from his middle school basketball team, and a girl he'd met in church that entered her number with four emojis.   
Now Tyler had 14 numbers.   
Good. That made it even. That made it pair with 7 or 6 or possibly 2. 

Once Tyler had asked his mom if he could write on the ceiling of his bedroom and he thought of that again now as he stared up at it. She had said no. They rented this place, they did not own it and she didn't want to pay an extra fee for Tyler's words. She'd suggested posters, stick on decorations, lights.   
Tyler wanted words, he had plenty to write up there.   
Instead he filled journals, corners of notebook paper, margins of school assignments. Once he'd been sent to the school therapist over something the teacher had read on his paper.   
He tapped his fingers over the hard cover of his newest book, but he didn't pick it up. He twirled the pen between his fingers methodically but he didn't write. Not because he didn't want to, in fact he had an alarming desire to, but where did he start. He wrote best on days when he shut himself in, revelled in the cold and solitude and wrote his mind onto page after page.   
But on days when he went out, he laughed, he got caught up in other people and he wanted so desperately to write about it, but how?  
He'd tried to write about the snap of Jenna's eyes once, tried the atmosphere of hanging out with his friends, the conversations, but it didn't fit. Nothing worked and he didn't understand why, but it bugged the hell out of him. So, instead of writing in his notebook, he threw the pen across the room with more force than strictly necessary and picked up his phone. It wasn't old, but it was new either; boring. Fitting. 

'Hey Josh, its Elaine.' He typed out because he's an asshole who thought he was funny. 

The reply came quicker than he thought it would, and he grinned when he opened it. 'Hey Tyler.'

'You know you shouldn't call a lady by the wrong name, or she'll get rightfully angry' 

'I'll keep that in mind next time I text a lady' 

Tyler couldn't help the smirk still present on his face, and when his mom poked her head through the door she looked genuinely surprised to see him on his phone. 

"Oh, you're texting someone?" 

"Yeah I met someone when I hung out with Jenna today." He said, and then laughed because he was hilarious and his reply to Josh was hilarious and Josh was hilarious and why didn't he text more often?   
No one to text, he knew that. 

He didn't realise his mom had smiled and left. He was busy arguing whether he should put an alien emoji or nothing next to Josh's name. With Josh himself. Because they were hilarious.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm uploading using my phone so if the formatting is weird I'm sorry but who has time to actually type on a computer

Tyler suffered the normal angst of a painfully aware, existential teenager that had to drag themselves to school 5 out 7 days of the week. Just because he wanted to die, didn't mean he didn't care about succeeding.  
So his time for texting Josh dwindled down to lunch breaks and weekends and after homework. In fact, he got his phone taken multiple times in class on account of replying to Josh.  
Jenna was convinced Tyler had some secret blackmarket affair he was planning.  
Sometimes he would read through his older conversations with Josh and wonder why he never tired of them. 

Sometimes he was in a writing mood when Josh would text him and that led to interesting conversations. Tyler was surprised to find Josh's views pretty on par with his own. So now when he looked down at his phone and saw a new message from Josh, he immediately put down his pen and opened it. 

'How do you feel about Taco Bell'

Tyler blinked. 

'Dude I'm writing about the immeasurability of the human mind'

'Write a song about Taco Bell' 

Tyler snorted and rubbed his hand over his face, containing a smile. 

'Too great for me to write about. Wouldn't be able to find the right wording'

'Maybe you just need inspiration' 

'Maybe I just need more tacos'

'Can do.'

'What?' 

Tyler didn't get a reply after that. And the next morning he still didn't get a reply. And that afternoon when he sent 'So is it a mystery?' He still got none.  
And then that evening Jenna texted him a screenshot of a text from Mark. 

'Josh and I back in town, new stock; same place. Saturday; Expecting smaller turnout because we were there so recently; could still use help.' 

So Tyler screenshotted this with a grin and sent it to Josh. 'You're an ass'

Immediate response. 'I kno'

Tyler, for the umpteenth time had to conceal a grin. And when a knock sounded at his door he switched his phone off quickly and tried to fix his face as he called, "yeah?" 

The door opened and revealed Tyler's mom. Tyler almost sighed. Her eyes flitted around the room, the floor, Tyler's arms, the top of his nightstand. Tyler actually did sigh.  
She met his eyes, smiling worriedly, eyes still flirting around. Tyler was fed up with that smile. He knew his mom was just worried, just scared, just checking. Checking, checking, constantly checking. He didn't want to see that look, he didn't want those eyes, didn't want the sad smile, the tight anxious lines in her face.  
He threw his arms up, wrists facing her. 

"No cuts, you don't have to tiptoe around it. None on my neck either if that what you want to see." He tilted his head towards the ceiling, eyes flicking down just in time to see her flinch.  
He filled with regret immediately. 

"I was just gonna let you know you have another appointment scheduled for tomorrow." She said quietly. 

Tyler flopped down on his bed. He wanted to apologise but he also wanted to scream. "What time?"

"11. You'll be late for school, get a note." 

Tyler nearly groaned at the thought of explaining to the attendance ladies that he was late, again, because his therapist couldn't see him to any sort of normal routine. 

His mom opened her mouth like she was going to say something else, but just ended up closing the door without another word.  
Tyler let his eyes close. 

 

_________

 

Josh was used to Tyler's mood shifts and usually could detect them fairly quickly, but sometimes Tyler would catch him off guard with a question or statement that made Josh wonder if there was more to Tyler than a quirky 17 year old with no filter.  
And so when ten minutes after a normal, light-hearted conversation about Taco Bell, Tyler had texted him  
'Do you ever feel like your family really wants you dead?'  
It threw him for a bit of a loop.  
So he'd called Mark.  
He'd tried to make things as casual as possible and not too prying. 

"Hey I wanted to ask you about Tyler and his friends." Not off to a great start on the casual front. 

"Tyler Joseph?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, okay... any particular reason?"

Josh paused. Yes. "I guess I'm just curious. I've been talking to him for a while and some stuff he tells me makes me think he'd been through some stuff,  
But like... I don't know I don't want to ask him if I'm wrong.." 

Mark was quiet on the line and then sighed. "Well you're not wrong... I met Tyler a few years back through Chris... it was really just like it is now. They would come help when I was in town." 

"Where was I?"

"This was all when you were taking a break."

Josh felt a sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach.  
He'd gone on break because he didn't want the responsibility or the pressure of the job. He'd come crawling back two weeks later, missing it; hating domesticity. 

Josh was silent and Mark, as always, read his mind. "Josh there was no way you could've known-"

"So what happened?" Josh cut him off. 

Mark hesitated and Josh sighed. "I don't want you to tell me every little detail, I don't need to know all of it if he doesn't want people to know. But with him talking to me like this.... I need to know what happened... how to approach it if it comes up.."

"One of the times I came back, Tyler wasn't there so I asked about it, and Jenna had said he wasn't leaving the house... wasn't speaking to anyone... I didn't want to ask why, I didn't want to gossip or anything, but I was worried about him. Even though I didn't know him very well.. he kind of grows on you, y'know?"

Josh didn't say anything, boy did he know. 

"Anyways, I asked if there was anything I could do to help, and Jenna, Chris and I started planning to bring Tyler some things that we knew would spark his interest. Most of it had to do with music. Vinyls, old instruments, sheet music, fountain pens, journals. We were making a list, so when I left again, I could bring back some of it. It was going to be a surprise. I actually got pretty into it.." 

"Did he not want it or something?" Josh hoped that was the answer, but he got the distinct feeling it was much worse. 

"No he jumped off the roof of his house."

Josh's mouth snapped closed. He couldn't speak.

"Jenna found him and called the ambulance,"

The feeling in Josh's stomach grew. The line was silent for a long moment before Mark spoke again. 

"Y'know in movies they always show people becoming magically better after suicide attempts. Like when they wake up they suddenly have this new profound sense of living to the fullest. All Tyler got was broken bones."

"He hadn't gotten any better?" Josh managed. 

"He goes to therapy... but I mean, you've met him. He's cynical and pessimistic and yet somehow charming and endearing and I just want to help him." 

 

Josh opened and closed his mouth. He didn't know how to put into words that he had the overwhelming desire to do anything he could for this boy he'd just met. 

 

________________

 

"Do you ever think about saving people, Tyler?" 

The question interrupted intense eye contact with the clock and he wanted to cry. The question directed his eyes downwards towards Helen's shaking hands and bad dye-job. 

"Never had anyone to save." The answer was out before he could stop it, and Helen looked shocked that she got a response. Tyler was shocked too. 

"Anyone except yourself." She countered.

Tyler was silent again, but his eyes were still on her. 

"If not saving people, what about hurting them?"

Tyler snorted. He wouldn't ever kill anyone. He may have hated people, but he still experienced empathy and guilt and general morality. And while he'd definitely thought about ways a murderer could do his job better, he'd never actually do it himself. 

"Why would I tell you, a figure of governmental authority that?" 

Helen raised her eyebrows, but didn't question further, instead asking how school was. 

Tyler's eyes were back on the clock, 4 minutes and 32 seconds left. He grimaced. 

 

_________

 

Josh was scrambling around, grabbing socks and shoving them into a backpack. He always forgot his socks, and his headphones at hotels. Mark had texted him that he'd moved the date up to tomorrow instead of Saturday because they'd reached stock quota. This meant now Josh had to try to get the money he'd used to stay an extra night, back from the clerk and drive all the way to Mark's studio apartment in Columbus. That was one bad thing about being the bigger stock hauler, he had to travel more, at short notice. But he did get the big car.  
Unfortunately, no matter how big the car; four hours by yourself on the road was not a fun time. 

 

_____________

 

Tyler was sweating, he hated sweating. Though, it was his fault for wearing all black. That didn't mean he couldn't complain.  
He was sticky and probably smelling like B.O and of course the attendance office wasn't air-conditioned. So now he was sitting on a bench with a bunch of soccer moms and kids caught ditching. 

"Tyler Joseph?" The attendance lady called out, reading off the clipboard everyone had to sign into. Tyler wondered what would happen if he never signed in, and just sat here for hours, pretending like he was waiting for his name to be called. 

Tyler stood, he hated this place. It felt like a doctors office was. The lady's eyes found him, and she gave him a polite smile. He almost rolled his eyes. She knew him, she knew why he was here.  
He walked past her to the counter and handed the note to the lady there. She glanced at it and then at him. 

"Tyler Joseph, grade 12. I had a therapy appointment." 

The lady's face changed to one of sympathy. She knew him, everyone in this forsaking office did. The boy who tried to kill himself and came back half alive. Half the freaking town seemed to know.  
Why couldn't his therapist schedule him after school. Then he wouldn't be sweating and miserable in an office, late to history, and being watched by a room of sympathetic PTA moms.  
He pushed off the counter and was out the door in seconds. He kept his eyes on the ground.  
He was heading to history, he really was, but then, he wasn't. Because why would he go to history where he'd have to interrupt class and explain he was late, and the explain that he didn't have a note from the office because he'd left before she could give him one. And the. There'd be more eyes on him. Always more eyes. Pitying, worried, sympathetic.  
He was tired of constant eyes, constant looks, constant guilt. He wanted eyes off him. Normally this meant he'd go up. Up to tree tops or roofs or busses or anything, but he was at school and climbing would result in more attention, more eyes. So he found himself under the bleachers.  
Not the new, refurnished ones; no he was under the old forgotten wood ones that no one used anymore. With his head in the dirt, he picked up an abandoned water bottle in his peripheral vision. He'd seen these bleachers shake when the wind came in. Maybe they would break and he would suffocate. God, if only.  
Unfortunately, there was no wind today. It was dry and desolate and hot and very unusual for Ohio, but that was just his luck.  
So, instead of suffocating to death; he took out his phone and texted Josh. 

'Is there really any point to high school?'

He didn't even lock his screen before the response came. 'Nah, prostitution is a much better option tbh.' Tyler grinned. 

'Yeah? I'm sure you'd know all about it.'

'Oh yeah, I'm super experienced. But I'm pricy.'

'So a taco wouldn't cover it?'

'No'  
'But maybe two tacos for you'

Tyler choked and laughed at the same time. 

'Can I call you.' 

The response wasn't immediate, and Tyler began to worry that he was being too eager, too strange. But then his phone started vibrating. 'Incoming call'.  
He grinned. 

 

________________

 

Josh was now driving down the road talking on the phone to a mostly silent Tyler Joseph. 

"Aren't you supposed to be in class?"

"Yeah I'm sure of that."

"And you decided you'd rather call me? I'm touched, Tyler. Truly touched."

Tyler snorted and Josh grinned.  
"No I had a therapy session and then didn't feel like going to class."

"Was it that bad?"

"No, I just didn't want everyone looking at me for coming in late."

"Yeah I know what you mean." And he did. He really did, anxiety was a hell of a thing. 

"My therapist asked me if I ever wanted to save anyone."

"Yeah? And what did you say?"

Tyler was silent on the line. Josh got the hint, quickly back-pedalling, "Did she ask you anything else?"

"Yeah she asked me how school was going."

"Oh god." Josh groaned. 

"Indeed," Tyler agreed. "She doesn't get that school isn't the problem. Well, it is A problem, but it's not MY problem."

"And what is your problem?"

"Well for starters I'm an emotionally repressive teenage boy with existential angst and transcendental doubt." 

Josh opened his mouth but before he could get anything out Tyler added, "and I have joint and hearing problems at 17."

Josh laughed despite himself. It wasn't that he wasn't worried about Tyler, it was more that he knew Tyler was sick of worry. And he knew Tyler wasn't having a breakdown right now, he didn't need a therapeutical figure. He needed a friend.  
And that's what Josh wanted too. 

 

_______________

 

Tyler was still under the bleachers when the bell rang for release and he shut his eyes at the sound. He was starfished out on his back, his phone in his left hand. It had died mid-conversation with Josh and now he was mad. Or maybe not mid-conversation, how do you judge time of a conversation you didn't want to end?  
He held his breath when he heard footsteps near and willed himself not to move while a group of girls stood close and smoked a cigarette. Or maybe it was something else. Tyler couldn't tell.  
'Stupid.' He thought.  
Why would they smoke anything on campus? And the bell had already rang they could literally walk across the street.  
He listened to their conversation about their parents and again thought, 'stupid'.  
He wished he was still talking to Josh. Josh would agree with him.  
One of the girls laughed a throaty laugh. It sounded like a dog before it throws up. He pinched up his face and welcomed the burn in his lungs, he still hadn't breathed yet. To be honest, he didn't want to breathe in whatever these girls were smoking. He didn't want to breathe at all really.  
He grinned at his joke and then frowned. It wasn't really a joke, but it... kind of was? Regardless he found himself hilarious and let out a wheeze that was a little too loud for his liking.  
The girls didn't even pause, it was a shame really. He would've rather had them found him than listen to another 20 minutes of pointless conversation. But he really didn't want to move, so he listened and listened till they were down to the butt of their smoke and one of the girls flicked it down on the ground and frankly way too close to Tyler's face. He had to stop himself from scrambling up until they were far enough away. He kicked dirt over the still glowing butt and sighed, staring at his dead phone. He knew if he went home he could charge it, and he really wanted to, but he also really wanted to... not. He wondered why he'd never laid here before. It was nice, quieter than his roof. He slid down so he was laying in the dirt again. He wondered how dirty his clothes were, again his fault for wearing all black. Maybe his Mom would kill him for it. He grinned. If only.  
It wasn't that Tyler wasn't aware of the chill that crept through his clothes, or how dark it had gotten, or that the lights he was gazing at were stars; he just didn't register it. But then he did. And he didn't move.  
He knew he should and he knew that he needed to but why would he? He had chosen this spot to lay in so why wouldn't he lay here as long as he liked it? Why ruin a good thing by leaving?  
He was vaguely reminded of a phrase about "too much of a good thing."  
He thought that was bullshit.  
He knew it referred to things like alcohol and drugs and binging, but really, none of those things were good to begin with. 

 

___________________

 

Josh jumped into Mark's car ready to recline and sleep the last ten minutes to Columbus, but was met with a grave and stressed atmosphere. 

"What?" 

"Tyler's missing." 

"What?!"

"Jenna just called me asking if Tyler was with me or you and then told me he's missing."

"No I was just on the phone with him like 3 hours ago." Suddenly his heart was hammering.  
Tyler had asked him if there was any point to school. Maybe Tyler had needed a therapeutic figure. Oh god what had Josh done? 

"Josh calm down."

Josh's head snapped up.  
"We have to help look." 

Mark nodded. "You're right." 

 

_____________

 

By the time Tyler registered his surroundings again, it was still dark, but there was no stars.  
Tyler sighed and sat up, his whole world tilting.  
His legs moved on impulse as he climbed out from the bleachers, his hands dusted his jacket off the best they could, his legs set him off towards his house as they remembered, and his head was off somewhere else.  
That is, it was until he was halfway down his street and realised every light in his house was on, and there were three cars parked on the street.  
He saw his Mom and Dad and debated turning around.  
He groaned when he saw the flash of blonde and realised he'd have to deal with Jenna. Eyes eyes. So many eyes to see, so many tears.  
And then he stopped dead when he saw Josh Dun in his driveway, curls pushed up on his forehead, worry written on his face.  
"Shit." He whispered. 

 

____________

 

Jenna saw him before anyone else, and she was down the street in a flash. She returned with a silent, and immensely dirty Tyler.  
Relief flooded Josh's veins.  
Tyler's mother sat down on the driveway and put her head in her hands.  
Jenna's eyes were flooded, voice cracked. 

"Where have you been?!!" 

Tyler glared at the ground. "School." 

Jenna let out a humourless laugh. "Tyler it is three in the morning." 

"I don't see why I should leave a place of education." 

"Tyler!! Are you actually kidding me right now!!??" Jenna looked like she was actually considered punching him in the face. 

"Not kidding, just trying to get an education." 

Jenna seemed at a loss for words, and absolutely exasperated. "Where the hell is your phone?!!"

"Dead." Ah. That explained that. 

Josh studied Tyler. His eyes were glazed over and his posture was rigid, jaw tense, fists balled. Was he angry? 

"Tyler.. you can't just..." his mother sobbed looking up from her hands. 

Josh's eyes narrowed as he watched Tyler's jaw grind, fingers dig further into his palms. 

Jenna was one step ahead of him. Her fingers were on Tyler's jaw and she pried his face upwards, but he kept his eyes downcast in an almost childlike way. 

"Tyler you better look at me right now." She was nearly screaming. 

His eyes slowly met hers. 

"How could you do this to us? You know... you know how worried..." 

Tyler's eyes flashed and he smacked her hand away, glaring.  
"Yeah I know just how worried you must've been. Thought poor Tyler's gonna kill himself. If he's not home, well he must be hanging himself off a bridge. If he's not in his room a he must be out breaking mirrors to stab into his neck. God don't leave him alone we all know what'll happen then." His words were laced with venom, and they hit. Jenna had tears streaming down her face.  
But now so did Tyler.  
And he turned and ran back down the street.  
"Tyler!!" Jenna and Mark screamed in unison. Josh shook his head. 

"Let me get him." 

 

____________

 

Tyler was laying on the sidewalk when Josh pulled up in Mark's car. He shut his eyes when he heard the door open, staying perfectly still as Josh approached him. 

"Hey Ty.." the use of the nickname would've annoyed him at any other time, but now he wanted to melt into it. 

"Do you want my jacket?" Tyler realised he was shivering, and the violent shaking in his vision had been physical all along. He knew he was being childish, but that's what he was. He kept his eyes shut and didn't answer Josh. 

"You don't have to look or talk, but can I help you into the car? I'm freezing." Tyler heard the hint of a smile on Josh's face, and opened his eyes to see it. 

Josh was smiling, albeit a little sadly, but still smiling. Not like the eyes, the tears, the sorrow.  
Tyler got up and made his way to the car. He fumbled with the door handle, his fingers felt stiff and frozen, and lost footing multiple times getting into the seat, and took too long to buckle his seatbelt; but Josh was patient with him, not judging him or sighing. Tyler appreciated that. He felt tears prick his eyes again.  
No. enough of that. He'd had enough of the tears. There were already dried tracks down his face and he didn't want fresh ones.  
Tyler reclined the seat all the way back and shut his eyes again.  
He heard Josh turn the heater on, and felt himself being covered by what he assumed was Josh's jacket. He nearly whimpered. Dumb dumb dumb. Josh shouldn't have come after him, he'd be better off freezing to death on the sidewalk. Jenna's blue eyes flashed in his mind and he winced. The crying. The tear in her voice, the fear, god why did she have to care so much.  
Why did everyone have to care so much?? How was he supposed to die when everyone was so sad about it? 

"Tyler.." Josh was so gentle, why? He was just some high schooler he'd met once. Don't cry don't cry don't cry dontcrydontcry. 

"I won't take you back home if you don't wanna go, do you want to sleep?"

All self-will and determination was out the window. He felt hot tears on his cheeks and he turned so he was curled up on his side facing the door and opened his eyes. He tried to focus on the seatbelt, or the door, or anything to distract him. But then his shoulders jacked up and he let out a sob.  
Josh's hand was light on his back, and now Tyler was sobbing. 

 

___________

 

All the anxiety and fear built up in Josh had immediately evaporated at the sight of Tyler. And now, sitting here watching Tyler gently cry, he couldn't even find it in himself to be upset. He reclined so he was on the same level as Tyler and smiled. Tyler sniffed and rubbed his eyes in response and Josh almost laughed. It was almost a giddy feeling of relief because, well, Tyler wasn't dead. But also Josh really knew he should be reprimanding him for worrying everyone. But he obviously already felt bad enough... So instead Josh closed his eyes and listened to the soft radio and Tyler's breathing until it slowed and Josh wondered if he was asleep.  
Apparently not, because 10 minutes later he heard Tyler sniff and then, voice scratchy and choked,

"Hey Josh, d'ya ever think about what your, like, stage-name would be if you were, like, a porn star?"

Josh frowned, eyes still closed. This boy was literally crying not even 20 minutes ago. 

"Wow what an out of place question you have there Tyler."

"Well? Have you ever thought about it?"

"Can't say I have."

"Oh... well I have."

"I really can't say I'm too surprised." Josh said, opening his eyes to see Tyler had turned towards him. 

"It would be Teddy Roosevelt."

Josh let out a bark of a laugh, "Gotta say that's not a very appealing name, why would you ever want your porn name to be the 26th president?" 

"Why do you know the presidents in chronological order?"

Josh frowned again, he wasn't sure why. "This isn't about me. Why the name?"

"He was a rough rider." 

Josh coughed and shot upright, sputtering and moving his seat back up to a sitting position. 

"OKAY, that's enough, we're going to get Taco Bell."

Tyler snickered and Josh could not believe this was the same boy he'd picked up off the street 15 minutes ago. 

 

_____________

 

Tyler wondered if what he was feeling was good or bad. He was kind of cold and this Taco Bell of course didn't have a proper ventilation system and the fluorescent lighting was hurting his head and he was pretty sure his eyes were still red from crying and though that fit in with all the stingers that would normally be here, it was 3 am and now tired college workers regarded him wearily. Who were they to judge?  
Then again he was just crying in the middle of a public sidewalk. And he was still covered in dirt so maybe they had reason to look at him.  
And regarding that, he was extremely annoyed at himself for crying like an idiot in front of Josh. And he was still reeling knowing that he was eventually going to have to face Jenna and his family and Mark. But he was really enjoying his time with Josh and all these tacos, and it was sending his head into this spinning mess of indifference and apathy towards anything except Josh. 

"Tyler I don't mean to interrupt your thoughts but you haven't moved for the past 5 minutes and it's starting to creep me out."

Tyler stuck his tongue out at Josh and then instantly regretted it.  
'Way to remind him how young you are.'

Josh smirked and Tyler almost frowned. He wondered what Josh was feeling now. Tyler had called him earlier and then he'd been "missing" and Josh had looked for him and then witnessed him throwing a temper tantrum, and now was here paying for his Taco Bell all after only knowing him for a few weeks. 

Tyler narrowed his eyes. "Are you crazy?"

Josh paused and then pinched the bridge of his nose. "Quite possibly."

Tyler smiled a little. "Alright."

'.i am not interested in people who are not insane'

That was something he'd scribbled into a journal a year and a half ago. 

He looked at Josh again, who had his phone out again. 

"What are you doing?"

Josh wordlessly turned the screen to him so he could see a contact screen. The picture was of Tyler and he wondered when he'd taken it, until he choked on his drink when he realised the name was now "Tyler Roosevelt"

 

________________

 

Josh's previous anxiety, which had turned to relief and then turned to confusion and then to understanding, was now a kind of lighthearted melancholy which was difficult to comprehend.  
All he knew was that he had some sort of ridiculous fondness towards this boy he barely knew and now it was nearly 5 in the morning and he was finally at Mark's house. 

"Josh! Did you get Tyler to go home?"

Josh nodded and ran his hand through his hair. 

"Thank God... is he... is he doing okay?"

Josh sighed, "Yeah... yeah I think he's alright now."

"What's wrong Josh?"

Josh put the heels of his hands on his eyes and sighed before looking up at Mark.  
"He's so cute I wanna fucking die." 

Mark paused momentarily and then, "Well that seems like a perfectly normal reaction."

Josh huffed. "I'm serious Mark I'm so dead. He's a clinically depressed high schooler and I just wanna help him."

Mark nodded with understanding. 

 

_____________________

 

Tyler legitimately could not believe what he was hearing. 

"Did you just ask me if a hold an indifference on the topic of death?" 

His therapist blinked, obviously startled by his reaction. 

"Are you kidding? You determined me as suicidal. Literally any talk of death should trigger me. It's doesn't. But it should."

"Then why are you upset." 

"Because you're being absolutely retarded!"

Again; blink. 

"Is this how you treat other suicidal kids?? Ask them if talking about death bothers them? Why don't you just climb up next to a kid on a bridge while he's ready to jump and ask him, you wanna talk about diving?"

Another blink and now she was writing something on her notepad. Tyler crossed his arms. 

"So you're upset because I could potentially upset other patients?"

Tyler rubbed his eyes and looked back at the clock. 22 more minutes until he could walk to Jenna's and see everyone. And by everyone he meant his bedroom walls because he was grounded. 

________________

 

Tyler was A-W-A-K-E.  
It was 4:48am and he sat in his desk chair, staring straight up at the ceiling as if it held some profound answer to a question he hadn't asked.  
Tyler was no newcomer to sleepless nights or falling asleep early morning and waking up with only a few hours of sleep, but this was something else; something rare.  
He'd been awake at 5am before, a kind of hazy, disorientated, hating life, wish-I-could-sleep type of way. But not like this.  
He was A-W-A-K-E.  
Bright eyed as ever and fidgety.  
He'd wrote for nearly an hour and then his hands started cramping and he'd given up, landing him in the staring at the ceiling position.  
He had one of those rough ceilings that you could pick at and little bits would come off. He'd called it a popcorn ceiling until he was ten and then he had stopped thinking about it. Now he wondered if it was just called a textured ceiling. Did it really matter? God why is he so awake?

He closed one eye and stretched one arm above his head, focusing on his hand. There was no point to this really, just something to do.  
He made a peace sign at the ceiling, then flipped it off, then stretched all his fingers out once again. Then he brought it down to cover half of his face. 

"The hell am I doing?" He muttered and then rammed the heels of his feet into the floor with enough force to tip his chair. He watched the ceiling rush past him, a glimpse of his wall and then a kind of jarring pain. He coughed. 

"The hell did I do that for?" He muttered again. It was an impulsive action, but why was it an impulse??  
Most impulses were along the lines of "eat that cake", or "kiss that person", or "say that thing on your mind." Not "Ram your fucking feet onto the ground and slam your back into the floor."

Then again he had a lot of strange impulses he couldn't really explain. 

Like the time he'd stuck his fingers in Jenna's mouth when she was yawning because he felt like his fingers would fit the shape well. 

Or staying under those bleachers for hours. That hadn't been premeditated it'd just been convenient.  
Except when he came home, Jenna and his family, Mark, even Josh. All that worry, god he didn't understand how no one else felt suffocated by it. He was practically choking just standing there.  
And then Josh. 

He'd come after him, made sure he was comfortable, didn't even ask him to explain himself. Worry in his eyes, but also clarity. Like he'd understood. 

He shot upwards from his position on the floor into an almost-sitting position.  
Like he'd understood.  
Tyler removed his legs from the overturned seat of his chair and stood up, grabbing for his journal and flipping to an empty space. 

Josh seemed to understand everything he had to say. What if that wasn't just a happy coincidence, what if that was a result of something worse?  
After all, what emotionally sound person would connect so heavily with him?  
He frowned, what had Josh been through that led him to understand Tyler's mind?

He tapped the pen on the page of his journal, still frowning.  
He snapped the book shut and put it back on his desk and then laid back down on the floor. This bothered him. 

 

_____________

 

Josh shifted from foot to foot awkwardly in the middle of the Joseph's doorway.  
He felt awkward and dumb, it was 9am what if he'd woken someone up? He should've come when Tyler's parents were at work or something, because now he was faced with Kelly Joseph thanking him a thousand times for bringing Tyler back. 

"It's not a problem... I just came to check up on him.." He cursed his awkwardness. 

Kelly smiled widely at him, "That's so kind of you, you can go right up. First room on the left." She gestured to the stairs. 

Josh smiled at her and made his way over, this was really weird of him. He should leave this was probably way too much, Tyler probably didn't want to see him. 

The door was part way open already but he didn't want to just walk right in, so  
he knocked lightly. 

"Yeah?" Came Tyler's voice. 

"It's Josh." Josh called back, not really knowing what to say. 

He heard shifting and then "Come in." 

He opened the door to see Tyler laying on his back on the floor. He cracked a smile. 

"Hey Josh."

Josh smiled back. 

"What are you doing on the floor?"

"I fell asleep here." 

Josh closed the door. "Alright," he said sitting down next to Tyler. "Why did you lay down here in the first place?"

Tyler shrugged, "You know I asked myself that too." 

Josh grinned and laid down next to him. 

"What're you doing here Josh?" 

Josh pursed his lips, he wasn't completely sure. "Wanted to check up on you." He said. 

Tyler nodded, "That's kind." 

"That's what your mom said too." 

Tyler nodded again, "I know. Why are you really here?" 

Josh laughed. "I guess I just wanted to hang out." 

Tyler's face broke into a smile now. "That's much better Josh."

__________

 

Tyler let his head rest on the corner of his bed as he listened to Josh rant about gas prices. 

"Inflation dude." Tyler muttered, peering at Josh through his eyelashes. 

Josh nodded before realising Tyler was making fun of him. Tyler barely caught the shoe that flew at his face. 

"Did you just throw my own shoe at me??"

"Yes."

"You come into my house,-"

Another shoe came flying at him and he ducked out of the way. 

"Josh, I gotta tell you man. Your ways of handling a depressed teenager are very unorthodox."

"The depressed teen in question is a smarty pants who knows too much for his own good."

Tyler blinked. "Smarty pants." He quoted. 

Josh sighed and put his face in his hands. "There's no winning with you." He said, muffled. 

Thy both were silent for a moment before they bust started laughing loud enough to alarm Tyler's sister, who poked her head around the door several moments later. Her eyes widened when she saw Josh. 

"Oh sorry! I didn't know you had a friend over." 

Tyler wiped his eyes. "This is Josh." 

Josh smiled and extended his hand to Madison. Tyler snorted. 

"Dude she's eleven."

Madison glared at Tyler and shook Josh's hand, earning a chuckle from Josh. 

After she left, Tyler stood up and collected the shoe off his bed. He picked up his journal and shifted from hand to hand, looking at Josh. 

"What's that?" Josh asked after twenty seconds of Tyler staring at him in silence. 

"My journal."

"Oh."

"I write."

"I figured. That's what most people do in a journal."

Tyler grinned. "You wanna see something I wrote?" 

Josh looked surprised. "I mean, yes. But don't people normally not show others what's inside their journals?" 

Tyler nodded. "Normally indeed." 

That's all it took for Josh to stand up and join Tyler. "Okay."

Tyler flipped through a few pages, landing on a poem/song/rant kind of piece that wasn't the worst thing he'd written, but still was generally socially looked down upon. It was a kind of "testing the waters" type of thing. 

"This is incredible." Josh said, looking up at Tyler. 

"It's actually pretty morally looked down upon." 

Josh shook his head. "No your sentence structure and tone, you're really advanced. And the topic is very important and introspective."

Tyler grinned. Introspective. One of his favourite words. Needless to say, Josh had passed this little test sort of deal Tyler had laid out.  
Now came for part two. This was something he'd come up with last night. Y'know during the whole staring-at-the-ceiling-contemplating-thing that had consumed his night.  
He'd figured that he held a weird amount of trust towards Josh and he wanted to know why, but he needed to know if Josh held the same amount towards him. If this was a mutual type of thing or if this was just Tyler liking attention. 

"I'm surprised you're not weirded out by the topic actually." It was what Tyler referred to as "suicide-centric".

Josh shook his head, "People who get weirded out by things like this aren't usually very good people."

"They usually just haven't experienced anything like it." Tyler said back, holding eye contact. 

Josh bit his lip and then shifted. "I guess, but usually they stay close minded even after experiencing things."

"You're right, usually people who have experienced similar situations are the most open minded." Tyler knew he was being kind of an ass. But he just really wanted Josh to tell him why he was so good at reading Tyler. 

Josh opened his mouth, but was cut off by his own stomach. His face flushed and Tyler laughed. 

"Are you starving?" 

Josh shut the journal and handed it to Tyler. "You can show me more when it's not so early, and I'm not in need of breakfast."

Tyler smiled. "Does that mean you were so excited to hang out with me you came over here before eating?"

Josh's eyes narrowed. "You're a little ass y'know?"

"I've been told."

Josh turned and Tyler laughed and followed after him. He was happy. He hadn't succeeded in his goal, but Josh had said "you can show me again". And Tyler planned to.


	3. Chapter 3

"Maybe asphyxiation wouldn't be THAT bad."

Josh shook his head. "No no, that'd be one of the worst. You can survive long enough for panic to set in, it'd be horrible." 

Tyler nodded, "You're right, but I feel like the worst would be like, a plane crash, or something. Like if you didn't die on impact, you'd survive long enough to watch other people around you die."

Josh blinked. "Yeah I guess, though bleeding out is a close second."

"Josh can I borrow you for a second?" 

Josh jumped, he hadn't realised Mark was standing there. Tyler snickered and Josh stuck his tongue out at him. 

"Yeah sure." Josh opened the driver side door of his truck and got out, following Mark around to the back. 

"What's up?"

"Josh what the hell were you and Tyler talking about??"

Josh frowned. "Well we started with cleaning his room, but just now we were talking about the worst way to die."

Mark looked absolutely apprehensive. "You were talking about death. With the depressed guy." 

Josh rolled his eyes. "It's not like mentioning death is going to put him into a suicidal headspace, that's not how that works. Plus if he wants to talk about it, I'm not going to be the one to restrict him."

Mark opened his mouth again but Josh kept talking. 

_______

 

Tyler leaned his head back against the headrest of Josh's truck. If Mark had wanted to talk privately to Josh he really should've realised all the windows were still down. 

"You heard him that night he stayed at the school. He was angry because everyone had assumed the worst. Like no one trusts him and everyone has to tip toe around him. He hates it."

Tyler smiled. Josh just got him. Like really really got him. 

"So that means you can just bring up suicide to him??" Tyler sighed. He understood where Mark was coming from. If he was anyone else he probably would have been upset talking about death. But Tyler wasn't anyone else. He was Tyler and he wasn't affected by it. His therapist had told him he had "disassociated". He figured everyone else was already so upset, there was no use in him being upset as well. 

"It's not like we were talking about jumping off buildings. But even if we were, it doesn't work like that. He doesn't work like that. He's not going to talk about suicide before he commits it, he doesn't want to hurt anyone." 

Tyler's eyes opened. Just how far had Josh figured him out?

Evidently Mark had walked away because a few moments later Josh's face appeared at the drivers door. It took one glance down at the open window and then realisation filled his features. 

"You heard."

"The back of the truck really wasn't a very private place to begin with." 

Josh laughed but it almost sounded like a sigh and got in. Tyler let him out his seatbelt on before the words left his lips. 

______

 

"Josh, how come you get me so much?"

Josh laughed, "Maybe we're soul mates." He looked up, Tyler was dead panning him. Josh sighed. 

"Alright. Well, as a wise 17 year old once told me, usually people who have experienced similar situations are the most open minded." 

The wise 17 year old in question shifted now. "You jumped off your house?" 

Josh rubbed his eyes. He'd just defended Tyler, but it really was disconcerting sometimes to hear him speak. 

"No Tyler I didn't jump off my house. I tried to overdose." 

"I thought we just talked about OD-ing being one of the worst ways."

"We did. When your body rejects it, all the vomiting, and the side effects. The haze and delusions while you're waiting, it's not a good time." Tyler nodded. 

"How old were you?" 

Josh looked back at the steering wheel. "19"

Tyler suddenly unbuckled and faced completely towards him. 

"Josh, do you miss that feeling?"

"What?" 

"The feeling, the seconds before your body rejected the pills." Tyler sounded rough, almost desperate. 

Josh looked at Tyler now and was surprised to see tears forming in the boys eyes. 

"Tyler-"

"Josh, those seconds, what did they feel like?"

Josh didn't want to think about it, but now it was like he was staring at a teary-eyed recreation of it.   
"It felt like... silence, I guess."

Tyler nodded quickly. "Like a weight lifted." He finished and Josh raised his eyebrows. 

"Is that what you felt like?"

Tyler blinked at him, seemingly just realising he was crying. He rubbed a hand over his face and just stared at it for a moment. 

"Tyler." 

He seemingly snapped out of it, wiping at his face with his shirt. 

________

 

Tyler's mom opened his door at 10:58pm and invited herself in. Tyler snapped his journal closed and shoved it under his lap. His mom knew he wrote, but she didn't need to know what he wrote about. She would just cry and Tyler had had enough of that. 

"How was your day?" She asked, sitting on the edge of his bed. 

"It was alright." They had this conversation everyday. 

"What did you do."

Tyler sighed and swivelled his chair around so he was facing the wall. "Josh took me to hang out with Mark."

"Did you have fun?"

Tyler's eyes narrowed at the wall. She was prying, why? "I guess."

"You guess?" 

Tyler swivelled to face her, eyes challenging. "Yes. I guess."

Her eyebrows raised. "You don't know if you had fun or not?"

"I don't know why you're asking." Tyler replied. 

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Because you never have before."

"I'm sure that's not true."

Tyler raised his eyebrows to match her look. "I go places with Jenna all the time and you never ask."

"Oh well, I know that you have fun with Jenna."

Ah, there it was. "So this is about Josh."

"No, this is about you having fun."

"I had loads." Tyler said monotonously. 

His mom opened her mouth and then shut it again. "That's.. great.." she said, smiling. But she didn't leave. 

"Apparently not." He muttered. 

"No it really is... I just... you're spending a lot of time with him.... you know, I just.. and he came over to check on you.." 

"Oh god." Tyler put his head in hands. 

"Tyler," his mom started disapprovingly. 

"Mom," Tyler mimicked. 

"You know I just," 

"Oh I know. I know trust me god, I know. You want someone to come along and fix your broken son. You had hoped Jenna would, but it's been months. Now there's a new boy that I'm texting and hanging out with. I'm sure you were so excited to see me with someone who seems to care so much. Well. Sorry to disappoint, again. But Josh is 21, he technically can't legally date me. And even if he could, I wouldn't burden him like that."

"Tyler-"

"I don't want to burden anybody like that, in fact, I don't want to burden you like that. That's why I fucking tried to-"

"Tyler!" His mom was up and out of his room in seconds, voice broken. 

Tyler threw his pen across the room. "Shit."

He sighed. Tyler didn't have a bad mom. In fact she was a really good mom. She was caring and gentle and she had taken care of him and put him through school, she fed him, kept him away from strangers as a kid. Didn't hit him or scream, by all standards she was a very good mom. She just... didn't understand. 

Tyler laughed. Great, now he sounded like a 12 year old going through the alleged "emo phase".   
Maybe he was. He rubbed his eyes. He wished this was a phase. He wished he could wake up and suddenly be able to not care so much about everything. Or maybe he didn't care enough. No, he wished he could care about trivial things like everyone else and not so much about human purpose and living.   
Why couldn't he just go to school and get wrapped up with stupid drama and bullies or something?   
No instead his mom was downstairs crying because for some reason he couldn't stop himself from lashing out when it came to her.   
He took his phone out of his pocket and looked at the lock screen. It was the picture that came with the phone automatically. Along with his voicemail, and any custom settings. Except of course the girl from church with the four emojis, and Josh with an alien emoji. 

Now he hovered over his and Josh's conversation, debating. He typed out nonsense and then deleted it.   
Tyler's mom had obviously thought Josh had some sort of feelings towards Tyler and Tyler wanted to laugh. Who in their right mind would ever had feelings towards someone as cynical and pessimistic and messed up as him?   
Once, after his mom had asked him for the thousandth time if Jenna and him were dating, he'd snapped and told her if she wanted him to find someone so badly then she might as well drive him to a psyche ward.   
Physically, Tyler knew he wasn't bad looking. He was lanky and thin and tan. He had heard girls talk about his hair before which was an extremely awkward experience, and he didn't have acne or bad facial structure. By societal standards he was pretty good looking, but Pandora's box looked pretty appealing too. 

He glanced down at his phone. 11:39. 

'Do you wanna go for a drive?'

Josh's reply came quickly as always. 'Last time I checked you didn't drive.'   
Tyler snorted. God no. He was far too impulsive to drive. 

'Last time I checked you did.'

'So you're asking me to drive you around?'

'Truly a modern day Sherlock.'

'I'll be there in ten' 

Tyler looked at his phone for a moment. 'Thank you' 

Now came the hard part. Time to tell his mom. As much as he did feel bad about making her upset, he had told the truth. So what was he supposed to do?

_______

 

Tyler was quiet when he got in the car, and Josh took it as a hint to let him think. He force him around the block and then out into a bigger road. 

"Thank you." Tyler said. 

Josh glanced at him. "For what?"

"This." Tyler gestured to the road.

Josh nodded and Tyler continued.   
"Though I do wonder why."

"Why what?"

"Why you agreed to this." 

"Because I want to hang out with you."

Tyler smiled but it faded quickly. "I know you understand me, but why stick with me? You could've easily just pinned me as bad news and left me alone."

"I could've." Josh agreed. And that was all it took for Tyler to smile again and look out the window. 

They were quiet for a while, they were up on a road that overlooked a steep drop and Tyler was leaning towards his window to look at the houses. Josh glanced at him, he seemed so focused. Eyebrows knotted together, bottom lit caught in his teeth. 

"What are you thinking about?"

"If we were to drive off this cliff and hit the houses down there, it'd be cool to drive on the roofs."

Josh frowned. "Well I mean yeah it would be, but it wouldn't work. The roof would break and we'd go through. Or if the roof was made of like, solid stone or something, we'd die on impact." 

Tyler laughed and looked at him. "Wow I love when you talk realistic to me."

Josh grinned. "You know what's not realistic?" 

"What?"

"That a high school boy's mom let him out at midnight to drive around with a stranger."

"No she likes you, you brought me back down after all. Talked me off the ledge of you will." He said dramatically. 

"That's not true."

"You're right. I wouldn't have killed myself. Through you did save me from spending the night on the sidewalk which I appreciate."

"Anytime Tyler." 

"Also it's not like I'm 15, I'm a senior. I turn 18 in a few weeks and then I only have till may until school is out."

Josh frowned. He could've sworn Tyler was a junior. "I thought your friend Chris was a senior?" 

"He is. A super senior."

"Ohhhhh he got held back." 

Tyler nodded. "Wasn't allowed to graduate because he refused to do his senior project on social welfare."

Josh laughed, "Mine was on social security, but I was too much of a good kid to not do it."

"Mines on political bands."

"Is that why you know so much about Teddy Roosevelt?"

Tyler laughed and Josh was once again, pleased with himself. "Yeah, you know he also lied about his achievements... so my porn name theory still stands. 

Josh was red in the face, trying not to laugh. But then Tyler muttered "Daddy Roosevelt" and he lost it. 

______

 

"When's the next time you head out?" They were parked in a nearly empty parking lot. Tyler wondered what the three other cars were doing here. 

"To get stock? I'm not sure we've been so frequent lately that Mark thinks we should plan for a bigger collection."

"What does that mean?"

"Well it means that we'll probably do a few smaller scale ones with remaining stock, and then he'll send me out for a while and he'll cover local market."

Tyler stopped focusing on the minivan in front of them and turned to Josh. "So you'd be gone for a while huh?"

Josh scratched the back of his head, "a month and a half at most." 

Tyler nodded, turning back towards the minivan.   
"Do you like stocking? Or is it more work than play?"

Josh shrugged, "I guess it's just kind of strange being on the road for that long by yourself."

"You've never taken someone with you?" 

"No one's ever wanted to go. It's not exactly the dream. I survive off extended stay hotels and fast food." 

"This thing must get great gas mileage." 

Josh chuckled, "Yeah I guess it does. Silver lining." 

Tyler was quiet so Josh took the opportunity to ask, "you ready to go home?"

Tyler remained silent for a few moments and then looked at Josh. Why was he even out here? Why had he even texted Josh? He could've just gone outside and screamed the sky and felt better, but he'd immediately sought out Josh instead. He sighed. He didn't want to think about it.   
"Yeah I think I am."

__________

 

Tyler figured he really needed to stop landing himself in this staring-at-the-ceiling-wanting-to-write-at-dawn-position.   
But he couldn't help it. 

"No one's ever wanted to go." He mumbled. He'd wanted to scream "ME!!!!"   
But how could he do that?  
His mother would never let him skip school to go on a road trip. And Josh wouldn't want the burden. So he'd stayed silent and let Josh drop him off. 

And the golden part, he'd gotten a text not even five minutes later from Josh. 

'Are you feeling better?'

Why did he have to care so much? How was Tyler supposed to continue on with his "no feelings allowed" charade when Josh made him want to feel so much. 

"I'm never what I like, I'm double-sided. And I just can't hide, I kinda like it when I make you cry. Cause I'm twisted up. I'm twisted up inside my mind." He laughed as he recalled the words he'd wrote in his journal. That was one of the first finished pieces he'd done. And now it was more relevant than ever. 

Hiding half of himself didn't seem very protagonistic of him, but he didn't want to be a protagonist he wanted to be dead.   
After all he'd been hiding things from his therapist for months, so why was he having an issue with it now?

He knew why.   
Josh. 

Josh was not some old lady paid to listen to dozens of kids. He wasn't so clueless about the situation. He didn't believe everything Tyler said and he didn't undermine or shelter him. He was Tyler's friend and brilliant and Tyler didn't feel guilty around him and Josh never used the increment of five around him because he listened more than anyone else. 

Oh god.   
Oh god oh no.   
A realisation in the pit of Tyler's stomach now spread, flushing his face red.   
He can NOT have any sort of feelings for Josh that can absolutely not happen to him. 

He put his hands over his face. Is this what he'd wanted? He'd wanted to get wrapped up in a high schooler life right? Well now he had a crush on an older guy, isn't that a normal high schooler thing??

Except he was still "twisted up inside", he still wanted to die, he still was the same indifferent asshole who made his mother cry two hours ago. Except now he was gonna ruin a friendship with the nicest coolest guy he'd ever met because he couldn't process positive emotion without it getting to his head. 

____________

 

Josh sat against his door and leaned his head back. His keys were in one hand, and his hat in the other. 

"What am I doing?" He muttered. 

He'd really just gone and picked up a high schooler and drove him around at midnight just because he'd texted him. There hadn't even been any hesitation, in fact Josh had jumped at the chance.   
He brought his head back so it hit gently against the wood. 

"Dumb." He whispered. Because he was. He was so dumb. And ridiculous and too involved. He didn't even know Tyler very well. 

That was a lie. He knew Tyler too well. He knew him so well that he'd probably give Jenna a run for her money and that was terrifying to him.   
Because why the hell did he know so much about this boy. And why didn't it bother him?   
Normally wouldn't a 21 year old try not to hang out with a 17 year old? But instead Josh found himself wishing he could spend more time with Tyler.   
He thought of Tyler saying "normally indeed." And groaned. That was the problem. Things Tyler said just popped into his head throughout the day. 

During conversations with others he'd find himself disappointed by there lack of snark. He started realising how much other people filter what they say. Or how socially acceptable everyone needed to be. 

Tyler had somehow managed to mess up his whole mental state in less than a month and it was ridiculous and he knew he should be trying to distance himself, get back to a semi-regular place, but he didn't want to. He wanted to dig deeper. He didn't want to change Tyler, he wanted Tyler to trust him enough to open up more and get out some of the things he was keeping inside of his head. He wanted to be there for him and that by itself was a horrifying new emotion for Josh. 

And then he was hit with a truly profound and crushing epiphany. And he phrased it in a way not even the greatest wordsmith could top.   
"I'm fucked."

"Josh?"

"Mark! Sorry!! I didn't mean to wake you up! I forgot you were here."

"What was all that thumping?" 

Definitely not Josh slamming his head into the door. "I didn't hear anything."

Mark frowned. "Why are you up?"

"I... went for a drive." 

Mark leaned against the doorframe. "With Tyler?"

"What?"

"So yes."

Josh got to his feet. "He's just... I just.."

"I know I know," Mark said, turning and walking back down the hallway. "He's so cute you wanna die." He heard Mark's door shut. 

"Now more than ever." Josh muttered.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the positive response to this it's incredibly encouraging!

"Tyler don't you have like school or something right now?"   
They were laying on the floor of Josh's shared apartment because Tyler had texted him saying "I want you to hear something."

That "something" had been a band that Josh already actively listened to, but he still laid down with Tyler anyways. 

"No it was early release today."

"Why?"

"I don't know but," he turned to look at Josh. "If you were a therapist, don't you think now would be the appropriate time to schedule an appointment. And not at 10:30 when I'm most definitely going to be in school." 

"Your therapist seems like kind of an ass."

Tyler looked back at the ceiling. Josh had popcorn ceiling too. "She's not purposely an ass, she's just.. I don't know, clueless?"

Josh was quiet so Tyler continued. "Though sometimes it's nice to get out of certain classes because I can't handle how content everyone is."

"What do you mean?"

Tyler smiled, he knew Josh would talk about this with him. "Okay so, everyone is just leading mundane little lives. But they don't even realise it's mundane. Like they're so okay with the same thing everyday. They all get caught up in appearance and drama and class that they don't even realise none of that matters. Like we live on a rock in space and you want me to memorise vocabulary words??"

____________

 

"So what are you interested in then?" 

Tyler's smile grew and Josh couldn't look away. "I'm interested in something different, a purpose, a life that I'm not so bored with." His eyes were lit up in a way Josh had never seen them before and he found himself desperately trying to keep the conversation going. 

"Like what?"

"Like... I don't know. But something. It's part of the reason everyone else bothers me so much. Like, when's the last time you tried something new. Or did something for the first time?"

Josh bit his lip. 

"Exactly! We're all so content with what we're used too. We all order the same thing at the same restaurants and buy the same style of clothes at the same stores."

"Are you insulting my style, because I think I look pretty cool."

"You do, but you know you would never wear like, a Hawaiian shirt."

"Well yes, but only because they're hideous."

Tyler laughed. "That's not the point. The point is, you're used to your style, you like it, so that's what you go for. You don't stray from it. Like I'm never going to dye my hair orange because I like my hair."

"You do have nice hair."

"Thank you, girls at my school would agree with you. Anyways, that's why I hate everyone." 

"So what? You wanna go sky diving?"

"God no."

Josh laughed. "Oh yeah, Mark figured out the schedule for us."

"Yeah? What's going on?"

"I won't have to make a big stick trip until June, and during that time I'm gone he'll be doing small gatherings for focused groups, and when I get back we'll do probably the biggest one we've ever done."

"I've been meaning to ask, where do you get all your guys budget from? Like obviously revenue from sales, but is that the sole place?"

"You're a smart kid Tyler. Mark works a second job because I make bigger trips, but actually we make a lot of profit off the sales." 

"I know I'm a smart kid."

"And a smart ass apparently."

_________

 

"Alright Tyler. Tell me what's been going on." Tyler felt much like cornered prey. Except in this instance, the predator was a pretty blue-eyed, blonde girl. 

"What do you mean?"

"I haven't seen you in two days, and when I texted you, you actually answered?! You texted me back!! Who are you??"

Tyler sighed. "I had my phone with me."

"Exactly!!"

"I was with Josh."

Jenna's eyebrows shot up. "And you've been texting him. Like at school. Like you've been bringing your phone. To school. To text him."

Tyler blinked. "I'm aware."

"Oh my god." 

"What."

"Oh my god."

"What?"

"Oh my god."

"Jenna this isn't helping my understanding of the situation."

Jenna slapped his arm. "Ow! Why?!"

"YOU!"

"THAT DOESN'T EXPLAIN ANYTHING."

She pushed the side of his head. "JENNA STOP ABUSING ME."

Suddenly she stepped forward and hugged him. 

"Okay, I don't understand any of what is happening." He said stiffly, patting her back awkwardly. 

She laughed and then took a breath. "Anyways, you wanna go get frozen yogurt?"

"What?" Tyler was exasperated. "I.. I guess.... what?"

But, Jenna was not about to explain anything to him apparently. Because then she pulled him out the door with her. 

_______

 

Josh was in a predicament. And by that he meant he'd gone shopping with some of his friends to catch up and now he was dead ass staring a Hawaiian shirt in the face... or torso...

"Josh? Are you coming?" One of his friends asked, they were all heading towards the exit. 

"Yeah.." he looked away from the display. He was most definitely NOT buying a Hawaiian shirt, regardless of what Tyler Joseph had to say. 

___________

 

'Come outside'

Tyler raised his eyebrows at his phone. 'Why?'

'Get out here before I drive away.'

Tyler sighed and left his living room, opening the front door to see Josh's truck parked on the curb. He smiled and walked up to the rolled down window. He folded his arms and leaned into the window. 

"Hi."

"Tyler get in people are going to think you're a prostitute."

"And what? That I'm working out of my home in the Christian suburbs?"

Now it was Josh's turn to grin as Tyler got in the car. He waited for him to situate himself and then looked at him expectantly. 

Tyler looked around. "What?"

Josh said nothing, just staring. 

"Josh?"

Slowly his hand raised up, and he whipped his hat off. 

Tyler's eyes lit up like the fucking moon and Josh suddenly did not care he'd gotten a mohawk for this sole reason, because it was worth it. 

"Oh my god!" Tyler's hands were all over his head, tugging at the brown curls as if he thought they were fake. 

"D'ya like it?" Josh asked, trying to lift his head but Tyler kept pushing him back down to inspect his hair. 

Finally Tyler let him up. "It's incredible! It looks so cool!" 

"Thanks, I just got it done. I think I like it a lot."

_________

 

"I am an idiot." Josh said, staring at himself in the mirror.  
And he was. He was a complete idiot. He shaved his head because he wanted a 17 year old boy to think highly of him.   
He was crazy. He had to be.   
Mark was going to kill him. 

"I am an idiot." He repeated. Though, the look on Tyler's face had been priceless. Josh hadn't ever seen him grin like that. He seemed so genuinely happy that Josh could almost reason with himself that it was worth it. Almost. 

"I'm an idiot." He muttered once more, wringing his hands over his face. 

"You know they say self reflection is important, but I'm not sure this is what they meant."

Josh slammed backwards, hand over his heart. "Christ Mark, why do you always do that?" 

Mark raised his eyebrows, leaning against the doorway. "I don't know skunk." 

Josh put his hands back over his face. "I know."

"It doesn't look that bad, actually it looks pretty cool.. though I didn't pin you for the mid-life-crisis-at-21 type of guy."

"It wasn't a mid-life crisis, it was an I'm an idiot and Tyler Joseph is going to be the death of me crisis."

"He did it?"

"No, I got it done professionally. But he put the idea into my head."

"He said "Josh get a Mohawk"?" 

Josh shook his head. "No he complained about people being boring."

"So you wanted to prove that you're not? Josh you already have gauges, a nose ring, and a full tattoo sleeve."

"And a Mohawk." 

"How could I forget."

"I'm an idiot." 

Mark sighed, "look it's really not bad at all Josh. And you're always wearing a hat anyways."

That had made Josh feel a little better until he and Mark went to hang out with Jenna, Tyler, and Chris the next day and the first thing Tyler had done was come up and snatch the hat off his head. 

_________

 

Tyler stared at Jenna for what felt like an hour and then groaned. "Not you too."

Jenna was poofing his hair up. "I'm just saying, you're going out with Josh, to the movies, by yourself. I feel like you should look nicer."

It was true, Josh had invited Tyler to see a movie with him and for some reason everyone was acting like he declared his undying love for Tyler or something. And while Tyler was excited to see the movie and hang out with Josh, he was not excited to come back to the thousands of questions from his mother and Jenna about the events that unfolded. 

"Jenna I came over here to escape that same kind of talk from my mom."

"Well she's right then."

"Oh my god, I'm with Josh by myself all the time."

"Hmmm." Jenna replied, still messing with his hair. 

His phone vibrated and he opened it. 'Tyler, something came up. I'm really sorry, I'll text you tonight, can't make it rn.'

Tyler's heart undeniably sank, but he used it to ward off Jenna. "Look he can't even make it."

Jenna's smile fell. "I'm sorry Tyler.." she said quietly. 

Tyler rolled his eyes, "It was just hanging out, I can do that with him anytime." He said, turning and leaving her house. 

"Tyler wait-" but Tyler had already closed the door. 

He felt his phone vibrate agin but he didn't bother checking it.   
He was being stupid, he felt stupid.   
Like he said, he was only hanging out with Josh and something came up, so why did he feel so mad.   
His family and Jenna had hyped it up so much as if it were any different than going to Josh's apartment or hanging out in his truck. He looked down at the shirt his mom made him wear. He'd come down stairs in a white T-shirt and his mom had made him put a shorter black one over it so the white one stuck out at the bottom a few inches. And while admittedly it did look good, he just felt dumb wearing it now.   
He took it off, pulling it over his head and throwing it in the street. 

He knew he was being childish, rude, even.   
His mom had paid money for that shirt and he had no right to throw it in the street like that. He recognised that, but he really didn't care. Maybe a homeless person would find it. Or it'd get run over and torn to shreds. He didn't care. Or he cared too much. He always got those two mixed up. 

He wanted to go home and wrote passive aggressively into his journal but he knew the minute he walked through that door his mom would be all over him like ugly on an ape. Asking a million questions, and then after finding out she'd look at him just like Jenna had. 

"I'm sorry." He muttered, using the sympathetic tone Jenna had used. He kicked a rock hard down the sidewalk. And then felt bad. What if he was that rock and someone had come and kicked him down the street? He felt like that rock. 

"I'm being an overdramatic, sensitive child." He said out loud.   
Though it didn't do much to change his behaviour because he kicked another rock down the sidewalk, this one hitting a parked car with a "ping!" 

He liked that noise. 

__________

 

Josh was pissed off. He had plans with Tyler today. He had wanted to see that movie with him and watch his reactions and hear his sarcastic remarks. But instead he was stuck at the dinner table with his family. 

He didn't even know how they knew he was in Columbus, though he guessed Mark had tipped them off. 

His mom texted him, and while normally he would've just ignored it, she said 'Please Josh, its a big announcement. It won't take long. Please, for your sister?'

And what he supposed to do? 

Not that he had bad parents. In fact his whole family was extremely nice and understanding and he really should talk to them more, but they reminded him of things he'd rather forget. 

But now here he was, the whole Dun family sitting around the table staring at his tattoo and piercings and Mohawk because Tyler still had his hat. 

"... I like your tattoo Josh.." his brother Jordan said after an eternity of silence. 

Josh managed a half smile. "Thanks.."

"So, um.. Ashley has an announcement to make." His mom began. 

His sister smiled. "Yes," she took a step back to hold hands with some guy, presumably her boyfriend. "Andrew and I have been dating for two years now, and we have decided, we are getting married."

Abigail and Jordan were quick to jump with joy, smiling and clapping for their sister. His mom smiling, his Dad shaking Andrew's hand. 

What was Josh supposed to do? 

He hadn't seen his sister face to face in years. He'd only seen his mom in short awkward minutes during the holidays. He didn't even know this guy.   
He stood up and smiled at Ashley. 

"Congratulations, Ashley.." he said quietly. 

She smiled at him. "Thanks for being here Josh." 

He nodded and then waved to everyone. "I gotta go." 

And with that he was at the door. In and out of his family home in half an hour. No damage done right? Wrong. 

He checked his phone for the first time in 45 minutes. No response from Tyler. 2 missed calls and 3 texts from Mark. 

The first one was just, 'Are you still at your parents?'

The second one was an address. And the third read: 'Tyler just got back from the police station for vandalising a car. At his therapists now. Texted you the address.'

______

 

Tyler had counted 4 people, 24 minutes, 14 disapproving looks, and 36 floor tiles when Josh showed up. 

"Josh.." Tyler's mom said, relief in her voice as if Josh's presence was going to fix everything. 

"What happened?" He asked, looking right at Tyler. Though Tyler had no time to answer because his therapist decided she was going to do the talking. 

"Tyler was caught vandalising a car and the owner punched him in the face and called the police."

She looked back at Tyler. And he knew everyone in the room was looking at the purplish bruise over the entire top left side of his face. 

"He punched you? Your a minor the guy should be in trouble." Josh said, anger showing in his voice, still talking directly to Tyler. 

"He is, he's still at the station talking to the police over assault of a minor." His therapist answered in his place. Again. 

"Okay well, the minor in question is sitting right here." He said, annoyed. 

His therapist looked at him in surprise. "Yes and he's been mute until this moment. Suddenly he's found his voice again."

Tyler looked directly at the floor, continuing his count of floor tiles. 

"Tyler what happened..." his mother asked, her voice gentle as if she was afraid to be angry with him. 

He didn't answer. 

"Can everyone leave? He's not going to answer with everyone here. Legally, I have to be here to collect his statement, but everyone else..." Helen said. 

People started filing out, but she stopped Josh. "You stay." 

Josh sat in the chair directly across from Tyler. 

After the door was shut, Helen said "Tyler I want the real story. What happened."

"You said it yourself. I vandalised a car and the owner punched me in the face. He is now facing charges of assault on a minor-" Tyler started monotonously. 

"Tyler stop being a smartass." Josh said. Helen looked at him in surprise. Tyler bit his cheek and looked up at him. 

"That's a very unorthodox way of dealing with a minor patient with a mental illness." Tyler said in the same tone. He felt numb. 

"Yeah well I know very well that you're not the type of dumbass to go around destroying others property for no reason, especially not in broad daylight. Now I just got out a very stressful dinner with my family, who I didn't want to see, and instead of picking you up to hang out, I have to come down here to you being a total asshole." 

Josh was angry with him. Like actually angry. And he was letting him know it. Instead of a hushed whisper. Instead of being careful in case he went over the edge again. It's was dumb of him Tyler loved it.   
He bit his cheek harder. He was sure he was tasting blood. "I liked the sound." 

Josh crossed his arms. "The sound of what? A guy punching you in the face?" 

"No the sound of the car. I kicked a rock into it and I liked the sound. So I kicked another rock. And another. And then I started throwing them. And then I mis-aimed with a bigger one and his window broke. And then his alarm went off. And next thing I know I'm knocked out cold and asshole mcgee is standing over me with a phone."

Josh rubbed the heels of his hands over his eyes. 

Helen cleared her throat. "Tyler is taking two SSRI's named Paxil, and Zoloft. They can cause irrational behaviour and lapses of judgement."

"I didn't do it because of medication."

"I know that Tyler!" She snapped, then she breathed in slowly.   
"I know..." she began again. "But if you don't want to spend six months in a juvenile facility with minor obstruction of property on your record, you better act like you did."

Tyler sat back in his chair. 

__________

 

20 minutes of assuring Tyler's mom that he'd take him home later, Josh was sitting in his truck with a very silent Tyler.   
He breathed in and then sighed and looked at Tyler. He was sitting with his hands in his lap, head bowed. 

Josh turned Tyler's head towards him and began wiping the line of dried blood off Tyler's cheek. 

"What an asshole." Josh muttered. 

Tyler's eyes met his. "Are you talking about me?"

Josh smiled slightly, chest unwinding.   
"No, Tyler. Not you." He murmured, finishing his job with Tyler's face and throwing the napkin out the window. Littering was the least of his worries right now. 

After a few minutes Tyler spoke up. "Are you still mad at me?"

Josh sighed. "No I wasn't mad in the first place."

"You seemed pretty mad." 

"Anger was the only thing you were going to respond to, you wouldn't have given a statement otherwise."

Tyler laughed softly and Josh looked at him. "Y'know I don't think you're in a position to be laughing." 

"No, it's just that you always know me so well."

"I know." Josh replied, shaking his head. 

It was quiet and it gave him the unpleasant opportunity to relive the conversation he'd just had with Tyler's mom while Tyler was talking to the police officer. 

§  
"Mrs.Joseph, you don't need to cry. It's okay Tyler isn't getting into legal trouble. It's okay. I'll take him home."

"Thank you Josh, thank you so much."

"It's not a problem, I think you need the break anyways."

"No no, I mean thank you for being here and thank you for always being able to calm him down. And thank you for taking care of him."

"I.... I'm not... I'm just trying to help him.. in just his friend."

"And a very good one. I wish you could be with him all the time. You're so good for him. Thank you, Josh."  
§

Josh parked in an empty lot and put his head in his hands. He wished he could be with Tyler all the time too. He wished he could be there every time he felt like he did before the car thing. Or before the school thing. Or before everything. But how could he?

"I'm sorry Josh." Tyler said. 

Josh shook his head. "What did the cop say?"

"He said I'd have to have this five month plan. I'll have to have two visits with Helen a week and if I show any signs of violence or anything they're gonna temporarily put me in a psyche ward until they determine my mental state."

Josh nodded. And then he realised, "So you'll be done with this plan right as you get out of school?" 

Tyler nodded. 

"Tyler I have something to ask you."

"Okay... is the suspense for your own personal aesthetic or..?"

Josh shook his head. "I need to ask your mom as well."

Tyler raised his eyebrows, "is this a marriage proposal."

"You wish." He said, and then shivered remembering his family experience today. 

As if on cue, Tyler asked, "You said you saw your family today?"

Josh nodded, "I don't see them much.. they bring up bad memories. My sister is getting married and had to have the whole family there for an announcement."

Tyler rested his head on the window. "That's great... or unfortunate? I'm not sure."

"I'm not either." Josh muttered. 

__________

 

"Tyler turns 18 in December, and his school and 5 month plan both end in may, which means in June he'll have no legal obligation to be here. Which is why I was wondering, if Tyler wants to of course.. and if I have your permission... if I could take Tyler with me on my stock trip?"

Tyler could not believe what he was hearing. Josh had said he needed to ask something but Tyler wouldn't have ever dreamed it to be this. He was ecstatic. 

"Of course I want to!" He said. 

His mom frowned. "How long of a trip would this be?" 

"Two months at most. It really depends on how fast orders come through. And we'll be back frequently to drop things off and visit quickly." 

"I'll have to think about this.." she said. 

Tyler stood up on the couch and basically crowed. 

"Tyler!!" His mom exclaimed. 

"Sorry." Tyler said calmly, sitting back down. 

Josh grinned at him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter because the next one is long af. Also I'd like to point out in case you already hadn't noticed that time passes really quickly in this and that's because I get really excited about things I've already set a timeline for so I casually skip days/weeks at a time.

"Okay Josh I know they say you should ice a bruise," Tyler started, taking an ice pack from Josh's outstretched hand. "But this is the fifth day you've given me an ice pack."

Josh shrugged, "I want it to heal."

"Where are you even getting this many ice packs I haven't returned any of the ones you've given me."

"They're only like 50¢."

"Stop buying me ice packs."

"Then start returning them."

"I've hid them. In your apartment. It'll be like a scavenger hunt."

"Is that why Mark yelled at me about his pillow being cold?"

"That was Mark's pillow?"

"Wait- when did you get in my apartment."

"Anyways, what are you doing tomorrow?"

Josh sighed, rubbing his temples. "Uh.. nothing I think. Why what's up?"

"You know for a 21 year old you sure do a lot of nothing."

Josh's eyes narrowed. "Listen, I could easily hang out with someone else."

Tyler threw his hands up in mock defence. "Alright alright, I have a history final soon and I wanted you to help me study."

Josh frowned. "Why me? Doesn't Jenna take that class?"

"Yes. But Jenna doesn't know the US presidents in chronological order."

____________

 

Tyler had spent ten minutes talking about going with Josh on his trip, and while Josh was happy he was excited, he was also slightly confused. 

"I'm surprised you're so enthusiastic about this."

Tyler sat up, scooting closer to the wall. "Why wouldn't I be?" 

"I don't know, won't you miss your family? And Jenna?" Josh said, moving over to give him more room. 

"It's not like I'm leaving forever on a long voyage, and I told you before, I like new. Exciting. Spontaneous."

"I know," Josh ran a hand through his new haircut. "But you know it's not really going to be all that exciting. It'll be a lot of hotel rooms and a lot the same truck." 

Tyler nodded. "Yeah but not the same place, not the same faces, not the same looks."

Josh suddenly realised this was more than just a wanderlust from Tyler. He wanted to get away for a different reason. That was okay. He could do that. Josh could do that for him. 

"You'll have to see my face everyday."

"I'm alright with that."

And Josh definitely didn't break out into a grin or feel any sort of pride because of that. He didn't. Not even a little. 

He cleared his throat. "And you'll have to follow your program perfect otherwise it'll take longer and you want be able to come."

Tyler nodded, "Well now I have incentive to not be such an ass."

"I get the overwhelming feeling you're going to continue being an ass."

Tyler narrowed his eyes. "You like it."

"This isn't about me."

________

 

Tyler could very clearly see Josh's facial expressions and actions from where he was standing. The catch was, Josh hadn't noticed him in the doorway yet.   
This allowed Tyler to truly fulfil his overwhelming desire to scare the crap out of Josh, while also allowing himself to stare at Josh much longer than strictly necessary. So that's what he did. He stood in the doorway until Josh glanced up from the papers he was reading, and then laughed loudly when Josh had a mini heart attack and threw the papers at him. 

"WHY CAN'T ANYBODY LEARN HOW TO USE THEIR VOICES?" 

"We do." Mark said from the other side of the room and Josh jumped again. 

"JESUS CHRIST MARK HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?!" He yelled, sending Tyler into another fit of giggles. And by giggles he meant a heaving mess of laughter. 

After Tyler had mostly recovered, Josh crossed his arms. "Why do you just show up here all the time. Like shouldn't you text first or something?" He looked at Mark. "Isn't that proper etiquette?" 

Mark shrugged. "I don't mind."

Josh didn't mind either, but hell if he was gonna tell Tyler that. Especially not when that smug grin was already on his face. 

"Besides, you knew I was coming over," Tyler said, waving his backpack in the air. "History studying, remember?"

Josh stuck his tongue out and Mark clicked his tongue. "Right, that's my cue to leave." 

Josh frowned. "It's okay, don't you have paperwork to fill out?"

"Not while you two are in here... studying.." Mark said, slipping out the door and effectively turning Josh bright red. Which just so happened to send Tyler into another fit of laughter. 

Now, because Tyler strived on the fact he could embarrass Josh, one may imagine how studying went. 

The forth or fifth time Tyler "accidentally" bumped his hands into Josh's, he just straight out grabbed them. 

"What the fuck, I'm trying to write." Tyler said though, the goal was definitely not writing. He could still pretend. 

"You really should be more respectful towards your elders."

"You're right," Tyler nodded. "What, pray tell me, the fuck."

Josh sighed and let go of his hands. 

__________

 

"You haven't had any other urges, correct?" Helen asked, pen hovering over a check mark box. Evidently she had to "evaluate" him at the start of every week now. 

"Yeah, not at all. I hate rocks actually. When I see rocks now I wanna punch em." Tyler said sarcastically. And then, "wait no, I want to calmly address the situation and then walk away, right?"

Helen sighed and checked a box. "You're lucky I like you."

"You really shouldn't gain an emotional bond towards your patients. It could affect your judgement and ability to correctly evaluate them."

She ignored him, "Alright last one for today.." she tapped her pen against her cheek and then put down her paper on the floor. 

"If you lose that, you could get fired." Tyler said, and then recalled his conversation with Josh about not being an asshole. 

"Tell me about Josh."

'Speak of the devil' Tyler thought, and then frowned. Josh was definitely not the devil.   
"What about him?"

Helen seemed surprised that Tyler was even obliging. "Well, tell me how you met him."

"Mark introduced us about a month ago."

Helen nodded, "You hadn't told me about him."

"I try to keep the better things about my life out of this room."

Of course instead of responding to the jab like Tyler wanted her too, she said "So you would consider him a better part of your life?"

"I would consider him my friend. Like Jenna. Or Mark. Or Chris. Or Michael. Or the voices."

At this point, Helen had obviously heard enough from Tyler. She sat back and put a hand on her forehead. "You're free to go." 

"We're never truly freed from the responsibilities of life, except in death." Tyler said, slipping out. He heard her sigh as the door shut. 

_________

 

Tyler was laying facedown on Jenna's couch, with his face turned to the side on a pillow so he could talk to her where she was positioned on the floor. 

"How'd your therapy session go?" 

"Normal. Except, added bonus; now she has to evaluate me and fill out a form with check boxes."

"Next thing she'll have you drawing a picture to represent your feelings." Jenna said. 

"I could do that. Like something to personify my fears."

"Yeah? What would it look like?" 

"It'd be a big blonde woman with these piercing blue eyes and-"

Jenna smacked his arm. 

"Ow," Tyler said, running his arm. "You really should learn a different method of controlling your anger."

She glared at him and Tyler expected to be hit again, but instead her face cleared. "So where's Josh?"

Tyler groaned and shoved his face into the pillow. 

"Tyler-"

Tyler screamed into the pillow cutting her off. Only stopping when he was out of breath. 

"Tyler you have to-" he screamed again. 

"I just want-" again. 

"Okay never mind!" She rushed, and Tyler lifted his head again. 

She rolled her eyes. "You're such a drama queen I swear."

Tyler grinned and then put his face back into the pillow.   
It was slightly uncomfortable with his nose pressed down and his mouth on the rough upholstered cover, but it was dark and his neck hurt from holding his head up.   
It wasn't that he didn't want to think about Josh, it was that he didn't want to talk about him with other people.   
His therapist, Jenna, his mother, even Mark asked sometimes.   
So far, the only person who didn't want to talk about Josh, was Josh.   
He knew as soon as he started talking about Josh to other people, they'd start making assumptions. Or worse, they'd try to talk about him to Josh. The last thing he wanted was his mom bombarding him with questions about Tyler.   
So, anything he had to say about him he'd either say to Josh, or keep it to himself. 

_________

 

Josh had received three texts from his sister.   
The first thanking him for coming for her marriage announcement.   
The second letting him know he could text or call anytime he wanted.   
And the third to apologise for texting so much. 

Which was ridiculous. She was his sister.   
She shouldn't have to apologise she should be able to spam him everyday unapologetically.   
But he didn't tell her that. He just locked his phone and returned to laying on the floor listening to music. Except now he was distracted and mad at himself. 

He felt selfish and dumb. His family cared so much about him and he couldn't even bring himself to text back.   
Because for some reason when he walked into his parents house, all he could see was the upstairs bathroom.   
Sitting at that table returned him to the edge of the bathtub, looking down not at a plate of food, but at his own shaking hands.   
His sisters' hair was the red of his eyes when he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror.   
The colour he saw behind his eyes right before he passed out was the same as his brothers skin tone.   
The laughing and casual conversation they had turned into the cries he heard when he came to in the hospital. When he looked into his mothers face he could only picture her pleading with him, apologising, making him swear he was okay, trying so hard to get him to open up to her. 

So  
He'd stopped seeing them. He'd moved out with Mark. Continued this job they'd done since high school. (Minus the time he'd had a mental break and stopped). He stopped visiting on holidays, stopped replying to texts, deleting them off social media and avidly avoiding them while he was in town. 

He was trying to much distance between him and the person that smacked his face on the bathroom floor 3 years ago as possible. 

He moved his arm so the crook of his elbow was no longer covering his eyes and looked at the carpet next to him.   
A few days ago Tyler had been laying here next to him talking about the negative associations people tended to hold towards the prospect of death or something else a 17 year old shouldn't be talking about.   
Tyler seemed to prefer laying on the floor actually, Josh thought as he remembered walking into Tyler's room weeks ago and finding him on his floor.   
Josh couldn't blame him, something about laying on the floor and thinking just seemed more effective and secluded than a bed or couch.   
Then again he figured Tyler was probably too young to be pondering the questions of life on the floor. Though he wasn't much older than Tyler himself.   
He sat up. Tyler was turning 18 in a week. 

_________

 

"Guys you're freaking me out." Tyler said, eyeing Jenna and Josh. They both had been staring at the side of his face for half an hour now. 

Neither of them responded, making him look up from his chemistry book. "You're making it a little difficult for me to do homework."

"Your birthday is in four days." Jenna said. 

He slammed his head into his chemistry book with no hesitation and then immediately regretted his decision.   
Josh snickered and he groaned, not lifting his head. 

"What did you do for your birthday last year?" Josh asked. 

Tyler didn't speak so Jenna answered for him. "He wouldn't let me do anything."

Tyler turned his face to see Josh raising his eyebrows. "I feel like him telling you not to wouldn't have stopped you." 

Jenna shook her head. "You're right, but what did stop me was him literally secluding himself for the entire week of his birthday and three days after."

Josh's eyebrows rose higher if possible and he looked at Tyler.   
"I locked myself in my room with one of those bulk boxes of pretzels and four gallons of water."

"You survived off pretzels and water for a week and a half?" Josh sounded more impressed than anything and his eyebrows were basically pinned to his hairline. 

"You'd be surprised at his ability to retain calories." Jenna said gravely. 

"Metabolism game on fleek." Tyler muttered and Jenna threw a pen at him. 

It bounced off the side of his head. "JENNA , OW. PLEASE QUIT HITTING ME WITH THINGS THIS HAS GONE ON FOR YEARS."

"Stop saying stupid things."

__________

 

"So?" Jenna said, looking at Josh. Tyler had gotten up to pee. 

"So..?" He wasn't going to lie, Jenna was kind of terrifying. 

"So," she huffed, "what are we doing for Tyler's birthday?"

"I thought you said if he hears anything about it he'll lock himself away." Josh frowned. "He really is a drama queen."

Jenna nodded. "That's why we can't let him know that we're planning anything." 

Josh frowned. "I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. We can't throw him a surprise party or anything."

"No it'd be a pretty sad surprise party saying he only speaks to 6 people that aren't his family."

"So what would we do then?"

"Well I'm going to make him come shopping with me for clothes."

"That sounds like a present for yourself."

Jenna smiled, shaking her head. "Don't let him fool you, shopping for clothes is one of his favourite things. It's the getting him to the mall part that he doesn't like."

Josh stored this in the "strange things about Tyler" folder in his brain. Which was quickly becoming an entire library. 

"So, what are you going to do?"

"Um, I could-"

"I'll tell you what you can do."

Josh blinked. "Okay then."

"That movie. The one you couldn't make it to. Take him to see that."

"Isn't that kind like using a recycled idea."

"Maybe but he was excited about going with you." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Please, he even dressed cute that day." Tyler walked back into the room and Josh noticed he was wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt. He realised this was normal attire for Tyler. Jenna, who could apparently read his mind, raised her eyebrows meaningfully at him. 

"Point taken." He mouthed to her. 

__________

 

"Jenna why would I go to the mall when I could stay here eating froot loops out of a wine glass?"

"Because, I have coupons."

"Oh boy." He said dryly. 

"Because this is what I'm settling for. Instead of insisting on throwing you a party I'm making you spend the day with me."

Tyler sighed. But he knew she was telling the truth. 

"Alright I'm up." 

Tyler hated the mall. Or really, he hated the people at the mall. Tyler actually really liked clothes and buying things that he felt were aesthetically pleasing. Which was strange because he rarely wore the things he bought. He usually would wear sweats or basketball shorts and a hoodie or T-Shirt. He rarely dressed the way he liked to because when he wore those outfits people at school would stop him to ask where he bought something. Or his mom would ask who he was trying to impress. Or Jenna would pester him about dressing that way everyday. So it was easier to set everyone's expectations really low.   
Plus it meant when he did dress nicely, it had a greater effect. 

Jenna of course, steered him straight into Forever 21. 

"Jeans. Jackets." She said. 

"But not jean jackets." Tyler replied and she nearly hit him. 

"Layers do this weird thing to you and make you look really good, so get jackets. And you can't just wear sweats all the time."

Tyler sighed. He did need new black jeans. 

___________

 

When Tyler got home with four bags and a shoebox, he dumped them all on his bed and checked his phone. He'd expected Josh to have texted him, but instead, it had been Mark. 

'Call me when you get home. Happy b-day btw.'

So Tyler did. And Mark said something he would've never expected. 

"Tyler listen, I've convinced your mom to let me take you to get a tattoo because you're 18. I'm on my way. We have to be quick before she changes her mind."

"What?? really??"

"Yes, I'm literally speeding through traffic. I'll see you in ten." 

Tyler heard the click of Mark hanging up and then put his phone down in shock. He'd talked to Mark about tattoos multiple times but he'd never expected him to remember. And he'd NEVER thought his mom would ever agree to him getting one.   
He loved the idea of tattoos. He'd drawn multiple sketches in his journal. But not pictures or objects or faces, no his ideas were all minimalistic.   
Lines and shapes representing things in his head that he believed.   
So now he was jamming his shoes back on his feet and running down the stairs.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of the beginning of.. things? I don't know how to explain it just, trust.

Tyler could not find the correct words to condone his excitement. So instead he now hugged Mark for the 8th time, and then winced at the pain spreading through his chest. Mark grabbed his shoulders. 

"Dude. I understand you're grateful, but you're going to bleed to death if you keep hugging me."

Tyler laughed. Technically he'd gotten two tattoos, both on his pectorals. He was going to justify this to his mother by saying it was a two part tattoo. If she asked to see it. Which now that he was thinking about it, she might not. 

____________

 

"Tyler if you don't show up today I'm going to be pissed."

"Like actually pissed, or like fake pissed?"

"Actually pissed. Like more pissed than you've ever seen me."

Tyler whined. "But it's freezing. I don't want to go to the movies." This was a lie. Tyler was lying. There was no reason for this lie  
He actually really wanted to go. 

"You're lying."

"You're right."

"You better be there. I'll beat you up."

"I'm sure."

Josh hung up and Tyler sighed, putting his phone down on the bed. Josh was demanding that they go see the movie he was originally going to take Tyler to see, and Tyler had a raising suspicion that Jenna had something to do with it.   
And with that suspicion in mind, he called Jenna. Who vehemently denied "any conversations with Josh relating to Tyler" which as you would imagine, just served to further raise his suspicion.   
Though, this was a great opportunity to wear his new clothes. Just cause he liked them. No other alternate reason. None. 

________

 

Tyler was wearing ripped black skinny jeans and had layered varying black shirts/jackets, and Josh would've made an emo joke if hadn't of been so distracted by the difference the right clothes made.   
Tyler had gone up at least a point and a half on the renowned "hotness scale." Which now Josh felt dumb and arbitrary for using because Tyler could not be contained on any scale, he was too strangely profound for that nonsense.   
Anyways.   
The movie they were watching wasn't exactly what Josh figured Jenna thought it was. Jenna kept referring to it as a "movie date." But it was a super gorey type action movie and Josh figured Tyler wasn't one to get grossed out easily.   
Though now looking at him, he was kind of worried. The movie had just started and Tyler was shifting and kept pulling at his shirt. 

Josh leaned his head closer. "Are you okay?"

Tyler nodded, but not even 5 minutes later he was fidgeting again. 

Josh leaned again. "Tyler, are you sure?" 

"I'm alright." Tyler whispered. And he did stop moving but he had a vice grip on the armrest and remained completely stationary until Josh bumped him by leaning over him to grab his jacket and Tyler inhaled sharply. Josh leaned back and looked at him. 

"I'm going to be honest, that doesn't seem like an "I'm alright" type of reaction." Josh whispered, at this point he was genuinely concerned. 

Tyler sighed. "Come with me to the bathroom." He said, getting up. 

"Wh-" he was shushed by the lady sitting behind them. He glanced at her and then followed Tyler out of the theatre and into the fluorescent-lit bathroom. 

"What's wrong?"

Tyler sighed once more and started taking off his jacket. He threw it over Josh's shoulder and then started taking off the other jacket he had on. 

"Tyler wha-" Tyler's other jacket hit his face. "Ow,"

He moved the jacket to see Tyler taking off his flannel. 

"How many layers are you wearing?? Never mind that, what are you-" the flannel hit him in the face. 

"Tyler-" he moved it in time to see Tyler taking his shirt off. "Tyler! What are you doing!! We are in a public restroom!" Josh whisper-shouted. 

Tyler rolled his eyes and finished taking it off to reveal white bandages stuck all along the front of his torso. 

Now the fact that Tyler was standing half naked in a public restroom was long forgotten. "What is that?? Are you hurt?" 

Tyler laughed. "Hurt doing what? Too much therapy? A blow to the heart?"

"I don't know what you get into."

"Yes you do, you're with me everyday."

"Not everyday."

Tyler raised his eyebrows. 

"Okay. Just tell me what happened." 

"I'll show you." Tyler began peeling back the bandages and when he was finished Josh's jaw was practically glued to the floor. 

Straight black lines over smooth skin, bandages barely bloody. One creating an hourglass-looking shape, and the other a window shape. One for each pectoral. 

"No way in hell your mom let you get those." 

"Thank saint Mark."

Josh stepped closer. They seemed well done, though he figured Mark probably paid way too much to get them done for him. He would've done the same. 

"They look good." Josh confirmed, stepping back. 

"I'm glad I have your approval." Tyler said, pushing the bandages back in place.   
And Josh definitely did NOT take this time to look at the rest of Tyler. 

"Anyways that's why I was acting weird, sitting like that kept making my shirt hit it."

Josh laughed. "You mean your shirt, your flannel, your jacket, and your.. other jacket? Honestly why are you wearing so many layers?" 

"Aesthetic." Tyler replied, grabbing his shirt off Josh's shoulder. 

Josh rolled his eyes. Now that the anxiety over Tyler was gone, he was just worried someone was going to walk in here to see Tyler half naked and Josh holding his clothes.   
Luckily, it passed without incident. 

"You wanna buy more popcorn and leave?" Josh asked. 

Tyler mock-gasped. "What, and miss the uncomfortable shifting and shushing of the movie?"

_________

 

"You know we sure do spend a lot of time in this car." Tyler pointed out, shovelling popcorn into his mouth at an alarming rate. 

"It's practice for this summer." 

"I feel like it's really just because I can't function in social settings."

"You're the one who said it."

"Or maybe you just want me to trust you and believe this car is a safe place so you can kidnap me easily."

"Is it considered kidnapping? Your 18 now."

"It's alarming that you didn't deny that."

"But is it considered kidnapping?"

"I guess not, it'd just be considered abduction."

"So I'm an alien?"

"No you're a criminal."

"I'm an alien." 

"Are you gonna probe me?"

Josh sighed and put his hand over his face.   
"You're a smart ass."

"But not a probed ass."

Josh let his face hit the steering wheel. 

________

 

As expected, his mother was bursting with questions when he walked into his house. And, just like he'd prepared himself to do, he evaded them and quickly made his way into his room with the claim that he was tired. 

He was thrilled. It was his birthday and he'd gotten away with no party, no cake, no relatives, and no questions about his future. And gift-wise clothes, tattoos, and popcorn had been great.   
Now, his stomach filled with dread as he took off one of his coats and saw a small wrapped present sitting on his bed.   
This is not what he wanted. He hates gifts he didn't pick out because if he didn't like them he had to pretend. Which was strictly against his beliefs. And if he did like it he had to try to do just as well for whoever it was who got him the gift and that was difficult to do when detached from most people.   
He picked up the little package wrapped in grey and tore the paper down the middle.   
Tyler hated when people ripped wrapping paper into tiny little pieces. It just created a mess and was more time consuming.   
A small leather bound journal and a notecard fell into his lap. 

"To: Tyler, because I know how much writing means to you. Love, Madison."

Tyler smiled and then set the journal next to his current one, walking out of his room and into Madison's. 

Madison saw the card and smiled at him. 

"Happy Birthday Tyler." She said quietly. 

He smiled at her. "Thank you." And he was talking about more than the journal. And when she looked at him, he once again saw the eyes he saw any time he tried to get back up to the roof. 

"I love you." She said. 

And Tyler didn't say it back. Which was horrible. Because he did love her. Instead he said, "I'll see you tomorrow."   
Which didn't make any sense.   
He loved Madison. She was so thoughtful and caring and now he was mad at himself as he padded back into his room. So he grabbed the journal Madison gave him and opened it to the first page. 

"You say things with your mouth, cobwebs and flies come out." He wrote out, pen scribbling too hard on the paper. 

He didn't really know what he was writing. That was a lie. He was writing to himself. Because he was crazy. Maybe he had a split personality disorder. Wouldn't that be just swell. He was always lying to himself. 

"Luckily I can read your mind," he continued. 

_____________

 

"How are you feeling, impulse wise?"

"Totally great. Definitely don't want to kill myself or hurt anyone or anything. I'm feeling great." Tyler replied. He was being an asshole. He was in an asshole mood. 

And there really wasn't reason for it. He just woke up in an asshole mood and now poor Helen had to experience it first hand because she's scheduled this appointment for 8:30 in the morning. 

Now it was 9:03 and Helen sighed. "Go ahead."

Tyler was up and out the door. He figured this place really should have a better system because what if Helen was lying and letting him go early. No one would ever know. 

But now he had to walk to school in all black again because thats just who he was as a person.   
Because he was an 18 year old with no car and no lisence because the though terrified him.   
And after walking all the way to school, sweating and already in an asshole mood, the last thing he wanted to do, was interact with someone mom in the attendance office. But of course, that's what he had to do.   
Because there was a line.   
Because the universe hates him. 

"Sweetheart, why do you always show up late?" The woman asked. 

"Not always. Twice a week." Tyler replied. 

"Well why?"

"Personal reasons." Tyler said. 

Now, most normal people would've checked their moral compasses here, and stopped. But not this lady. 

"What personal reasons?"

Tyler looked at her. "You do realise that I'm Tyler Joseph, right? Tried to kill myself, stopped coming to school, now in therapy.. ringing any bells?" 

The woman looked shocked. "I... I didn't mean to make you say any of that... are you okay... I..."

"Yeah don't cancel your brunch I'm fine."

"How can you just say it like... like it's a fact or a test question you know the answer to or something..."

"Well. It is a fact, and the whole town seems to be studying it so,"

"I'm.. I'm so sorry.. I.." 

Tyler sighed, turned on his heel and left the office. He didn't need a note. It was still 2nd period. His teacher knew he went to therapy. If he got there quickly enough, he'd just be marked late and not truant. 

Except now he was stuck behind quite possibly the slowest walking group of people he'd ever had the misfortune of being behind.   
Tyler never understood these types of people.   
A whole walkway and for some reason you're entire friend group needs to take up every inch of space, and control the pace of the hallway. Which was incredibly slow apparently.   
He started walking uncomfortably closer to them, and made his footfalls heavier, but they weren't paying any attention and Tyler had never more wanted to break someone's ankles. 

"I am being irrational and childish. It's not like I'm stuck behind them forever. I'm in a bad mood." He thought. And while he recognised this, it did nothing to calm him down. He was irrationally mad.   
So he veered off the first turn available and wedged himself in the alley-like space between two of the buildings. 

Class was still in session so no one was out. Except the group of impossibly slow people apparently.   
"Okay, so go around. Get to class before it ends. You can do it." He thought. But he found himself sitting down. Or rather, bending his knees until they were touching the wall opposite of him.

Move move move. He told himself. But instead he rested his head back on the wall.   
He couldn't be doing this. He was going to mess everything up. What was wrong with him?   
He reached into his pocket for his phone and called Josh.   
Two rings and then, "Tyler?"

"Josh." 

"Aren't you in school?"

Tyler's voice was subdued. "I'm on school grounds."

"Why aren't you in class?" Josh was worried. He could hear it in his voice. 

"I don't.. know." 

"Tyler. You have to go to class. Remember what the cops said?"

"Yes. I remember." Tyler's voice cracked.   
He felt hot tears pricking the corners of his eyes.   
"I remember." He said again.

"So you know you have to go to class." Josh was gentle now, he had heard the fluctuation in Tyler's voice. 

He sniffed. "I know. I know I need to. I want to. I want to go. I'm messing everything up. What am I doing?" 

Tyler was crying now and before Josh could speak, he continued. 

"I'm fucking everything up. I'm so sensitive. I'm so so mad. I can't believe I'm shoved up in between two buildings because a mom asked me about being late and then these kids were walking slow in front of me, which is ridiculous I should've just turned and gone the other way even if it was longer. And now I shouldn't be on the phone with you I should be in class pretending like I didn't just spend the last half an hour in a mental health clinic, and now I'm crying and they are gonna call my mom, and she's gonna call Helen, and Helen will have to extend my program. And I won't be able to go with you this summer, and if don't go with you, I'm going to go out of my mind, and I'm setting myself up for failure and I don't know why I can't just go. I want to go and I don't even know why I called you, I'm sorry I'm sorry I just-" he stopped to sniff and Josh seized the opportunity. 

"Tyler. Listen to me. You're not screwing anything up. It's okay. You're okay and it's going to be okay."

"No. No, no, no it's not. Not if they call. But now I can't make it before third and I'll be marked truant if I don't show up before the end of third and-"

"Tyler. Just- Listen. I'm going to drive to the school. I'm going to sign you out. Then they won't call anyone. You can come hang out with me, and they won't call and you'll be okay and you don't have to deal with slow walking people. You just, you just have to make it to the office. I'm on my way right now."

Tyler sniffed again. "I just have to make it to the office." Tyler repeated. 

"That's right." 

"Okay." Tyler said, hanging up. He inhaled and then let it out. He just needed to make it back to the office. 

So  
Thats what he did.   
Legs numb and feet heavy, he made his way back into the office right as the bell rang. The mom was no longer in the office. There wasn't a line anymore. In fact, most people had cleared out.   
His mind seemed like it was both racing and chugging along ridiculously slowly at the same time. Like if you put a humming bird in slow motion. 

"Tyler Joseph? Are you here to sign in?" The desk woman said, some amount of concern in her eyes. Probably because Tyler had walked in and just started staring at her. 

"Ah.. no-" the door opened and in came Josh. 

The next couple minutes went by in a whirl of confused office ladies, strange looks, and Josh's hand on his lower back. 

Getting into Josh's truck proved slightly difficult. For some reason this numb, crying thing affected not only his mental state, but his physical one too.   
It felt all too familiar. 

Once he and Josh were situated he spoke up. "Why is it that we always end up this way?"

Josh let out a breath that Tyler wasn't sure was a laugh because it could've easily been a sigh. 

"Are you alright?" Josh asked and Tyler didn't respond. He didn't know how.  
Because physically, yes. He was completely fine. And it's not like someone got shot in front of him or something. He should be completely fine but for some reason he was freaking out over nothing. Maybe this is why he went to therapy. 

"Tyler?"

Tyler shook his head. He was mad. His throat hurt and he had tears on his cheeks and there was no reason for it. "I should be."

"You should be what?"

"Okay? In class? Dead? The answers vary." 

Josh turned up the heater and then said, "You haven't done anything wrong."

"No, except ditch class. And leave with a man who's not my parent or guardian because of a situation that is entirely happening in my head."

"It's not just in your head Tyler. Cause I'm involved and I'm here with you. You're not by yourself."

"But I should be. I should be in math right now wishing I was somewhere else. Not somewhere else freaking out over math."

"But you knew you couldn't, and instead of tuning out and taking off, you called me. You called me for help and that so important Tyler."

"I don't even know why I called." A lie.   
"I don't know why I'm so upset over this." A lie.   
"I really want to go with you, I don't want to mess everything up, I'm sorry." Not a lie.   
"I should've just called my mom or something. I shouldn't be bothering you like this." 

"Tyler I want you to bother me. I don't mind it. I like to help you. I like to hang out with you."

"I feel like that just makes you a bad influence."

Josh laughed, but then sobered when Tyler sniffed again. 

"No, it makes me your friend."

"I'm a pretty shitty friend. I'm always like this. You've never once had to depend on me."

"That's not true." 

"It is."

"Tyler even you coming over to lay on my floor helps me. You distract me when no one else can and you get me."

"It doesn't feel like I'm helping." Tyler felt childish. 

Josh was silent for a moment, and then started his car. "Do you remember what I told you about my family?"

Tyler nodded. Josh had confided in him and told him about his attempt, and the after affects it still had on him.   
He had told him about his anxiety and how it sparks when he's around them. 

"Where are we going?"

"To see my sister."

___________

 

Josh felt like a complete and utter asshole.  
He had never asked to see his sister, and never planned to, and she knew that.   
And now here he was in front of her house. Not because he had a yearning to see her, but because he wanted Tyler to trust him. 

He seemed to do this a lot. Something he'd never dreamed of doing. All because of Tyler. Like getting a Mohawk. He sighed. 

He had texted his sister and she had been ecstatic. Said her fiancé was at work but that he could come in and have coffee with her. And that she'd be happy to meet Tyler. She didn't even know anything about him. He could be a monster or something and she'd just trust Josh like that. 

But now, looking over at Tyler, he didn't necessarily regret his choice. He didn't want to spring his whole family on Tyler, and he knew Ashley would be the most un-abrasive. 

He wondered how Ashley felt. Her brother that she never speaks to or sees, suddenly at her house with a teenage boy who looks like he's seen a ghost.   
Not a teenager, he's technically an adult.   
That didn't matter right now, why was he thinking about that? 

"Tyler do you want anything in your coffee?" 

"No thank you."

Josh watched Tyler take the coffee from his sisters hands and take a sip. It was obvious he didn't drink coffee much, but he put up a valiant effort to keep his facial expression neutral. Josh almost grinned watching him, but didn't get the chance because now his sister was handing him his coffee. 

"Thank you." He said, taking it. Her hands were cold. They always were. They had been so cold when he'd spent the week after being in the hospital bed-ridden. She'd come to see him everyday, hands on his forehead to check his temperature. 

Now she was smiling at him in the same way she used to and Josh quickly averted his gaze to the floor. He didn't realise he was jackhammering his leg up and down until Tyler slid his foot over so their legs were touching. Josh looked at him and Tyler nodded almost imperceptibly. 

Now Josh felt even more like an asshole. This was supposed to be about making Tyler feel better, not himself.   
Then again, this is what Tyler had wanted. Proof that Josh depended on him. 

So Josh let himself.   
A lean, a touch, a look. When he was uncomfortable he let himself get lost in the luxury of Tyler.   
And it worked. When he got distracted by Tyler's fidgeting hands, he stopped thinking about how her house smelled just like his room had. Lavender.   
And when he realised Tyler's eyes were a similar shade to Ashley's, he stopped associating it with his own vomit, and started thinking about Tyler. 

And so, he got through the visit. They both did. With Josh leaning on Tyler physically and mentally. And when Ashley said he and Tyler should visit again soon, Josh seriously considered it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this is kind of a "trigger warning" in that I should tell you there's a lot of talk of suicide in this chapter that is put very bluntly so be careful and all that.

Tyler woke up at 8am feeling like quite possibly the worst person in the world.  
He literally had a panic attack at school because?? People were walking slow?? God he was so sensitive.  
Physically; his eyes were crusted together so heavily that it hurt to rub them, and he had tear tracks crusted on his cheeks because after Josh dropped him off at 6 in the evening, he'd gone straight to bed.  
His clothes were sticking to him from sweat. He was disgusted with himself in every possible way. 

There was one good thing that came of the day, he realised, getting up to get in the shower.  
Josh's sister, Ashley.  
He felt bad for imposing on her, and he knew she probably thought he was strange; but Josh had really relied on him. With every tightening of his muscles, or clenching of his hands or uncomfortable glance, he let Tyler speak over it or lean into him or glance over.  
Like there was no hesitation, like he trusted Tyler.  
As he walked as quietly as he could to the bathroom, he wondered who would ever trust him.  
As much as he was a bluntly honest person, he was also a pathological liar; which didn't make much sense. Just add it to the melancholies of his identity. 

Tyler was the type of person to turn the water to the hottest it would go and then just stand in the spray. Letting it run over him and down the drain as steam rose, clinging to the mirrors and windows. Sometimes it'd get so bad that it seemed hard to breathe.  
Maybe one of these times there wouldn't be enough oxygen and he'd pass out and split his skull on the bathtub.  
One could only dream. 

____________

 

Josh knew Tyler was going to feel bad about the day before, so that's why as soon as he got up, he called him.  
It went straight to voicemail, which was actually wasn't all that strange for Tyler.  
He was still getting used to the whole "carrying your cellphone with you."  
Tyler could've easily left his phone at home, or it could be dead, or off. Or Tyler could still be asleep, though that was unlikely, Tyler rarely slept in.  
So now the only problem was that Josh had nothing to do. 

Which wasn't exactly true, but it felt like it. 

Josh had grown accustomed to hanging out with Tyler whenever he felt like doing so, and on days when Tyler wasn't in touch with him he felt like he had nothing to do. 

And although (as Tyler frequently liked to remind him) as a 21 year old, he should probably have a bigger circle of friends and things to do, but his friends were really only Mark, Tyler, and a few other people. That's what happened when you spent your entire high school and college life driving out of town constantly. He'd even consider Jenna as his friend, even if she was terrifying. 

He could've answered work emails, check to see what Mark was doing, cry, the possibilities were endless really.  
Instead he decided he was going to give himself a mental punch in the face and think about his family. 

The issue with that (or one of the issues at least), was that thinking about them, suddenly led to thinking about Tyler again. Because leaning on Tyler like he had yesterday, had actually worked really well in calming him down.  
Not like physically, though that was comforting too, but emotionally letting himself rely on someone else that he trusted was something he had never really done before. At least not at that level. 

And while it still really freaked him out that Tyler and him had somehow bonded so closely in such a short amount of time, and as much as it worried him to trust anyone so completely; a bigger part of him was glad it was Tyler. 

For some, he was sure a psychological mess of an 18 year old with depression wouldn't be their first choice for a situation that kind of relied on stability. But for Josh, he was perfect. And sometimes on days like this when Tyler was busy, and all he could think to do was lay in bed and think about him, he wondered how he'd ever lived before?  
Not in a big dramatic way, but in small ways he was now noticing frequently.  
Like the way people talked, and how others reacted. The way his sense of humour matched so closely to Tyler's and not many other people's. Or how conversations could go from pointless banter to immensely important in the scope of 5 minutes, or rather, 3 minutes.  
And it was all because of Tyler's innate ability to just, be himself. Unapologetically and inherently himself. 

His phone buzzed and he opened it to see,  
'I was showering n I don't take calls while I'm naked.'

Josh almost snorted.  
'You're not nearly as inspirational as I give you credit for.'

'Don't give me any credit. Except for the best Mario Kart player in the entire fckin world. Because that title is mine.'

'Did you just censor yourself via text?'

'Yes, but that's besides the point. You didn't comment on my Mario Kart title. As an older man you shouldn't let me, a new adult in this world, focus so much on unrealistic titles.'

Josh sighed and put a hand over his eyes, but he was grinning. This is what he was thinking about. Who else would say something like that? No one he'd ever met. 

____________

 

Tyler was trying to bite his lips as hard as possible without drawing blood because.... well... he was curious. 

"Tyler?!" 

He blinked and then focused on his mother. She had her arms crossed, frown present. 

"Sorry." Tyler muttered. This was the third time he'd zoned out during their "conversation". 

"You have to start listening." 

"I'm listening."

He kind of had to, she was l-o-u-d. 

 

"You're not listening. You don't listen. You are NOT an adult Tyler. You do NOT get to make up your own rules." 

"Last time I checked 18 is the legal age of adulthood, unless the committee of angry moms got that changed?"  
Tyler sighed. This was all happening because he went and hung out with Jenna last night without asking. 

"Sigh all you want Tyler. It doesn't change the fact that you disobeyed me."

"You never told me I couldn't go." 

"Because you never asked! And if you would have, I would've said no!! You can't walk to people's houses so late at night! You know how often kidnappings happen?"

"Not often given we live in the suburbs, I look like I could be on meth, and Jenna's house is two streets away."

"You don't look like you could be on meth."

"Wiry frame, lanky, wearing all these clothes, hood up, eye bags, jacked up teeth?" 

"That isn't- no. Tyler. You're not listening."

"I am."

"What if you were going to do what everyone always says high schoolers do." 

Tyler raised his eyebrows. "Sex, drugs, and alcohol.... with Jenna?" 

They both stared at each other. "Okay," his mom conceded, "but you could've been going somewhere else."

"Like where? It's not like I can walk to Josh and Mark's apartment. And they are the only other friends I really have." 

Another sigh. Maybe they were similar.  
"You have other friends. Chris and Michael and those kids from school you were talking to last time I picked you up."

Tyler almost laughed. "Mom last time you picked me up from school was seven months ago. And those guys were the basketball team. That was when I was the captain remember? When I didn't plan on spilling my skull all over the sidewalk?"

"Tyler!" 

"What!" He had enough. Enough of his mother yelling at him when he mentioned his attempt. Enough of pretending to be better than he felt. 

"You can't just say things like that!! Listen to me!!!" 

"I. AM. LISTENING. There's no way I couldn't be, you're screaming two feet away from my ear!!"

"That's because you don't understand!!"

"I DO. I do understand! I understand you can't handle having a suicidal son!!! That every time I talk about it you go and cry to yourself in the kitchen which just further cements the fact that I bring so much fucking pain to your life!!! It's one of the reasons I wanted to fucking die!!"

Sure enough, the tears wee rolling down her cheeks. Face red. 

"You're crying now!! I'm so sorry the talk of how I want to die is upsetting YOU."

"Tyler I'm crying because it hurts to think about!"

"Duh." Tyler was standing. 

"No. Because it hurts that I was ever so bad of a mother that you'd feel the only way was to-"

"NO! Don't feed me that bullshit!!!" Tyler's voice cracked. "Everyone feeds me that and expects me to believe it!!! But no one seems to get it. IT. WAS. NOT. ABOUT. YOU."

She seemed to be floored, and he was heated, so he continued. "MY suicide attempt was about ME. Hard to believe right? That something is not about you right?? It was about ME being a total fucking mess that brought only pain and misunderstanding and disappointment!! I couldn't even fucking die right!!!! So STOP telling me some bullshit about how it was your fault!!! It was not your fault! It was mine!! Just like everything else!!!" Tyler was up the stairs and facedown on his bed in seconds.  
Hot tears leaked from the corners of his eyes but he refused to make a noise. Teeth gritted so hard that his jaw hurt, hands clenched around his blankets, body shaking from effort.  
He'd never told her that. He'd never told anyone that. He'd let them assume and pity and blame themselves, but he was sick of it and in that moment it seemed like saying it would make himself feel better. And he felt... something. He felt weird and like a tension had released in his stomach but another one was winding its way from his heart, up his throat. Like maybe it'd drill it's way out and he could say everything he'd ever wanted.  
So of course, feeling this way, he went straight for his journal.  
He flipped it open before realising that he'd grabbed his new one on accident.  
He blinked down at the paper and two tears landed on the ink. 

"You say things with your mouth, cobwebs and flies come out.  
Luckily I can read your mind..." stared up at him. Written angrily, etched into the pages with a vengeance towards himself. And now he wrote equally as hard. 

"Flies and cobwebs unwind." 

The door flung open and Tyler snapped his journal shut, shoving under his pillow.  
His mother stood there. Eyes puffy and face wet. 

"You don't understand still."

Tyler could not believe this. Literally they had just had this conversation. 

"Now you're the one not listening." His voice was a wreck. He hadn't stopped crying. He didn't want her in here. He didn't want to be near her till he calmed down. Till she calmed down. Till she stopped looking at him like that. 

"You don't understand the impact you have on people!!" She demanded. 

Tyler stood silently. Stepping into his shoes. 

"Tyler!!!" 

He moved to get his coat. 

"You have an effect on people!!" 

He moved to get past her, but she put her arm up in his way. 

"You're not listening!!!" Again. 

"I AM!!!! I UNDERSTAND PERFECTLY FUCKING WELL THE IMPACT I HAVE!!! I KNOW FROM THE WAY YOU'RE CONSTANTLY ALL OVER MY FUCKING CASE!! I KNOW FROM THE WAY MADISON IS PROBABLY CRYING RIGHT NOW BECAUSE SHE CAN HEAR ALL THIS. THE WAY JENNA GETS ANGRY AND THE WAY EVERY PERSON ON THIS FUCKING PLANET LOOKS AT ME. STOP. LOOKING. AT. ME."

Tears were streaming down both their faces at this point, but his mothers demeanour had changed. She was no longer strong, stubborn, she was dwindling back, gentle. "Tyler..."

"I'm leaving." Tyler ground out. 

"Sweetheart..." 

"Maybe I'll be kidnapped the way you said I would." He shoved past her and down the stairs.

And he already had his phone out because he was selfish and he didn't care. 

____________

 

Of all the times Josh had come picked Tyler up on the verge of a break down, he'd never seen him so.. animated.  
Normally, when Tyler was upset, he'd shut down, get quiet and numb.  
Now, he was mad.  
He was leaning forward in the passenger seat, talking with his hands, not caring about the tears fresh on his face, openly upset.  
Josh was entranced by it. 

"I'm sick of it. I'm sick. Of it. SICK. OF. IT." Tyler said for the umpteenth time before Josh snapped out of it. 

"Sick of what?" 

"The look!!"

"The... look...?" Josh leant back on the seat, they were parked in front of his apartment complex. 

"The look everyone seems to fucking decide belongs on their face when I speak. The pity, sorrow, sympathy, empathy, sadness, grief. As if they know anything about it or could even process it. The only people who don't give me that look are people who've been through it themselves. I'm so sick of that look!"

Josh nodded, he'd heard Tyler talk briefly about "the eyes" he'd just never known what that meant. 

"See?! You just nodded, accepted it. Accepted me!! You're not telling me I should be more considerate of people's feelings or understand they might think that way around me."

Josh frowned, "Why would I tell you that? You're not in grade school? You don't need to be taught morality? And you shouldn't have to apologise for yourself." 

Tyler slammed backwards into the seat. "Why can't you be my parents?"

"Well I can't be two people, it'd be a serious breach in the laws of biology, and I would've had to have been 3 years old when I birthed you."

"But I can still call you daddy right?"

Josh almost choked and then groaned. "Tyler, just once, pick a mood and tone for the conversation and stick with it." 

Tyler half-smiled, but then seemed to remember something and he was leaning forward again. "And another thing! Why does everyone have to say things about it being their fault?? Like they didn't push me off, they didn't even know??? How the he'll could it ever be someone else's fault when suicide is literally the process of killing oneself??"

Josh was once again taken by how passionately Tyler was speaking. This really really bothered him and he was letting Josh see that. 

"Well, I think everyone is going to try to act like they had something to do with it because they don't know how to cope with facts. They want to say if they had noticed sooner it wouldn't have happened, or if they had been there to talk you down you'd be fine, or if they'd been a better parent or friend. But most the time it doesn't work like that. Most of the time of it was decided, then there wouldn't be stopping it. And people can't seem to accept that. They don't seem to get that it's when you survive, when you have to crawl back from that place that you were certain was undeniable and infinite, it's not their place to tell you they wish it would've been different. It doesn't matter because it wasn't. They couldn't push you off, and they could not drag you away from that ledge."

Once again, Tyler's back came back to the seat. And this time, he just stared at Josh. 

"What?"

"The offer of being my parents still stands." 

Josh rolled his eyes, "Well I might as well set you up a bedroom you're here so often."

"No need I could just sleep with you." Josh stopped walking and looked at Tyler. He realised Tyler was smirking at him and sighed, walking past him. 

"You're going to give me heart attack." He muttered. And his face was definitely not red because that would be stupid and embarrassing. 

___________

 

Tyler had spent the night on Josh and Mark's couch, and when Josh dropped him off in the morning, his mom didn't say anything to him. So the first thing he'd done was run up to his room and grab his journal from under his pillow. Josh's words had got caught in his head as he had sat on them all night. He tapped his pen on the page, debating the right wording. 

Finally, he decided, "They will not take you down. They will not cast you out." 

The writing was light, gentle-looking next to the angry scratch of the others.  
He normally didn't continue things like this. Normally words poured out of him like they were being thrown up onto the page and he'd write through four pages in ten minutes, or he'd wrote three words in fifteen minutes and go to the next page.  
But these seemed to all fit in the same place. Like they were meant to be together. 

He thought about what Josh had said some more. He was again astounded by Josh's ability to say what was stuck inside Tyler's mind. He'd been spot on about how people couldn't accept that it was just the way things are, the way he is.  
Then again, maybe he and Josh are just little emo teens, mad at the world and society, confiding in each other and pretending to be better because they claimed to have less restrictions, when really they hid from themselves.  
He suddenly pictured Josh with a scene teenage girl's haircut and laughed out loud. 

He put the pen back to the paper.  
"Dear friend here we are pretending to understand how you think your world is ending. Sending signals and red flags in waves it's hard to tell the difference between blood and water these days."

He raised his eyebrows. That last line was a direct reference to his fight with his mom.  
"Well that was passive aggressive of me." He muttered.  
But he didn't cross it out. He liked it. It fit. 

_____________

 

'Hey Josh I had a good time talking with you and Tyler, we should do it again sometime. I like him.'

Josh wordlessly held his phone out so Tyler could read the text from his sister. Tyler's face stretched into an easy grin. 

"She likes me?"

"Why wouldn't she?"

Tyler blinked, "Well there's a laundry list of reasons at least."

Josh rolled his eyes, "she doesn't know anything about you, she was basing you solely off your attitude and the things you said."

Tyler was smiling down at his lap, and Josh felt the corners of his own mouth tugging. God he was screwed. 

"Well if you like when people like you, you should meet the rest of my family. My mom and sister would sweep you up and I'd never see you again."

Tyler eyed him, "I'd be down to do that."

Now it was Josh's turn to look at Tyler. "Really?"

"Yeah.. I mean, if you'd want me to.."

Josh nodded, "Let's cover the hurdle of what you want to eat first?"

Tyler rolled his eyes, but smiled and nodded nonetheless. 

The truth was, Josh really wouldn't mind having Tyler there to meet his family, in fact it would probably help Josh calm down in that house, and make Tyler realise how much he trusted him.  
The issue was, he knew as soon as they walked through the door, there'd be a million questions, and he really didn't want Tyler to feel pressured or uncomfortable.  
He needed to have a discussion with him about it before anything was planned. 

And it was not a conversation to be had right before going through a drive-thru. 

"I'm glad she likes me.." Tyler said quietly and Josh smiled. 

___________

 

"Tyler is this really the approach you're taking today?" Helen asked, sighing and leaning back in her chair. 

Tyler didn't answer, just continued to read the book he'd brought in here. He'd refused to speak to her and gotten three chapters in.  
Tyler wondered if Helen would request to switch Tyler to a different therapist because to be honest, he probably would've already.  
He pulled a lot of shit. 

Like once he would only refer to himself in the third person, and wouldn't speak to her unless she did it too. 

Or when he spoke in pig Latin for an entire session. 

Or generally just being himself. 

But everything he had done had just been something to do because he was bored. He really had no sense of impulse control.  
And it's not like he had some sort of disorder that made him not able to control his actions, at least he hoped he didn't, it was really just him... being himself. 

As unromantic as it sounds, Tyler was just an asshole.  
He was technically taking medication for depression and anxiety, but really he didn't notice a difference except maybe in his eating patterns when he took them. 

Tyler set his book down. "Helen, do you think I'm an ass?"

She blinked at him. "Do you think you are?"

"Indeed."

She scribbled something down and it dawned on him that out of context, that had made him look extremely self deprecating and she probably wrote down something like "lack of self confidence" and he started to laugh. 

She frowned. "Tyler I don't see a reason to laugh."

"Might as well put me on bi-polar meds as well."

"You aren't diagnosed with-"

"Yes I know I was kidding."

_____________

 

Jenna, in all her small height, had her arms crossed and was leaning on Josh's driver's side door. 

Josh stood with gas station snacks in his hand. 

"Jenna? What are you doing here? At the gas station? In front of my car?"

"I saw it here and I wanted to ask you about something."

"Okayyy, do you want a ride, or.."

"No, I have my own."

"Do you want a powdered donut then?" He held up a package. 

"Josh, the day is growing nearer."

Josh waited for her to continue but she just kept staring at him.

"The day?"

"Yes, the day I place my trust in you completely. The day multiple people do."

"So... are you being cryptic for a reason or?"

She sighed. "The day you leave with Tyler."

He frowned. "Oh, that's still like a month and a half away... if Tyler stays on track."

"He will."

"What?"

"Over the past four months, Tyler literally has been on the best behaviour I've ever seen him on, has gone to every therapy appointment scheduled, and hasn't had a panic attack once."

Josh realised Jenna didn't know about a few days ago. He guessed that was the point. If no one knew, no one could tell his mom or therapist. Though he didn't think Jenna ever would. 

"Yeah he's been doing really good."

Jenna rolled her eyes. "Duh, he has a goal. To go with you. Tyler is the most stubborn person I've ever met, and nothing is going to stop him from going with you."

Josh felt his heart swell a little, but refused to think about why. 

"So," Jenna started, stepping forward. "If you do anything to hurt him before, during, or after this trip, I'm going to make your life hell." She finished with a song song voice. 

"Uh.." 

"I'm sure you'll do great, see you soon." She smiled and hugged him before walking across the lot. 

Josh got into his car, setting his bag down in the passenger seat. God his life was weird. 

Even though he thought it was pretty sweet of Jenna to do that for Tyler, she had nothing to worry about. He would sooner break his own arms than hurt Tyler in any way. Though that in itself had worrying implications that Josh chose not to focus on.  
All he knew was that he cared a lot about Tyler, and Tyler obviously cared a lot about him. So why overcomplicate things? 

His phone buzzed.  
'Just got outta therapy, ready for death :)'

Josh bit the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing.  
'Omw'


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should just re-name this story "a lotta raised eyebrows" because that all anyone seems to do in this story. Or "peer recognition? Peer approval?" Because that all I seem to look for.

It was 10:45am when Tyler woke up with the sudden need to pee. He also happened to hear his mother vacuuming the hallway outside his door. Coincidentally, of course.   
It also just so happened Tyler was avidly avoiding his mother for the third day in a row. Since the fight, he'd barely spoken to her.   
It wasn't that he was mad, it was just more he hated confrontation and he knew it was coming. And he knew she was going to try to apologise and he never knew what to say or do when people apologised to him. She was probability going to look at him the same way she always did even though he'd specifically told her not to. And she'd probably tear up and Tyler really didn't want to deal with that.   
No reason to panic, just wait it out right?   
And yet, his mother took and unreasonable amount of time vacuuming.   
And then, she decided, to do multiple loads of laundry.   
Might he add that the laundry room is right next to his room. And she was frequently walking by his door presumably to get more loads of laundry. Which she just had to do right now.   
No worries though, Tyler had a a strong bladder, and his mom wasn't very patient. This would be fine. 

He made it till 12:32 when his mom just so happened to wake up his siblings. He'd heard her very loudly wake up Jay and Zack, and as soon as he heard her talking to Madison, he bolted out his door and into the bathroom before she could even register his footsteps. 

All settled then, huh? Tyler could relieve himself and stare at himself in the mirror convincing himself to go back to his room, right? Wrong. 

Because as soon as he tried to dart back into his room, he immediately had to back-pedal at the sight of his mom leaning against his bedroom doorframe. 

"Tyler, I was about to wake you up." She said pleasantly. 

That had to be a special mom skill. Sounding pleasant upon the worst of times. Tyler said nothing and as if his siblings could sense the tension, they disappeared down the stairs. Though Tyler wasn't exactly being discreet, standing rigidly with fists curled in his shirt.   
Again, he wasn't mad, just uncomfortable. 

"I haven't much seen you since Saturday," her voice took on a more serious tone now that the younger kids were out of direct hearing range. 

"I've been busy with school work."

To his surprise, she didn't raise her eyebrows or make a sarcastic remark. "I know, you've been doing really good in school."

He blinked. "What?"

She held up an opened envelope and his stomach turned at the sticker stuck on the lefthand corner. District property.   
It was his report card.   
Normally this meant he was in grave danger and usually he had to escape to Jenna's house to avoid his mom. He'd forgotten all about it, though it didn't make sense, the last few weeks were finals and exams that went towards district scores, not personal grades. 

But his mom didn't seem angry, she handed him the envelope and as tempted as he was to rip it in half, he found himself taking the paper from inside and unfolding it.   
He frowned and looked up at his mom who now had her eyebrows raised.

Now, with Tyler's affinity for ditching, coming late, being a maladaptive daydreamer, and generally not paying attention in class; you can imagine his grades normally reflected just that.   
But with the effort Tyler had been putting in to everything to stay out of trouble, his grades had come up without him noticing.   
And now, with four B's and two A's, he stood in shocked silence.   
The homework he'd been doing half heartedly had all added up, and when you collected make-up work instead of just accepting missing assignment, it all added up apparently. 

"You've really been trying."

Tyler still said nothing, folding the paper again to fit it back in the envelope. 

"And because of your effort, I've decided I'm behind your decision to go with Josh."

Tyler's grip tightened on the envelope. Relief ran through him. He was going to go regardless of what she thought, but this made it so much easier, and it was going to make it so much less awkward when Josh came over. He slipped the report in his back pocket. 

"You still have to do good on your district tests though." 

"District tears." Tyler muttered before running down the stairs. 

____________

 

Josh opened his phone to see a text from Tyler.   
'What are you doing?'

'Crime.' Josh replied, knowing it'd make Tyler smirk.

'Well stop. You can't be in jail I have news to tell you.'

Josh was pretty surprised at that, Tyler usually didn't have news. Or if he did, he would just tell Josh instead of building suspense up like this. 

'I'm on parole. I'll pick you-' but he wasn't able to finish or send that text because someone called him and he accidentally pressed the answer button and what was he supposed to do? Hang up?

"Josh!" The guy said, sounding surprised that he'd picked up. 

"Hey uh..." Josh suddenly felt really bad; this guy obviously knew him, but he had no idea who he was, and his number wasn't saved in his phone. 

"Hey! Me and the gang have been trying to get ahold of you for a few days now!"

Josh frowned. He'd definitely never been affiliated with a gang.   
Then it clicked, right out of high school he'd gone a few towns over, the farthest he'd ever gone for a stock trip,  
And he'd ended up with a flat tire in an extremely sketchy neighbourhood. A girl had showed up and scared the shit out of him, but once he'd explained his situation she'd called her friends and ten minutes later he had like 8 people helping him fix a flat. 

"Hey Jared," conversation coming easily now that he knew who he was speaking to. "Sorry I didn't think any of you would ever call me again so your numbers aren't saved."

"That's alright man, a few of us are in Columbus, we leave tomorrow. Just thought you'd wanna catch lunch with us or something?" 

"Yeah sure, just text me time and place."

Jared hung up then, though Josh knew he hadn't done it in a rude intent, he just wasn't one for goodbyes. 

He re-typed his text to Tyler.   
'Gotta go see old friends for lunch; social obligations. Part of parole. Sit on your news, I'll pick you up later.'

'Don't tell me what to sit on.' Josh laughed but stopped when the next text came in, 'I have a session today so you'll have to pick me up after 6?'

'You know I will.'

'Get a job.' 

'I have a job!'

'And look where it's gotten you.'

'Well I met you'

There was no reply for several moments and then,  
'Touché.'

___________

 

Tyler stuck his feet through the back of his chair and brought another one behind him so he could lay down.   
Helen blinked at him. 

"Comfortable?"

"Very."

She tapped her pen on her clipboard for a minute before sighing. "Okay, how are you feeling today?"

Tyler twisted so he was facing her, "Not at all like I need therapy."

"That's good, that's the point."

"I definitely don't need it. And I'm not gonna need it over the summer. What are you gonna do without me?"

"Your mom agreed to let you go with Josh?"

"Well it doesn't really matter, but I got my senior report card back, and everything's super great, and that means I guess I have blessing, not that it matters, and it all great. Everything's great."

She was writing things down and Tyler didn't even care at this point. 

"Have you told Josh?" 

No Helen, been a little busy walking to therapy. He almost rolled his eyes. Wasn't therapy supposed to be something that helped you get out there, not prohibit your time and plans? Maybe he was just being impatient because he wanted to tell Josh. 

"Not yet, I was going to but y'know," he motioned around the room, "therapy."

She nodded, "You seem excited."

He frowned at her. "No I hate Josh. Or actually no, I don't even know who he is. What's a truck?"

She seemed very close to sighing again so went ahead and did it for her. 

"Tyler," Helen said, straightening. "I want to talk to you about life."

"That's a new approach." He noted. 

"I may need one everyday with you." She muttered. 

Tyler nodded in agreement and this time Helen really did sigh. 

"Okay, I'm just going to jump right into this. What do you think about living?"

"Uh.. well I obviously didn't want to do it too badly." He started. 

Helen nodded, she probably knew he was going to bring it up. 

"I think there are things I can appreciate about it, but I also hold an indifference towards prospect of dying. And also I don't think it's anything like a box of chocolates." 

"An indifference?" Helen said, ignoring his disapproval of the chocolate analogy. 

"Yeah, I mean like I don't associate death with pain, I just associate with relief from my current psychological state of mind and physical state of being."

"But you don't necessarily crave nor detest it."

"I mean saying I crave death would be really on brand for me, but I feel like I just hold a complacency with death that sometimes turns into a want."

Helen nodded, but then said "see but now we're talking about death again instead of life."

"Well that's not really my forte." Tyler pointed out, hoping to get another sigh out of her. 

Instead, she just asked "Well what do you think the difference is between life and death?"

Tyler frowned. "Well I guess living is being present.. trying to be aware and to... strive to do something I guess. And dying is to be.. dead.."

_____________

 

Josh sat at the corner of a table in a fairly busy shopping centre. He liked these people, he really did, and catching up with them was great, it was just that Josh had a habit of getting distracted.   
He people watched and that led to tangents in his thoughts which meant he was no longer listening to the person speaking.   
He also wasn't too keen on answering questions about himself, which wasn't a great social skill because it made it seem like he was closed off and unsociable. 

He really liked listening to these people and their stories, they were some of the most interesting people he'd ever met. Besides Tyler of course. 

He realised he really should stop thinking about Tyler and pay attention, but it was difficult to stop once he'd started. As cliché as it sounded, he wished Tyler were here.   
He knew his humour would resonate well with these people and he knew he'd have an easier time paying attention.   
He was wondering about the "news" Tyler wanted to tell him when he realised he was being stared at. 

"Sorry," he said, face flushing at everyone's eyes on him. "What did you say?"

Jared smiled at him, "I asked if you're still doing that business thing you were doing in high school."

"Oh yeah, in fact me and Ty- a friend of mine are making a trip this summer for a larger investment."

Jared seemed pleased that he'd answered. "Is Ty the one you've been doing this thing with for years?"

Josh laughed, "No, that's Mark. Tyler is.." he squinted. "He's.. strange.. but, great.." he said slowly, trying his best to find the correct words.   
He shook his head, "I don't know how to describe him, he... doesn't really relate to any vocabulary I can think of.." 

Now Jared's eyebrows peaked and Josh tried to backtrack, but he shook his head. "That's cool man."

Josh smiled, relieved that he didn't have to further embarrass himself. 

___________

 

Tyler had been writing again. In the same spot in his journal in fact. Because today, for once, talking to his therapist had inspired him. Because the difference between life and dying was something he didn't know he wanted to write about, but was glad he did now. 

 

Josh had texted him. 'I'm off parole.' 

Tyler was just beginning to type out a reply to Josh when he walked into the kitchen and ran into his mom. 

"Tyler I want you to come to the gas station with me."

Tyler frowned, shutting off his phone's screen. "Why didn't you go before you got home?" 

"I forgot, but tomorrow I won't have time and I have to pick up the others later tonight."

"Okay.." Tyler said, it wasn't exactly a normal occurrence for his mom to want him to go with her to do errands. He wasn't exactly good company. 

As expected, the drive there started out in silence, which gave Tyler the time to reply to Josh. 

'You're off parole but I'm being held captive.'

'You're grounded?'

'No. Just at the gas station.'

'Drama queen.'

'That's Dr. Drama Queen to you.'

'How many years were you in college for?'

'Long enough to not be disrespected by punk kids like you.'

'Listen I just met up with my friends who are in a gang and I will not hesitate to stick them on you.' 

Tyler grinned. 

"Who are you texting."

The grin immediately fell off his face and he turned his phone off. "Josh."

"You text him a lot, in fact you haven't used your phone this much ever."

"It's convenient y'know. A portable telephone. Who'd've ever thought?" He said, sarcasm clear in his voice. 

His mom looked at him dryly. "And you're constantly going to his house. He's always picking you up."

Tyler nodded, he had a sinking feeling he knew where this conversation was going. "As friends do."

"Right.... are you sure that all it is though?" 

Tyler groaned. "Mom I know we've had this conversation before."

"I know but-"

"LAAAAAAAAAAA" Tyler held his voice at a shrill pitch. 

His mom looked at him in surprise. "Tyle-"

"AHHHHHHHHHHH" 

She got out, giving him a dirty look and slamming the door and moving to pump gas. 

Tyler grinned and texted Josh again. 

'I really am a drama queen.'

'Admitting you have a problem is the first step towards solving it.'

'Pick me up in 15.'

_______________

 

When Tyler got into his truck, using the handle to swing himself in like he always did, some little tension he hadn't realised was there, relaxed in his stomach.   
It was like this morning when Tyler had told him the news, and then he had to go talk with his friends, Tyler had therapy, then he had to go to the gas station, and then Josh almost wasn't able to come because Mark wanted him to file papers; he was worried that he might not get to see Tyler tonight. And that sounded stupid even to himself.   
It was one night, they saw each other everyday. And they text each other when they aren't with each other so not seeing him shouldn't have been a big deal.   
Except Josh knew Tyler wouldn't have told him his news over text and he would've had to wait another day, and to be honest, Tyler helped him relax. 

Except right now, when he was staring at Josh with a stupid smirk on his face and a knowing look in his eye. 

Josh shifted in his seat and started driving. 

"Apartment or parking lot?" He asked and Tyler started laughing. 

"You make it sound like some secret drug run or something."

"Y'know, you make a lot of drug analogies for a high schooler."

"Technically I'm only a high schooler for like a few more weeks."

"You still are though."

"Well, you know what they about depressed kids. Getting into drugs as a coping mechanism."

"Why is it that you're coping mechanism is being an ass?"

"Just lucky."

Josh sighed, but was smiling as he pulled into the parking lot of the apartment complex. 

"Wow parking lot AND apartment. Good thinking Josh."

Josh rolled his eyes and unbuckled. 

"Are you planning on telling me this news or are you just gonna make fun of me all night?"

"As tempting as that is," Tyler started, taking a manila envelope out of his back pocket. "Look at this."

He handed it to Josh. It was already ripped open, so Josh grabbed the paper out of it and unfolded it to see Tyler's report card.   
With all A's and B's. 

He looked back up at Tyler.   
"An A in world history?"

"You're a good tutor."

Josh grinned. "This is incredible Tyler!"

Now, it was Tyler's turn to grin. "You know what's even more incredible?"

"Your B+ in math?" Josh asked?

"No. Because of all that, I got my mothers 'blessing' to go with you." He said, air quoting around "blessing". 

Josh refilled the paper, "Wait, really?!"

Tyler beamed. "Really."

Josh had thought for sure Tyler's mother was going to disagree with the whole trip and Josh would have to awkwardly ignore her frown for the rest of his life, so this was a huge relief.   
More of that tension he didn't know was there released, except this time it'd been there since he'd asked for permission.  
And now on impulse, Josh was reaching forward, arms moving around Tyler shoulders, pulling him into a hug. And it was awkward because the centre console was between them and Tyler's seatbelt was still on and Josh's leg was pushiest into the buckle of his own seatbelt; but he felt skinny arms wrap around him and he felt like it was worth it. 

He also knew this situation did not warrant a hug, and Tyler probably thought it was weird of him, so he pulled back and looked down at the folded paper. 

When he looked back up, relief flooded him because Tyler was still grinning. 

"So, are you a history buff now?"

"I always have been. Ask me anything about Theodore Roosevelt."

Josh groaned and put his head on the steering wheel while Tyler laughed at his own joke. He had a feeling this was going to be a familiar position to him very soon.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has actually been finished for a few days and I forgot to take it out of drafts I wish I was dead

"There's something going on with Tyler."

Now usually, when that phrase was used it was uttered from Tyler's mom to Helen in a hushed tone over the phone as if that would stop Tyler from hearing.   
As if it'd stop him from knowing. 

Usually, this meant there had been a sudden spike in his attitude or grades. 

But he only had a week of school left, his last report card had been his final grades.   
And Josh had hung out with Tyler yesterday and there'd been no noticeable shift in his attitude. 

So when Jenna repeated "Something's going on with Tyler.", Josh figured he was either in jail, involved in a black market operation, or something drastic of the sort. 

Instead, Jenna explained with, "He's holed up in his room writing."

Josh blinked. ".. isn't that normal for Tyler?"

Jenna rolled her eyes. "Yeah, duh. But he won't let me read it."

"Read what?" 

"Whatever he's been writing!"

Again, Josh blinked, trying his hardest to process Jenna's reaction.   
"Isn't... isn't that the point..."

"Normally, I get to read anything he leaves out. If he doesn't want me to read something, he hides it from me. But last night I went by his house and he was writing when I walked in and just kept going. So I tried to look at it and he shut the book. Wouldn't let me see it." She crossed her arms and Josh was struck with how much older he was than her. 

"Okay.. so it's something he doesn't want you to see, you should understand that."

"Yeah, but normally if he was writing something he didn't want me to see, he would've shoved it under his pillow the second I walked in. Not wave it in front of me like some sort of sadistic journalist." She glared at the air in front of her. 

Josh really couldn't do anything except blink at this point.   
".... okaaayyy...... so.... um...."

She moved her glare to him.

"I'm not seeing a solution to this that's going to make you happy."

"You're right."

"So you'll be angry for a few days and then forget about it?"

"Yes."

"Great, well. As much as I love when you do this... can you get off my car?"

__________

 

Monday. 

Mondays weren't the worst days. They definitely weren't the best, but they weren't the worst. On Monday Tyler wasn't late to any classes. He didn't have a mental breakdown in between the chemistry and history buildings. The day passed without tears and without phone calls or really even interaction with anyone.   
Though on the way home, a car honked at him and he had to pretend like he didn't see the boy hanging out of the passenger seat window yelling random things at him. 

 

On Tuesday he walked into English and saw the word "INTROSPECTION" circled on the whiteboard in giant letters. His entire lesson plan that day was discussing mental and emotional health which would've been really cool if he wasn't surrounded by dozens of kids who were too busy throwing paper at each other to listen. He also threw away the homework he was assigned in front of his teacher and got sent to detention. 

Helen (1), his mother(2), Jenna(3), Mark(4), and Josh(5) all asked him why he would do something like that.   
His final grades were in. The homework he received was simply because his chemistry teacher was an asshat and he refused to participate in her nonsense. 

Upon hearing this he got one eye roll (3), two lectures(1-2), one shrug(4), and one laugh(5). 

 

On Wednesday he went to his last therapy appointment of the plan and then showed up in the middle of math wearing a hoodie and sweatpants. Helen had talked to him about introspection as well, he guessed she'd kind of been talking about it the whole time he'd been going to therapy, he'd just never known there was a word for it. Introspection was basically therapy in general.   
But he felt better thinking that he was examining his mental and emotional health and contemplating it instead of saying he saw his old therapist that repeatedly sighed at him twice a week. 

 

On Thursday he convinced his mom he was sick and stayed home from school. After she left for work he walked to Josh's apartment and knocked.   
Mark opened the door a crack so only his eye showed through, but then saw it was Tyler and held it open wide. 

"Who did you expect? A robber?"

"No worse, Josh's mother."

Tyler figured he shouldn't ask Mark about Josh's business so he sat down on their couch instead. 

"Make yourself at home." Mark muttered. 

"I always do." Tyler chimed. 

"I'll tell Josh you're- never mind."

Tyler glanced up to see Josh at the frame of the hallway with bedhead and a toothbrush sticking out of his mouth. Except "bedhead" with a mohawk was just kind of a flattened, splayed out mess.   
He wore pyjama pants and no shirt and Tyler didn't even try to hide it when he looked him over. 

"Aren't you something right out of a movie?" He said. 

Josh rolled his eyes and took the toothbrush out of his mouth, "It's Thursday, I know you have school today."

Tyler groaned and leaned until he was laying on the couch. Putting his feet up and closing his eyes, he said, "Im sick."

He heard Josh sigh and opened one eye. He pointed the toothbrush at him. "Did you brush your teeth?"

Tyler groaned again and covered his face with a decorative pillow and then frowned. He was surprised Josh and Mark had decorative pillows. The only people he knew with decorative pillows were moms. Oh yeah. 

Tyler sat up now, Mark had made his exit and Josh was spitting into the kitchen sink. Tyler wrinkled his nose in slight disgust, but then shook his head. 

"Your mom is coming?" He asked. 

Josh rinsed off his toothbrush and then looked at him over his shoulder. Once again Tyler didn't try to hide his glance over Josh's back muscles.   
"No, not right now... at least, I hope not."

"Mark acted like she was on her way or something."

Josh made his way over so Tyler lifted his feet until Josh sat down and then put them on his lap. 

Josh didn't even seem to notice or care because he continued talking. "No, she found out because I accidentally left my location on when I obligatorily posted on my old Facebook."

Tyler sat up faster than he'd ever moved. It took Josh about three seconds before he realised his fatal mistake, his face went blank. 

"I do not have a Facebook Tyler."

But it was too late, Tyler was up and across the room, phone out. 

"Tyler!" Josh got up, heading over. 

"Is it under Josh or Joshua?" Tyler called, pressing himself against a wall. 

"Tyler don't-"

"Found it!"

Now panic was staring to set in, Josh couldn't remember everything that was on there he'd gotten his account in like 2009.

Josh reached for his phone but Tyler held it above his head. 

"You're only a quarter of an inch taller than me you ass." Josh reached for the phone again but Tyler was nothing if not fast. 

He was standing on the couch, but now he was laughing. Josh rubbed his temples from his spot on the wall. 

 

___________

 

"Josh you had a lip piercing?" Tyler guffawed from the couch. 

That sent a new energy wave through him and he charged at Tyler who screamed in terror that was a little too real, but he was also laughing. 

Josh basically battering rammed into him and he flew back, head hitting the wall with an audible noise and phone flying out of his hand.   
Tyler apparently didn't feel pain, because he surged for his phone along with Josh and they both landed next to it on the floor. Tyler got a hold of it first and locked the screen before Josh could pry it out of his hands.   
Josh had tackled him and pinned him in order to do so.   
Upon seeing the dark screen Josh threw the phone back at Tyler and crossed his arms, knee still on Tyler's chest, and Tyler still laughing. 

At this point Mark re-entered the room and was met with this sight. He sighed. 

"Please don't put any holes in the wall with your head or any other limbs.." he said, opening the door. 

"Where are you going?" Tyler asked from under Josh. 

"To get groceries," he paused, "aren't you uncomfortable.. or are you like, just chillin there?"

Tyler looked up at Josh who raised his eyebrows. 

"Nah I'm good here." Tyler said, looking back at Mark. 

Mark spent about 10 seconds blinking at them before he shifted his gaze, shook his head, and then left. 

Josh took his knee off Tyler and rolled down to lay next to him. 

"You have like.... pointy knees or something..." 

Josh covered his eyes with his hand. "Right. Well we know why you had a B- in Anatomy."

"Hey I'm not the one with tampons up my nose. I know where the vagina is."

Josh choked, his hand flying up to grab the phone featuring a picture of him in high school, he did indeed have tampons not only in his nose but tied to his lip piercing, and hair.

Tyler rolled over and shoved the phone into his pocket. 

Josh rested his head on the floor. "I hate you so much."

"You're the one who told me."

"I didn't expect you to be so fast."

"Well now you know what you get for assuming."

 

_____________

 

Friday started out the worst. Which was surprising saying it was Tyler's last day of school, graduation ceremony was only a few days away. One would think he'd wake up optimistic and ready for the day. 

Except his mom couldn't drive him to school today. Except Ohio's weather was so screwy sometimes. 

Because yesterday it had been 72 degrees Fahrenheit out, which was perfect for him because he could wear all black without wanting to die anymore than normal, but he didn't have to feel any biting cold either.   
And today it was 49 and raining. 

Though raining seemed like a downplay.   
There was a torrential downpour going on outside. He could hear it hammering down on his bedroom window and he pulled his boots on. Not because he wanted to, Tyler didn't wear boots to school because they made too much noise when he walked through the hallways. But vans and water didn't mix too well. This also meant he had to wear skinny jeans instead of sweatpants because that would've looked too ridiculous even for him. And he had to wear at least one jacket, so now he had a whole outfit on and he looked pretty good and it made him seem like one of those people who dress up for the first and last days of school, and he despised it. 

He slung his bag over his shoulder and left the house without an umbrella because his brothers had taken one of them and he wasn't going to leave Maddy without one when she got up for school.   
So instead he shoved his phone in his jeans pocket hoping it wouldn't get wet and put the hood of his jacket up, though it didn't do much good. 

Tyler was used to walking. He walked from his house to therapy and from therapy to school all the time. But from his house to school was a different, much longer, story. He tried to walk as fast as he could, convincing himself that he would get less wet. 

Ten minutes later the cold and wet had seeped into his jacket and he was miserable. 

But only got worse because somehow, with the effort of walking so quickly, he'd started sweating. In the rain. 

He really couldn't even fathom how he was sweating in freezing wind and biting cold. He didn't feel hot, but nonetheless sweat began to drop from his forehead and into his face. He was pissed. 

In fact he was so pissed that he got to school twenty minutes early. 

He sighed and slipped into the hallway. It was mostly empty, teachers were already in their classrooms and any students that were purposely here were in band room or some other extracurricular activity. Tyler used to have to come early for basketball practice on Tuesdays.   
Now, he wandered around making awkward eye contact with students that were camped in front of their classes, doing homework or on their phones. 

Tyler frowned slightly at the the squeak of his shoes and was just glad he wasn't sweating anymore. He knew he had a locker around somewhere, he'd just never used it before, preferring to keep his stuff with him. He took his student planner out of his bag. He'd also never used it before, but he remembered his student counsellor scribbling his locker number and combination down in the back page along with his ID and lunch number. Why were there so many? Why couldn't the ID and lunch number be the same. Maybe if they were Tyler would actually get the free lunch that he was allowed to receive if he wanted to. That wasn't true. He wrinkled his nose at the prospect of eating cafeteria mush.   
He wandered until he found his locker, and after a few tries, he got the lock to open.   
He was a senior, which meant he got a full length locker instead of a half one like underclassmen did. He definitely didn't need it, he thought as he hung his bag over the side of the door.   
He unzipped his windbreaker and hung it on the hook in the locker, leaving him in his slightly damp hoodie. He debated taking it off or leaving it on.   
It was getting closer to school's start and this meant the hallways were beginning to fill up, unfortunately this meant a girl who was apparently Tyler's locker neighbour, showed up too.   
He quickly shoved his hoodie off and used it to dry his hair and face as best he could before hanging it up with his windbreaker.   
He just wanted to get through the day without being bothered.   
Unfortunately, luck was against him. 

"Are you new?" The girl who'd been shooting him confused looks the entire time, asked. 

Tyler frowned. It was the last day of school. "No."

"I've never seen you around."

"I don't use my locker."

"Why not?"

Tyler blinked. Did it matter?   
"To avoid conversations like this." 

Now it was her turn to blink. Tyler didn't care in the least if it was deemed rude or not.   
He slung his backpack over his shoulder and shut his locker, barely remembering to lock it before turning down the hall.   
He took out his phone to see a text from Josh. 

'It's raining like a motherfucker.'

'Wow I didn't know you were an aspiring weatherman.' Tyler replied, knowing Josh was one of the few people not offended or confused by his sarcasm. 

'I'm not, just a rain connoisseur.' 

Tyler almost snorted. 'Is "raining like a motherfucker" a technical term? How many years did you go to rain school?'

'Not long enough. Wanna help me study some more after school?'

'You're a smooth guy Josh.'

'I know.'

'I guess, I'll take some time out of my busy schedule to hang out with the deprived 21 year old who's best friend is still in high school.' He sent before shoving his phone into his pocket and stomping into class. Not that he meant to stomp. He was wearing boots he really didn't have a choice. 

 

__________

 

Josh wasn't surprised when he opened the door and Tyler walked in wordlessly, flipping down on the couch. 

"Y'know, you have my number. You don't have to shown up unannounced." Josh said, but he still walked over to sit with him on the couch. 

Tyler sat up slightly and ran his fingers through his damp hair. Josh tracked the movement. 

"I couldn't text you in the rain, my phone would've gotten wet."

"Why didn't you just ask me to pick you up from school?" Josh asked, moving his gaze from Tyler's hair to his eyes. 

"I was trying to get out of there as fast as possible."

"Did something happen?" Concern filled him, but it dissipated when Tyler flopped his head down on the couch. 

"Yes. Some girl who is evidently my locker neighbour, tried to talk to me twice today."

Josh raised his eyebrows amusedly. "Was it really so bad?"

"She asked me if I was new, Josh."

He let out a laugh and put a hand on Tyler's knee, squeezing slightly. "Well now you'll only have to see her for graduation and then never again."

Tyler groaned, "Don't remind me."

"You're not excited for graduation?" Josh asked, letting his hand linger on Tyler's knee, trying to not think about why he didn't want to pull away. 

"No. I don't think it should be a celebration because it's something everyone expects of you. When you hear 'high school dropout' or 'I didn't finish high school' you think that that person isn't going to go anywhere in life, and yet when a person graduated we act like we're so surprised and proud of them. Families come and you have to act pleasant and really you just wanna die."

Josh looked down at his phone that was buzzing in his lap.   
"Speaking of families and wanting to die." He muttered, recognising the number as his mothers. 

He let it ring till the last second and then he answered. 

"Hey mom." 

Tyler sat up. Josh raised his eyebrows at him and Tyler raised them right back. 

His mom sounded surprised she got an answer and a sting of guilt spread through him. She began talking about how she knew he was leaving soon and asking, practically begging for him to come have dinner before he left. 

The usual hand-wringing, stomach-turning anxiety he felt at the mention of this kicked in, but wasn't as extreme because he was watching Tyler absently pick at a string on his jeans while he was watching Josh. 

Josh realised that it was probably why Tyler was such a good distraction for him. Because besides having an insane amount of trust towards Tyler, he also was so entranced by everything that he did that there was no way for him to focus on his anxiety. 

And he'd had this realisation plenty of times before, but it never ceased to amaze him, and this time it sent words rolling out of his mouth before he could recognise them. 

"What about tonight?"

His mother paused. "What?"

Tyler's eyes were locked onto his own and Josh found himself continuing to talk. "What about having dinner tonight?" He repeated. 

"I- oh. Okay! Yeah, sure! I'm sure everyone would be happy to!"

"Can I bring someone?"

"What? Yeah! Sure honey, whatever makes you comfortable, um, I'll call you again or um.. I'll-"

"Okay bye mom, love you, I'll see you soon." He said, hanging up before he said anything else he'd regret. 

Tyler was still sitting up, eyes on Josh.

"You remember when you said you wanted to meet my whole family?"

 

____________

 

Tyler had never been more glad he'd worn jeans instead of sweatpants today. Showing up to Josh's parents house in sweatpants would've been quite possibly the most embarrassing thing he'd could ever do. Maybe, besides like, having the remnants of a panic attack in front of Josh's sister.   
And if he'd had to go home and change he would've been bombarded with questions and he really didn't want to handle that right now. At least not from his mom.   
Plus he was already super happy and admittedly a little emotional that Josh wanted him to come along. 

And after about two hours of Tyler asking if he was sure and Josh reassuring him, and then another hour of Josh suddenly not wanting to go, and Tyler reassuring him; Josh's mom called and said to come up whenever he (or they) were ready. 

"Let's go." Josh said, grabbing an umbrella. 

"We're walking?" Tyler asked, getting ready to whine. 

"Driving in the rain gives me anxiety." Josh said and Tyler shut off his whine. Never mind. 

"That's fair." He said. 

 

And now, he was sitting at the Dun family dining table, slightly damp because Josh thought it'd be funny to push him out from under the umbrella in the middle of a monsoon.   
Okay, maybe not a monsoon. 

Josh's mom had been good about hiding her surprise, and Tyler could see how excited she was that Josh was here, and had actually suggested this. 

Ashley and her fiancé were already there, and she smiled warmly at Tyler, asking him how he was doing as Josh slid onto the bench against the wall. Tyler followed suit, telling her he was better than last time, getting a light laugh from her in return. 

Josh's mom had smiled at him with the same warmth as Ashley and Tyler knew where Josh got his smile from. Not his polite one, but the one when he was bent over laughing, or when he was grinning at Tyler from the drivers seat with his tongue poking out and eyes crinkling. 

Jordan came next, looking literally like an exact fusion of Josh and Ashley. And lastly came Abigail from her room. She looked a few years younger than Tyler.   
They all shared a smile, and they all shared a kindness. 

Ashley asked Josh about work and Tyler felt Josh's thigh press against his own. Tyler pushed back, knowing even being here put Josh on edge, and letting him now he was here no matter what. 

Josh inhaled deeply and then began talking, his voice strong. Tyler smiled at him. 

Once they were all sat down and eating, Josh's dad asked him how old he was. 

"I turned 18 in December." 

"How did you meet Josh?" Jordan piped up. 

Tyler grinned. "At a makeshift market I was forced to go to." 

Tyler wasn't sure how much of his work his family knew about. So he decided he would keep everything on the the down low unless Josh mentioned it himself. 

Josh laughed, "Please, you had a great time."

"No it was horrible. You didn't even have a Mohawk." 

"Wait," Abigail said, jaw dropping. "You're the one who convinced him to do that." She was grinning. 

"No!" Josh said indignantly. "I just wanted a change!" 

"Right, it was just a very, very, very big coincidence." Tyler replied, feeling at ease. 

He'd been wound up when they'd first gotten here. He'd had a hundred things going through his head. Namely, what if they didn't like him. 

But the warmth of the family had melted into him and he was smiling and laughing and everything was going really good until Josh's mom asked, "So why did you want to bring Tyler with you?"

Josh's leg, which had previously been bouncing mindlessly, froze. 

".. I... um..." Tyler saw his Adam's apple move. He understood. He couldn't exactly say Tyler was here as an anxiety crutch. 

"I made him take me. He told me about how well you made dinner and I couldn't miss out on that." Tyler interjected, hoping his light tone would sway the conversation. 

Luckily it worked, his mom laughing and talking about her recipe, Josh's leg resumed bouncing, and he smiled at Tyler. 

Until it was getting a little later into the night, they moved from the table to the living room and Tyler was pressed against a wall, Josh next to him. 

Abigail had gone to bed and Jordan had gone to the bathroom. Leaving Ashley and her fiancé cleaning up in the kitchen, and Josh's dad flipping through TV stations. 

Josh's mom approached them now. 

"Josh." The tone of her voice was enough to make Josh stiffen, and Tyler shifted his knee so it was touching the side of his leg. 

She was quiet, gentle, "I'm really glad you came.." 

Josh nodded, still stiff, fingers tapping the wall behind him. 

"And, I'm glad you came too Tyler," she said, once again smiling at him. Tyler wondered if her cheeks hurt. 

She looked back at Josh and then frowned. "Are you alright? You look a little pale honey." She said, moving to put her hand on his forehead. 

Josh's hand shot out and grabbed Tyler's wrist. It took everything in him not to gasp or jump in surprise. But Josh's grip was firm, he was nearly shaking at her touch.   
He splayed his fingers out over his wrist and felt his pulse hammering. 

She pulled her hand back. "Well, you don't feel hot. Do you want Advil or something?" She asked and Josh shook his head. 

"No we're leaving." He said, voice strained. 

His mom opened her mouth as if to argue, but Tyler saw her eyes flick over Josh's grip on Tyler's wrist, and their legs pressed together. 

"Are you sure?" She asked quietly. 

Josh nodded, and nudged Tyler towards the door. 

"I had a really good time and I'll see you soon, tell the others I said bye and I love you." He said, rushing. 

"Thank you-" Tyler began but Josh's mom cut him off. 

"No, thank you Tyler. Feel free to come back anytime." She said, hushed and quick before Josh was pulling Tyler out of the house, hand still around his wrist. Tyler glimpsed Josh's umbrella sitting my the door and then he was in the street and raindrops were hitting his head. 

Josh's pace didn't slow until they were down the street. Then he let out a breath, grip loosening and feet stopping. 

"Are you-" Tyler was about to ask if he was okay but he stopped at the sight of Josh grinning at him, eyes shiny. 

"That was the longest I've ever stayed. I usually can't make it through dinner."

Tyler smiled back at him, "I told you it'd be okay."

"Only because of you."

"No way, you did so good." Tyler said, trying to get Josh to take some of the credit. But he wouldn't budge. 

"And everyone was talking and having a good time, you're incredible Tyler." At this, Tyler's face heated. 

"I told you.. I'm here for you." Tyler said quietly. 

"Thank you." Josh said, equally as quiet.

The rain had dwindled down to a light drizzle and this time, the sweat slick down his back and neck, and water in his hair and jacket, wasn't so annoying. 

 

__________

 

Josh had a confusing relationship with the rain. And when he told people this they tended to look at him like he was insane, or tell him he was being extra. 

Josh thought the rain was beautiful from a window and was great during times he could control when he could get in and out of it.   
He thought it was terrifying when he was in the car and the roads were slick and the windshield wipers didn't work fast enough and his view was covered by rain and he began to get claustrophobic and he knew every other car was experiencing the same thing.   
When it didn't rain for really long periods of time he missed it, and he'd find himself in the shower for much longer than needed, staring at the lines in his fingers and hands. 

Now, he looked down at them just beginning to form, clasped around Tyler's wrist. He looked up.   
He usually did not like rain in his face and eyes and on his clothes weighing him down and sticking to him. But he wasn't even thinking about those things because drops of water were hitting the sides of Tyler's nose and coming together to drop off of the end. Tyler seemed to fit into the rain. His hair darker and eyes brighter, Tyler felt like rain. 

When his mom's hand had come forward towards his head all he'd been able to see was the same scene playing out when he wouldn't eat and would get sick. Her hand coming towards his head, eyes sad, asking him if he was sure he wasn't hungry. And his mouth so dry, skin yellowing and judgement hazy. 

And then he'd grabbed Tyler's hand and felt his knee poking the back of his leg, letting him know he was there. Like the rain, there for him. Giving him something to top his chin back and take in. And then he hadn't been in his bedroom anymore.   
And now he was in the middle of the street with Tyler and then rain because he'd left his umbrella in his moms house and he didn't mind. 

 

________

 

On Saturday Tyler woke up with his carpet imprinted on his cheek because he'd slept on Josh's floor with him and the Josh had stolen his pillow. He lifted his head from the floor, his neck and the side of his face tingling with similar pains.   
Josh was still sleeping, three pillows and two blankets all around him and somehow he was using all of them. 

Tyler narrowed his eyes at the man and flipped one of the blankets up to cover his face. It didn't deter him. 

Tyler crawled over to where his phone was charging and unplugged it to check it. Jenna had called him twice and texted him once. 

'Okay so you carry your phone now, but still can't answer it?' 

'I was in the rain, and then sleeping'

'You slept in the rain?'

'What? No.'

'Well then you have no excuse.' 

Tyler stared at the screen. How was he supposed to reply? He didn't have to. 

'Anyways, more importantly, what are you wearing to graduation?'

'Isn't the cap n gown thing kind of mandatory?'

'Yeah but under it.'

'Why does it matter?'

'Who all is coming?'

''No one hopefully.'

"Don't you think people will want to go?'

'I don't even want to go.'

Tyler didn't get to read Jenna's reply because he got hit in the face with a pillow. 

"Why'd you cover my face with the blanket you ass!" Josh groaned, sitting up. 

"You have no proof that I did." Tyler replied, tucking the pillow behind him. 

"I could've died." Josh said, sighing dramatically. 

Tyler decided not to make his comment about how if it was that easy he would've died a long time ago, and instead said "I think you're being a little drastic."

Josh put a hand on his chest. "I can't believe you tried to murder me."

"If I wanted to kill you I'd bore you to death and make you come to my graduation." Tyler muttered. 

"I am coming." Josh said. 

"No." Tyler shook his head. 

"Yeah-"

"Noooo." Again shaking his head. 

"Tyle-"

"Nah."

Josh flipped back onto his pillows, throwing the blanket over his head. 

"Promise me that you're not gonna be dumb and throw me a stupid graduation party or something."

Josh moved the blanket so one eye was visible. "Can I take you on a trip instead?"

Tyler leaned back against the wall, hiding his smile with his hand. "I guess."

Josh's eye crinkled and Tyler knew he was grinning.

 

___________

 

Sometimes talking to Jenna felt like being prey, backed into a corner by a very abrasive and demanding predator. 

"So what are we going for Tyler's graduation??"

"He made me promise not to throw him a party." Josh blurted out and Jenna frowned. 

"Why'd you promise something like that?" 

"He's scary."

"But he made ME promise I wouldn't make everyone go to the ceremony. What else are we supposed to do that doesn't leave him out of his comfort zone?"

Josh shrugged. "This may be one of those times you're just going to have to deal with not doing anything." He said. 

Jenna blinked at him. 

Josh sighed, "Okay, fine. What if we just all pitch him to get him a gift. That way it's not like a bunch of graduation gifts and it's more down played?"

Now she smiled, which might've been a bad omen.

"A Nintendo 64."

Josh frowned. "What? Jenna I'm pretty sure that system is older than you."

Jenna rolled her eyes, which seemed to happen frequently. 

"It's what he wants. He used to have one and play all the time but when he was 13 his mom sold it as a punishment."

Josh opened his mouth to say he thought that was a stupid punishment but Jenna kept talking "I know, dick move. Anyways, he might actually faint if we get him one."

 

______________

 

It was Monday and Tyler thought he'd rather salt his eyes than be present. 

It was graduation and Tyler thought he'd rather salt his eyes than be present. 

He was in the living room where his mother was making him try on his cap and gown and he- well you get it. 

For some reason, unlike literally every school in the district, instead of having black or grey or navy blue robes, they had a weird off-white colour that reminded him of drywall and he wanted to die. More than usual. 

He'd thwarted the battle of his mom taking pictures by telling her he'd throw up a peace sign in every single one of them. 

And he'd convinced Josh and Jenna not to come by telling them he'd refuse to graduate if they were there. 

So all he had to do was get there, sit through the boring speech and go to the bathroom during the panoramic, accept his graduation certificate and get out before his mom found anyone she knew. 

Easy right?


	10. Chapter 10

Tyler had thought graduation would be something he could float through while disassociating like some sort of wraith.   
Tyler was gravely mistaken.

Coincidentally he also wished he was in a grave. 

Because everything he'd strategically done to get through it had seemed to work accordingly. He was able to sit through ceremonious speeches and drawn out ramblings. He was able to deal with teary-eyed strangers that pretended they'd known him all year.   
He'd even been able to suffer through the 14 people who congratulated him on being able to "come so far", or that they're "so proud that he was able to pull himself up despite everything". 

He didn't feel very up. In fact, he felt quite the opposite.   
But he'd managed, he'd given small nods and fake smiles, he'd muttered thank you and everything was looking up until seating arrangements for final ceremony. 

They were arranged alphabetically by last name, and while he was thrilled to be in an aisle seat, unfortunately the girl with the closest last name on the other side of him, was crying and breathing heavily.   
He hated heavy breathing. Heaving, choking, sputtering, estranged noises from the backs of people's throats. They were all horrible, and they all seemed to be coming from this girl.   
So now, Tyler's toes curled in his dress shoes that felt foreign on his feet. He seated himself on the far edge of his chair and bit the inside of his cheek. 

"J" wasn't too far down the alphabet right? 

It turned out, that crying girl was also a wipe-snot-on-her-hands-and-wrists type of girl as well.   
Tyler had cried into Josh's jacket once, and he was sure snot and tears had covered it. But it was nothing compared to this girl. She seemingly had an affinity for being a cliché mess.   
Heavy makeup streaked down her cheeks, throat moving, hands all over her face, snot and make up and tears all over the sleeve of the off-white robe she was wearing. 

As much as Tyler tried not to be disgusted with people, he couldn't quite help it when he bit down harder on the inside of his cheek. 

And he remained that way, until his name was called, and he again couldn't help it when he bolted from his seat a little too fast. He slowed his pace, making sure to keep eye contact with the ground, especially passing the parents and guests seating.   
He realised that he was done. Done with this school, and the people, and the coming in late. Done with the looks people threw him, done with the early mornings and giving respect to people who didn't deserve it.   
So even with his feet killing him, and the heavy robe making him sweat a little, and the general feeling of not wanting to be there; Even with an entire stadium eyes on him, even knowing lost all of them were looking at him as the boy who tried to commit suicide 9 months ago and had had a rough time ever since. And even with the prospect of dealing with all the family that would be calling the house to speak to him, he felt a small smile forming on his face.   
He was done with this place, he was leaving with Josh soon and he'd be away from all these eyes. 

 

____________

 

"As far as I recall," Tyler began when he walked into the room. "I said I didn't want a party." 

Josh grinned, leaning against a table draped in a blue tablecloth.   
"It's not a party."

Tyler narrowed his eyes, "Well it's a fantastic paradox then."

"Look, no music, no surprise shouts, no wrapped presents, no cake, no candles. No party." Josh replied. "Just some friends hanging out in a room."

"Right," Tyler nodded "in a room with themed table cloths, way too many snacks, and a banner." He said, eyeing the white cloth Jenna had insisted on putting up. 

"Ur old" was oh so gracefully written across it, also courtesy of the one and only. 

"I told her no-" Josh started but Jenna cut him off, grabbing Tyler's arm and pulling him further into her living room. 

"Please, I wasn't allowed a party so I got away with a banner. Now, you're gonna sit here and listen to us be emotional and banter and probably make some pretentious sarcastic comment, and then you're gonna see your present."

"You said no presents." Tyler whined, throwing his head back. 

"I said no wrapped presents." Josh corrected. 

He crossed his arms, grinning at Tyler's apparent dismay. He knew it was a partial front. Because he'd seen the light in his eyes present even now.

Now, he sat on the arm rest of a chair he'd pulled over around the TV along with the couch only a few hours ago.   
Jenna had had him and Mark do all of the heavy lifting, not that he minded. 

"Well, I'm 18 and I have three friends," Tyler stated. "Two of them three years older than me, and one of them two years younger than me." 

"Wait Jenna is only 16??" Mark interrupted. 

"How old did you think I was?" She asked, raising her head from the sandwich she was devouring. 

"I didn't think you had an age. I thought you were some sort of immortal hell beast that transcended human time laws." 

Tyler blinked. "Same."

"Don't make me hit you on your graduation day." Jenna warned 

Josh took this time to slide a package over the table with his foot. 

Tyler raised an eyebrow. "Subtle."

"It's from all of us." Mark said, now turning in his chair towards Tyler. 

Tyler glared at the package, poking it with his finger. Josh smirked, wondering what Tyler's personal vendetta against presents was. 

Jenna sighed, "I'll say it again, don't make me hit you on-"

Tyler ripped the paper loudly, cutting over her and staring at her with raised eyebrows. She moved towards him and Tyler was out of his seat and behind Josh in seconds. 

Josh laughed, but also was kind of terrified. "Alright, new rule, no scaring people tonight, no hitting of any kind." He said, throwing Jenna a pointed look. 

She huffed and crossed her arms, sitting back and muttering about how he'd asked for it.   
Tyler returned to the couch and finished ripping off the paper.   
He didn't even have it all the way off before he recognised the system. 

"Oh my god." His eyes shone, and he was grinning like a five year old, hands running all over it as if he couldn't believe it was there. 

Josh was grinning too because he really just couldn't help himself. Tyler had this smile that Josh had only seen once or twice before and it was the best thing he could ever fathom in the entire universe. 

He'd never seen anyone hook something up so quickly in his life. 

 

___________

 

"What do you mean you've never played????" Tyler was taken aback. 

Josh frowned, "I don't know I never played video games growing up, and I've been doing this job since I was 16, and consoles are expensive, I don't know man." 

Tyler basically full force threw the controller at Josh, who still managed to catch it. 

"We're playing Mario Kart. Now."

"Why does the controller look like this? It's completely dysfunctional." Josh commented. 

"Josh, I can't go with you any longer. In fact we can't be friends anymore. I have to go right now." Tyler stood. 

Josh rolled his eyes, grabbing onto Tyler's elbow and pulling him back down. "Slow your roll Cowboy. Teach me how."

Tyler smiled now, and Josh returned it with just as much intensity. Even if he'd just sat watching him play for hours, even if Jenna was curled up sleeping on the couch and Mark had gone back to the apartment. Even if it was way too late for this, he was happy and so was Tyler and that was all that mattered to him at the moment. 

"Josh," Tyler said, navigating through the menu. 

"Yeah?"

"Did you call me cowboy as a tribute to my rough rider joke from when we first met?"

Josh sighed, but then grinned. "Well you still are Tyler Roosevelt in my phone." 

 

_____________

 

Josh sat in the drivers seat of his truck with his arm thrown over the arm rest, a picture in his hand. 

It was only yesterday that he'd thought he knew which of Tyler's smiles was the best. He'd thought for sure it was the one that lit his eyes up like the moon, the one reserved for childhood nostalgia or stupid inside jokes. The one that made him seem younger, less depressed teen and more happy go lucky. 

But now he'd changed his mind. Because Tyler's mom had asked him to get the photos from Tyler's graduation developed, as few as there were. And he'd said yes. 

And now, he knew which one of Tyler's smiles were the best. It was the one in this picture.   
With his head bowed and body language slumped, as if betraying the facial expression. His eyes were still shining, but along with a happy gleam, there looked like the beginnings of tears. He was almost smirking, but it was gentler, softer, meant for no ones eyes, he probably didn't even realise he had done it. It took Josh's breath away. 

Now Josh felt a keen want to have this photo in his wallet, or frame it and put it on display in his room, or blow it up 50 times its original size and put it on a billboard.   
Instead, he took out his phone and held the print as still as he could as he snapped a picture of it.   
He sighed, putting his phone in his pocket and the print back in with the other couple of photos Tyler's mom had been able to take without catching Tyler's attention. 

"It's not creepy you just think he's cute." Josh muttered at himself as he pulled out of his parking spot. 

He shook his head. "Not creepy." 

 

___________

 

"I can't believe you're actually doing this." Jenna said. 

"Doing what?"

"Leaving town with a man twice your age."

Tyler frowned. "Jenna he's 21 not 36." 

Jenna put a hand on her head for dramatisation. "My little son, he's growing so fast."

"Okay, firstly I'm older than you. Secondly, can you please act this out later he'll be here soon."

"He can wait." Jenna hugged him now, pulled away, and then mocked like she was dabbing tears from her eyes. 

"You're the worst." He said, and she broke character to glare at him. 

Tyler sighed, he was leaving today and the reality of it had seemingly set into everyone except him. His mom had basically given him a eulogy before he left. And he was only at Jenna's because he knew he would be 45 and still hearing about it if he didn't come to say goodbye to her. He didn't know why this was such a big deal to everyone. It's not like he was going on a three year voyage over seas.   
He wasn't leaving the country, in fact they'd only be going to surrounding states and he'd be back in frequent intervals. So??? Why was everyone acting like he was going to his death?  
He'd already tried that once. It didn't work out. 

He shifted his bag on his shoulders and let Jenna hug him again before Josh pulled up on the street.   
Tyler had known his mom would've kept them for hours if Josh had picked him up from his house, and Tyler was not about to walk all the way to Josh's apartment. 

He was out the door after Jenna made him promise he would call her.   
Tyler had two bags, one was a duffel-type suitcase that he'd put his clothes and shoes in, and the other was l his school backpack that he'd filled with things like his phone charger, toothbrush, journal, etc.   
He'd felt kind of weird bringing his journal with him, but as he swing himself into the passenger seat and saw Josh's smile, he'd knew it'd be fine. 

"You ready?" Josh asked, shifting gears. 

"Yeah, are you?" Tyler replied, putting his backpack on the floor in between his feet. 

Josh nodded, "I'm still surprised you even wanna come. I still don't know why you agreed.. or why I thought you'd want to." 

Tyler looked out the window watching them turn off of Jenna's street. "I like the idea of getting away from here.. not permanently, but just kind of... away."

Josh was quiet so Tyler continued. "Like everyone knows who I am here, and they know what I did and they all look at me with the same face, the same reasoning. And you don't treat me like that, and no one we run into is gonna treat me like that.. and you know, no one is gonna start crying when I say something."

"I might." Josh smiled.

Tyler rolled his eyes, "Also, I think that we're gonna find something super cool and I'm not gonna have to feel like I'm suffocating in normalcy."

"I don't know what we'd find in hotel rooms and small time business stockrooms, but I'm down." 

"That's half of it. We don't know what we're gonna find, and if we find something spectacular in the midst of the most normal looking place, that'd be... dope.." he said, frowning at his own lack of vocabulary. 

This of course, sparked a fit of laughter from Josh who repeated "dope." 

 

___________

 

Josh was worried. Both specifically and generally. There was so many things to worry about and at this pint normally his leg would be bouncing up and down, as that was a nervous habit of his. Except he was driving and as one can imagine, that would be terrifying. 

So Josh was reduced to constant glancing around, scratching at his head, cracking his knuckles at red lights, and biting at his lip. 

Tyler hadn't spoke since the beginning of the car ride and that was Josh's main worry. He was fully aware Tyler wasn't the type of person to be silent in the car, at least not with Josh. But maybe he was just thinking. This was going to be his last look of Columbus for a couple weeks, maybe it had caught up with him. 

But that was another worry. What if Tyler didn't want to come anymore? He'd been excited about it but what if he changed his mind?

Or if he still was excited, what if this trip wasn't all Tyler hoped for? He obviously held it in high hopes and at high standards. What if after the first night in a shitty motel he decided he preferred home instead? What if he got tired of riding in the truck all the time? What if he got tired of Josh? 

Helen had spoken to him a few days before they left about Tyler's medication. According to her, he took them everyday. But Josh knew that Tyler only took them on the worst days because he'd told him that.   
Josh wanted Tyler to continue to be his friend, he didn't want to force him to take his pills.   
And he wouldn't, he trusted Tyler's ability to gauge his own mind.   
She'd also told him that she was "looking forward to seeing the results of this trip."   
Which was a mess in itself. What if there weren't any results? What if Tyler came back just as pessimistic and dark as ever? Because he wasn't making this trip to change Tyler like that, he wasn't a therapist. Tyler was his friend, and he was excited to be here, so what was Josh supposed to do?

This and more all spinning in his head meant that he kept shooting looks over at Tyler. He must've taken notice because after about ten minutes he lifted his head from the window to look at Josh. 

"Are you trying to communicate with me telepathically? Because it's not working."

Josh's brain spun as he searched for something to say. 

"Ah- um, what are you thinking about?" He cringed. That was the worst question.   
"No sorry, I hate that question-"

Tyler cut him off, "To be honest, I was thinking about how when I was little I used to think something was following the car and would hop from post to post on fences like that one." He said, motioning to the fence they were going by that separated street from property. 

Josh let out a little sigh and then smiled. Tyler returned it and Josh instantly felt his stomach release a tightness he didn't realise he was holding. Maybe he should just take it one day at a time. 

 

____________

 

Tyler grinned up at the illuminated sign that read "Extended Stay - WiFi - Breakfast" that hung precariously close to arms reach.   
He was tempted to jump up and touch it. In fact he was going to touch it.   
He stretched out his arm and prepared to jump before he heard his name. 

He spun around to face Josh, hands going behind his back, a grin spreading across his face.   
Josh's eyes flicked to the sign Tyler was standing suspiciously close to, and sighed. 

"Tyler don't hit the sign." He said, voice tired as he started opening the trucks doors. 

"I wasn't gonna hit it." Tyler replied, coming around the back of the truck to help him. 

"I only went to get a room, why'd you even get out of the car?" Josh asked, handing him his bag. 

"I've been in it all dayyy." Tyler whined. 

Josh rolled his eyes. "Three and a half hours is not all day."

Tyler emitted a high-pitched groan/ scream type of noise that frankly, scared the shit out of Josh.   
Tyler saw him flinch and grinned. 

"Did I scare you?"

"No." Josh said firmly, shutting the door. 

"No?" Tyler made his way around Josh, making him look at him and raising his eyebrows. 

Josh narrowed his eyes. "Get your stuff out of the back you ass." 

Tyler grinned and turned to grab his suitcase out of the bed of the truck. 

It wasn't till they were walking through a, frankly hideous hallway, that Josh spoke again. 

"You seem excited still."

Tyler met his gaze. "Yeah, I love yellow wallpaper." 

This comment, sent Josh into a laughing fit that immediately dispersed any tension Tyler had in his stomach and he grinned along easily. 

He was excited, and he couldn't help the smile on his face or his kind of annoying hyper attitude. Because after months of fighting for this, he was here and even if it really was just hotel rooms and stock rooms, it was a hell of a lot better than anything he would've done at home. 

He scrunched up his face. Thinking he "fought" for it entailed he went through some sort of intense training and struggle. Which in reality he just... went to therapy a lot. And admittedly the reason he had to go so much was his fault.   
But as Josh swept the card through the machine on the door, Tyler decided he had fought for this, in a way.   
As cliché as it sounded, he'd kind of fought himself. 

Tyler had an affinity for backing out of things he knew he'd like to do. And he wasn't even gonna pretend like he didn't second guess this trip. He didn't even know how to explain it. Like obviously he was extremely excited about this, he had been working towards it, he felt it held a purpose. And yet there were multiple instances where he just felt like... not. 

"Is this good?" Josh's voice cut through his thoughts and he stepped into the room after him. 

The wallpaper wasn't quite as ugly, but it certainly was, a look. The carpet and upholstered chairs clashed and Tyler wondered why hotels always seemed to have the worst interior designers. There were two full size beds separated by a night stand. The comforter was the same horrid green as the chairs and the sheets were folded pristinely over the top. The whole room smelt oddly... unlived. 

Tyler's smile returned to his face, "Its great." 

 

____________

 

"You know I really marked you as the pessimistic type, but you seem to be having the time of your life in this shitty hotel room." Josh remarked, he'd gotten out of the shower about five minutes ago and stood at the door frame that connected the bathroom and main room, watching Tyler play with the volume on the TV.

Tyler's gaze turned from the TV to Josh. He'd just put on boxers because he figured they would just be sleeping given it was nearly midnight. Especially given that Tyler had been playing with the TV since before he got in the shower. 

Tyler's gaze fell all over Josh's body. He felt like that should make him uncomfortable, but it didn't. In fact the thing that made him uncomfortable, was that he knew he looked good, and he wanted Tyler to look at him. And Tyler did. He didn't even try to hide it. He'd done the same thing at Josh's apartment.   
That should probably make him uncomfortable as well. But again, he revelled in it. But he shouldn't. And he was mad at himself and he didn't want to admit what he already knew, so he pretended he didn't see Tyler looking and went through an internal cycle of self-loathing and pleasure. It was exhausting. 

When Tyler's eyes returned to his, he smirked. 

"You didn't dry off at all." He remarked. 

Josh frowned. "I did." 

"There is water literally dripping off of you."

Josh chose to ignore this comment and instead flopped down on one of the beds. 

"Okay so I'm taking the other one saying that one is now practically a water bed."

"We could just push them together and make an ultra bed." Josh said, and he'd said it as a joke.   
The sarcasm and feigned excitement had been clear in his voice. But when he glanced back at Tyler, his eyes had lit up and Josh suddenly knew the night was not going to start until he pushed the beds together.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I was busy writing and publishing a different fic for absolutely no reason other than I can't commit to anything. It's pretty good tho.   
> Anyways, I love Debby as a person so she's in this chapter as Josh's old friend.

Josh discovered that Tyler sought warmth like a leech in his sleep. This thought just came at first with Tyler taking all the blankets and rolling up like a burrito with only his nose up sticking out of the top of the blanket. This in itself had been kind of endearing, and Josh waited till Tyler was fast asleep to take the blankets and fix them normally.   
Then it occurred again when he was woken up at 3 in the morning because Tyler's ice cold leg had worked it's way into the crook of Josh's knee.   
And even then, Josh had marked this as cute and left it alone. But now it was 7 and Josh was staring directly at the ceiling.   
Because Tyler now had both legs wrapped in Josh's and was laying sideways with the blankets wrapped around his torso. 

"Tyler?" Josh tried, but he got no response. 

"Yeah lets push the beds together." Josh muttered, trying to move around without hurting Tyler's legs. 

He shifted around until he was laying sideways with Tyler. It was 7 in the morning. He was going back to sleep regardless of where Tyler's limbs decided to situate themselves. 

 

___________

 

When Tyler opened his eyes he was met with the sight of Josh's face above him. Tyler sat up. 

Josh blinked up from his phone at him from where he was sitting against the headboard.   
"You're awake."

"Sorry," Tyler yawned, stretching. He must've moved around till he was laying in Josh's lap in his sleep. 

"You seem to radiate towards heat when you sleep." Josh said dryly. 

"Sorry." Tyler repeated. 

"You're not." Josh replied, looking back down at his phone. 

"You're right." Tyler said laying back down and pointedly putting his head right back where it had been.   
"You could've moved me."

"You would have just rolled right back 5 minutes later." 

They sat in comfortable silence while Tyler re-started his brain.   
"Who are you texting?"

"My sister."

Tyler raised his eyebrows. "About what?"

"I told her to tell the rest of the family I left."

Tyler sat up again. "You didn't visit them before we left?"

Josh shut off his phone screen but continued to look at it.   
"No."

Tyler bit the inside of his cheek. He was in no position to lecture Josh on family etiquette. He just knew how upset Josh's family would be... he'd met them... 

"I'm gonna go grab something to eat. Do you wanna come or should I bring you back something?" Josh asked, moving off the bed. It was a diversion, Tyler knew it. 

Tyler didn't let his eyes drift over Josh's frame as he pulled a shirt on. Not this time.   
"I'll stay here, I need to shower." 

Josh nodded and left Tyler to shift back into a laying position and stare at the ceiling. It seemed like he always ended up in this position. This hotels ceiling was smooth, unlike his house's. But it was still just as vacant and unforgiving.   
Tyler perfectly understood Josh's reluctance towards his family. He had a much more valid reason than anyone Tyler had ever met with family issues. And while part of him thought he shouldn't push him out of his comfort zone, shouldn't invoke some stress triggered panic attack; the other half of him had an overwhelming urge to help and push Josh until he could look his mom in the eyes again.   
He owed that to him, as his friend.   
So then and there Tyler made a promise to the hotel ceiling that he was going to help Josh. He'd be there for him. 

Almost immediately his head cleared and his stomach didn't feel so tight. He sighed. Now he really did have to take a shower. 

Not that showers were a bad thing to him or anything, in fact a lot of the time Tyler felt something quite symbolic about the water rinsing over him and down the drain. As if it cleansed more than his physical body.   
He thought about that while he grabbed clothes and a towel. He grabbed ahold of the hot water knob. Tyler had always liked his showers hot enough that it turned his skin red and steam rose off the floor of the shower. 

He thought about the sweat and dirt he knew had gotten on him from being in Josh's truck, and also his natural affinity for sweating in his sleep. The seats in Josh's truck were leather, and Tyler distinctly remembered his neck and hands becoming slick with sweat and sticking grossly to the seat when he left them in the same position for too long, clinging to the material. He supposed that it was pretty gross, but he also was reluctant to wash that off. Almost as if it'd make it less real or if he washed it away then it'd be like it'd never happened. 

He snorted and twisted the knob all the way, muttering "real introspective Tyler." 

 

___________

A swirling pool of guilt had made its home Josh's stomach by the time he opened the hotel door. He was relieved to hear the shower running, setting down two bags of food he'd picked up.   
He had been especially short with Tyler that morning and he felt really bad about it. He knew Tyler was already insecure that Josh didn't want him here and Josh figured being an asshole wasn't helping with his thoughts.   
It was just- he knew that Tyler wanted him to talk to his family more and... as much as Josh liked that idea in theory, in real life.. it wasn't that simple. 

The water shut off abruptly and Josh braced. He expected Tyler to come out awkwardly, sullen and silent. He'd expected to have to apologise and have a heart-to-heart. But as always, Tyler just couldn't be tied down to expectations.   
He came out of the bathroom with a flourish, with only boxers and jeans hung low on his hips. He joined Josh on the beds (still pushed together) and started unwrapping his food, smiling slightly. 

Josh opened and then closed his mouth. Here was Tyler, in all his tan glory, shining like the sun in the dim hotel room, shovelling food into his mouth. 

Okay... okay, yeah. Josh could work with this. He didn't want to think about his family anyways. He liked this don't mention it thing. 

Josh finally decided upon saying, "I got you extra hash-browns." 

And then, Tyler's eyes moved to his, smirk still adorning his face. "Thanks. They taste just like the ones your mom made the day before we visited."

And all in that moment Josh realised that Tyler Joseph was not shining like the sun. He was bright, yes. And definitely hot. But not like the sun.   
Tyler was like a broken piece of metal, scorched in a fire. Damaged, but strong and poised ready to hurt. 

Josh let out a breathless laugh and then put his head in his hands. "You're an ass." He breathed. 

He could feel Tyler grinning at him, teeth bright like the rest of him. 

 

__________

 

"Are we going to get stock?" Tyler asked, buckling his seatbelt as Josh pulled onto a road from the hotel parking lot. 

"No," he replied, switching gears "You were getting restless in the hotel so we're going on a drive."

Tyler frowned. That made him sound like a 3 year old. "Isn't this wasting gas?"

Josh seemed to consider this and then said, "It's less money than ordering room service for the 3rd time."

"Okay, is today just pick-on-Tyler-day??" He crossed his arms. 

Josh glanced at him, "That isn't everyday?"

This comment sent Tyler into a silent fury that lasted a whole 15 minutes before he started fidgeting around.   
He had shifted in his seat for the seventh time- he was counting, before Josh sighed. 

Tyler took this as his turn to speak again. He threw his head back against the head rest. "It's hot... where are we going."  
He was aware that now he also sounded like a 3 year old, but he didn't much care at this point. 

"I don't know.. keep your eye out for anything you wanna look at."

Now he pushed his face into the window. They weren't exactly in a big town. In fact they were in the type of town that you could easily drive through without realising, so as you couldn't imagine, there really wasn't much to "look at".   
Tyler started playing with the switch that controlled the window. 

It wasn't till he rolled the window all the way down, unbuckled his seatbelt, and started poking at Josh's shoulder, that Josh sighed again. "What are you doing?"

"Where are we goingggg. There's nothing to look atttt." He whined 

Josh ignored him, didn't even glance over. So, like any rational person, Tyler slunk way down in the seat and stuck his foot out the window.   
This got Josh's attention. 

"Tyler, what are you doing!" 

Tyler took his turn ignoring Josh. 

"Tyler put your foot back in the car!"

No response. He wasn't giving up. 

Josh pulled the car off to the side of the road and put it in park. 

Tyler pulled his leg back in the car. Josh was now turned sideways in his seat, looking at him. 

"Hey Josh," Tyler said. 

"Hey Ty." Josh replied, sounding slightly exasperated. 

Tyler cheeks heated involuntarily at the nickname and Josh raised his eyebrows. Tyler watched them go up up up on his forehead. 

"If you ever dyed your hair, would you dye your eyebrows too?"

Josh rubbed his hand over his face before seemingly deciding to go along with Tyler's game. He didn't have a choice regardless.   
"No I probably wouldn't."

Tyler considered this a good thing. He thought it looked kind of weird when people had bright coloured eyebrows. Not bad, but he couldn't imagine Josh with them. 

"What colour would you dye your hair?"

Josh evaded the question, "So is this what you wanted to do? Just chill in a hot car on the side of the road? Talk about my hair?"

"Well you didn't stop at that bar we passed."

Josh smirked. "Tyler your not old enough regardless. And that bar has been 'under renovations' for as long as I've been coming here." He used his fingers to make air quotations around "under renovations". 

"Well that means I can go in. No security, no age limit."

"Yeah and no alcohol either. It's been standing there for years."

"I don't like alcohol, I like empty places."

"Are you really trying to convince me to go with you into an empty bar? For no reason?"

"No, I'm telling you that you told me to see where I want to look at, and I know what I want to look at."

"It's probably full of homeless people. Or it's locked. What are you gonna do if it's locked?"

"Cry." 

Josh sighed, but he was already shifting gears. 

Tyler grinned, slinking back down in his seat. 

"Tyler I swear to god if you put your foot out the window again I'm driving us into a brick wall."

 

_______________

 

As Josh had suspected, the bar was empty. Windows dusty and shutters pulled closed. The doors were locked and street was nearly abandoned. This, of course was no obstacle for Tyler. He dragged Josh around the back of the building and found the service ladder leading to the top of the building. 

He turned to Josh, "What do you say Josh, wanna take a suicidal guy to the roof of a building?"

Josh sighed, "You're mom is gonna kill me."

Tyler grinned and started up the ladder with ease. 

By the time Josh pulled himself over the side, Tyler was already squatting towards the middle of the roof, looking down at something.   
Josh joined him and found a small rectangular window, which miraculously was push open about two inches. 

"Skylight? Or emergency escape?" Tyler debated, seemingly to himself. 

"The floor must have so much weather damage." Josh commented. 

Tyler ignored him, pulling the window open more and dropping down into it before Josh could say anything else. 

Josh heard him land and peered down at Tyler's grinning face. 

"You gonna come with or are you just chillin'?" He called up. 

"I'm insane." Josh muttered before swinging his legs over the side and dropping in, the window just big enough to let him through. 

He landed on his feet luckily, but he felt his ankles throb with a dull pain. He pointedly ignored this. If he hurt his ankles jumping into an abandoned bar with an 18 year old, so be it. It was the least of his problems at this point. 

Josh looked behind him at the counter. Most of the stools were upside down on the counter, but a few were laying on the floor as if they'd been placed precariously and fallen with no one around to fix them. Josh picked one of these up and set it upright, dusting it off and sitting on it. 

"Electricity is off." Tyler noted, flicking the switch up and down. 

"Almost like no one is supposed to be in here." Josh retorted, peering at Tyler through the dim light coming through the skylight. 

Tyler ignored this and moved on, running his hands along a pool table until he found a bulletin board on the wall. Papers cluttered over it. The only one Josh could read from his seat was a black one with big neon lettering screaming "GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS". 

Tyler turned to him and once again Josh found that look in his eye. The one that made him look like blue fire. His grin turned sharp and eyes alive. Josh found himself grinning back. 

 

__________

 

There is a strange feeling you get when you're in a place that used to be full of people and activity, and is now completely empty and silent.   
Tyler didn't know what that feeling was named, but whatever it was called, he certainly wasn't feeling it.   
He wasn't feeling a melancholic sadness or a tranquil happiness or even eerily bad. He was excited.   
He could feel it bubbling up inside him, he wanted to yell and dance and run his hands over everything in the room. Though that would certainly disrupt the silence.   
He turned to face Josh and found his eyes already on him, barely made out in the dark. The sun was starting to descend and that meant the bar would be dark soon. 

Tyler decided they would definitely come back to this place. 

"You ready to go?" He asked. 

"I'm surprised you are." Josh replied, but he stood from his spot and used the stool as a step. He pulled himself out of the skylight and Tyler watched his back and arm muscles work before following suit. He didn't much need the stool, he was always good at climbing. 

Josh waited for him at the roof and made him go down the ladder first. He heard Josh's feet watched the rocks under them, and then heard a noise behind him.   
He turned to find an angry looking man standing a few feet away. 

"What were you doing up there?" He asked, voice gruff. 

"Just exploring." Tyler said, guard up. Josh stepped closer to him. 

"Exploring on my ground?"

"Yours?" Tyler's eyebrows raised. 

"Tyler." Josh's voice sounded in a warning, but Tyler ignored him. 

"This is an abandoned bar. Unless you're the previous owner, it's not yours."

Tyler felt something stiff collide with his cheekbone and stumbled back before realising that the man had punched him. 

"Hey!" Now Josh was moving towards the guy. 

Tyler felt his fist again, this time his nose shifted and he felt grinding and a pop before his head hit the bricks with a force he heard instead of felt. 

 

When Tyler woke up, he was in Josh's truck. He could taste his own blood in his mouth and throat, and he could feel it dried on his mouth and chin.   
He brought his fingers up to wipe it away but hissed and pulled away at the pain even the slightest touch had caused to his nose. 

"Well don't touch it." Josh said from the drivers seat. 

Tyler meant to retort but instead choked on his blood which was y'know, disgusting. 

"Where goin'?" He managed. Josh understood. 

"That asshole broke your nose so we're going to my friends house to fix it." 

"You 'ave frens?" Tyler choked out. 

"How are you still an asshole when you're unintelligible?"

Tyler was quiet for a moment, he thought about asking Josh what happened to the other guy, but there was more blood clogging up the back of his throat. 

Maybe he pulled Tyler out of there and away from him? But that guy didn't seem like the type to give up so easily. 

Had Josh fought him off? Could Josh fight someone off?

Tyler's eyes travelled down Josh's arms. Images of him right out of the shower flashed in his mind.   
Oh yeah. Josh could definitely do some damage. 

Speaking of damage, Tyler turned his head and flipped down the sun visor to look in the little mirror. He blinked at his reflection. 

His face was gradually getting more flushed and he quickly pushed images of Josh out of his mind and focused on how weird he looked. 

He could see two trails of blood dried over his lips and down his chin. He peered clearly at his pants which sure enough, had drops of blood on them.   
His nose was... odd. 

It was puffy, and the middle was slightly off-centre as if-

"Oh god," Tyler groaned, "is my nose broken?"

"That's what we're going to find out." Josh replied, but he didn't look at him. 

"It's so broken." Tyler sighed. 

 

When they pulled into a driveway, Josh quickly ushered Tyler out of the car, rushing him. 

"Sorry I'm a little injured." He said, feigning annoyance. 

"Right and who's idea was it to go through a ceiling vent into an abandoned bar?"

"It was a skylight, firstly." Tyler said. Josh laughed, hand on his back, and pushed him towards the door. 

Josh only had to knock once before the door opened. He must have called beforehand. A woman stood there, she didn't look much older than Tyler, but she quickly pulled them inside and before Tyler knew what was happening, he was sitting on a couch with embroidered cushions. They reminded him of Jenna's house. 

When Tyler pulled his gaze from the decor, the girl had settled down across from him in a chair. 

"Debby this Tyler,"

Tyler braced, ready for more. But nothing came. 

"Tyler this is Debby." Josh finished. 

Tyler had to stop himself from gaping. Everyone had something else to say. 

'This is Tyler, he's... troubled.' or 'This is Tyler, don't mind him.' or 'This is Tyler, you'll have to get used to his sense of humour.' 

But none came with Josh. It was just another thing that made Tyler's fingers itch to write. 

Debby was smiling at him. "Well Tyler, you've got a simple break." 

Tyler didn't want to spit up blood on her nice pillows so he just nodded. She moved closer to him and he knew if his nose wasn't fucked, she'd smell wonderful. 

Her hand came up in front of his face and he frowned. She smiled again, and he felt Josh shift so their legs were touching. 

"I'm gonna shift your nose back into place." She said. 

Tyler blinked, "'Ou know, I'dve really p'frerred not knowin'" he managed. 

Debby laughed and he heard Josh sigh. 

The worst part was Debby's hand feather-light on his nose. It shot his nerves and it felt like fire, then there a was an awful sliding that felt more gross than painful, and then a kind-of satisfying 'pop' that Tyler was happy about until it suddenly hurt with outstanding pressure.

Her hand was gone and there were tears in his eyes but he still said, "Why are 'uo so 'sperienced at tat?"

Debby laughed again. "You're strong Tyler." And then he was given a wet washcloth and paper towels and directed to her bathroom. 

 

__________

 

"Sorry this was such short notice." Josh apologised. 

"That's okay," Debby said, drawing her feet up next to her in her chair. "Haven't seen you in a while."

"Rarely stock here, small town after all."

Her eyebrow raised. "Seems like you've been busy." Her eyes flicked to the bathroom door where he could hear water rushing. 

His laugh was also a sigh. "Busy and consumed." He admitted. 

She nodded, "I thought so." 

Josh opened his mouth to ask why she'd thought so, but then the bathroom door opened and out came Tyler.   
His nose was still pretty swelled but all the blood was off of him and the front of his hair was wet from washing his face. 

He looked at Debby, "I got blood on your towel I'm so sorry, I think I owe you a life debt." 

 

Back at the hotel, Josh asked Tyler if he still wanted the beds pushed together. 

"Why wouldn't I?"

"What if accidentally punch you in my sleep and your nose breaks again?" 

He shuddered, "As long you break it so badly I never have to get it slid into place again."

Josh grinned "You handled it pretty well."

"Repressing and disassociating usually blocks out the mortal feeling of pain." He replied. 

Josh sighed, "We were doing so well on the normal conversation aspect." 

"Sorry, I mean... I blacked out. What happened?"

Josh rolled his eyes. "I'm gonna shower, you wanna-"

Tyler raised his eyebrows and Josh's face flushed red in seconds. 

"You wanna change out here while I'm in there?" He finished. 

He turned and fled to the bathroom. Tyler laughed as the door shut. 

 

_________

 

'We are just setting sail  
On the seas of what we fear  
Treason now is growing near to me'

Tyler scanned over the last lines he'd written in his journal. They'd been scrawled during the first few hours of driving. Josh had been peeing in a gas station bathroom and Tyler couldn't help but to write. Similar to now. He was still continuing that poem he'd started all those months ago which really was strange for him. 

'I'm coming clean  
God hit me straight on'

He wanted to snort, but he really couldn't with his nose in its current condition. The guy that hit him was hardly godlike, but Tyler had always been a fan of overdramatising. 

The water in the bathroom shit off and Tyler slid his journal back in his bag under the bed. It wasn't nearly enough, but he wasn't quite ready to show Josh what he was working on yet. 

Josh came out with clothes on for once and while Tyler was slightly disappointed, he was also glad because he actually did need to sleep and not just think about Josh with his shirt off. 

"Don't look so thrilled." Josh muttered, getting into the bed. 

"So about what colour you'd dye your hair.."

Josh shoved a pillow into Tyler's face. 

"Ow!!! You're such an ass!!!!" Tyler exclaimed, trying to grab his nose without inflicting further pain. 

"I told you.. I might sleep-punch..."


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is I, the queen of adverbs, finally,

Josh had noticed a few things about Tyler over the few days they'd been in this town, and one of those things was that Tyler wasn't nearly as relentlessly snarky and sassy as his was in Columbus. This had worried Josh for a while because, if Tyler wasn't an asshole, what was he? 

But apparently breaking his nose had been a reset button for the asshole trait, because he'd woken up that morning with every sarcastic comment he could muster rolling off his tongue.   
Maybe he was compensating because his nose was still pretty swollen and he looked kind of like a hammerhead shark. 

Another thing he'd noticed was Tyler really, especially, with out a doubt did NOT want to talk about his family or going back to Columbus. The first few times Josh had asked him if he was homesick or if he had called his mom, he'd completely shut down on him. This had stunned Josh, Tyler had never shut him out like that. He still wasn't sure how or if he should approach it again. 

Tyler however, had no problem mentioning Josh's family. In fact, he seemed to have a personal goal of bringing them up as much as possible. 

Another thing Josh had noticed, or rather discovered, was a new part of Tyler that he'd seen in that stupid bar. 

He'd been so... present, in a way Josh had really only seen in short bursts before. His hands running over every surface they could like he was pulling information off of them. That's what his eyes looked like too. Like he was retaining and storing information in his head just by glancing at things and it made Josh want to stare at him for as long as possible. 

It was the Tyler that Josh wanted to watch all day. Even though he got punched in the face, even though it was stupid, it made him want to go back. 

It was the Tyler that could make Josh do dangerous things just for fun. 

 

____________

 

Tyler decided he did NOT want to go with Josh to pick up whatever it was he was getting today. They'd been in this town for a few days and Josh was just now getting the stock. Mark really needed to put him on a stricter schedule.   
Not that Tyler wasn't having a good time here.  
You would think with his nose broken he would feel kind of dumb and inclined to stay quiet, but it was quite the opposite.   
To Tyler, it was almost like getting his nose smashed into his face hit a button in his skull that read "ALIVE" or something profound like that. At the very least it read "hyper" because that what he was. It was the adrenaline rush of a lifetime and he knew why. That bar was exactly what he'd wanted. The feeling in it and the feeling in him was what he'd been telling Josh that he'd wanted to find on this trip. He wanted to find it again.   
Now, he decided he couldn't sit still for much longer and got up, walking around while he dialled Jenna's number on his phone. 

Three rings and then, "Ah, and so he calls."

Tyler smirked, "Yes, and you should be thrilled."

"I seem to recall telling you to call EVERY day. Not once a week."

Tyler couldn't think of a witty response quick enough so he went for shock instead, "I broke my nose."

Silence, and then "...is that an innuendo?"

Tyler frowned "Gross."

She sighed, "So you've broken not only my heart, but your nose. What's next, Josh's spirit?"

"Maybe" he replied, smirking. 

"Gross," Jenna said, mirroring Tyler from earlier. "Call your mom."

"Yeah I was going to, I just figured you'd want to hear from me first."

"You're not that special. Call her. Love you." Then she hung up on him. 

He sighed, being the phone down to look at the screen. He really did intend to call his mother. But it was similar to when people intended to file taxes. Or go to the DMV. Or like, some other unpleasant but not completely unbearable chore.   
Nonetheless, he dialled the number. 

Three rings and then, "Hello?"

He blinked, "You'd think you'd have your own son's phone saved as a contact."

He heard her let out a sigh that sounded like relief. "You've never called me off your cell before."

That couldn't be true. "I've called you from Josh's apartment before. And Jenna's house."

"Yeah, off their phones. Why do you think I haven't called you all week?"

He hadn't thought about it. "You could've called Josh."

"I didn't want to bother him with you more than he's already taken on."

"How nice of you." He muttered. 

"Speaking of, how is it going?"

"What? This trip? It's good. I'm good."

Then came the slightly awkward silence where his mom was probably wondering if the general statement "I'm good" was sarcastic or not, and if not; did that cover his entire mental state?  
This is why he hated phone calls. He wouldn't have to sit through this weird silence during a text conversation because she could've said something stupid like she didn't reply because she went to the bathroom. 

He cleared his threat, "Haven't gotten punched by any middle aged men." He mused. Then he frowned, somehow that was a blatant lie. 

He quickly backtracked, "Ah- I mean haven't..." he quickly thought of somethings he hadn't done. "Ruined any cars." He finished, sounding semi-confident. At least he didn't remember ruining any cars. 

His mom, ever the avoider, said "You wanna talk to Madison?"

"Yes."

Then came another silence and shuffling that texting could've saved him from. 

"Tyler?" Maddy's voice filled his head, somehow higher-sounding through the phone. 

"Hey," 

"Are you using your journal?"

He laughed, "Wow Mads way to really cut through the small talk,"

Tyler practically felt her rolling her eyes. "Yes, I'm using the journal."

"Good, I was afraid you left it here or something."

"Wouldn't dream of it." He said, because it's true, he wouldn't. It would be a strange thing to dream of. 

 

____________

 

Josh unlocked the hotel door and opened it to find Tyler mod phone conversation, standing on the bed(s). 

"...hey?"

Tyler glanced at him, and then continued his phone conversation, walking along the edge of the bed casually. 

Josh shut the door behind him. He figured Tyler must be one of those people who couldn't hold still during phone conversations. Josh wasn't one of those people, simply because he was terrified he'd drop his phone or trip or something. 

Tyler jumped down off the bed and began kind of just... spinning. But like, slowly. Like a nonchalant circle. 

Josh raised his eyebrows and Tyler stopped, facing him. 

But then, Josh's eyebrows REALLY rose. Because Tyler was wearing a black, long sleeve, semi-transparent shirt. Josh could see Tyler's fully healed chest tattoos and ever-present skinny frame through it. 

Tyler smirked, obviously seeing Josh's interest and posed as if he was taking pictures for vogue.   
Josh ripped his eyes away from Tyler, who audibly chuckled. 

"Okay, I'll talk to you soon. Love you too, bye." He heard Tyler and the call. 

Josh braced for a comment, and when none came, his eyes found Tyler again. He was buttoning one of the buttons on his sleeve. His see-through sleeve. 

"Where'd you get that shirt from?"

Tyler raised one eyebrow, "birthday shopping with Jenna."

"You've never worn it before." He would've remembered that. 

"Well, Columbus is kind of a conservative town you know. It's like if I were to wear a crop top to school."

"Are you going to do that now?" Josh asked, trying to keep any and all desire OUT of his voice. 

Tyler wasn't dumb, and Josh could see he knew in the twitch of his lips and the glint of his eyes. It reminded him of the Tyler at the bar. "Maybe."

Josh cleared his throat, "Uh- let's clean up we're out of here." 

Tyler, for once, let it go. "Where we going next?"

"Just a few towns over. After that we'll be out of state and then we'll touch base in Columbus and then head the other way."

Tyler seemed content with that answer so Josh ventured out a little, "Was that your mom?" 

Tyler began picking clothes up, "Yeah, and Maddy. I also called Jenna."

Josh nodded, not entirely sure how to continue on the subject, or if he even should.   
He didn't like this awkwardness he felt spread between them. He rarely felt it with Tyler so when it happened it was so much worse than normal.   
It stemmed from a place of uncertainty in Josh and an unwillingness in Tyler and neither of them knew how to fix it. 

Luckily, it didn't last long because Tyler turned around with a grin, Josh's underwear hooked by the band on two fingers. "Why are they by the fridge?"

Josh's face heated and he snatched them out of Tyler's hand. "You're an ass."

 

_________

 

Tyler wasn't sure what it was about being in Josh's truck comforted him to the point of sleep, but whatever it was wasn't working in his favour today.

Maybe it was because he'd woken up hyper or maybe it was just because they were getting farther from Columbus, but Tyler was awake. 

"What'd you get for... stock..?" Tyler asked, not sure how to word it. 

Josh nodded graciously, "steel pipes."

"Well," Tyler said "not tread on your business, but I feel like steel pipes aren't going to sell well."

Josh laughed "No, we're trading them next town over for some stuff." 

Tyler, solemn, said "Is this a drug deal?"

Now Josh really laughed, and Tyler got a sense of pride that he was able to make him laugh so hard.   
Then he felt like that was a weird thing to be prideful of because.. he wasn't sure. It was just strange. He'd never felt prideful of making Jenna laugh. Except this one time when she peed her pants laughing. He was extremely proud of that. But Josh wasn't peeing. 

 

____________

 

"Tyler if you touch my system with your toes one more time I'm pulling over." Josh said when he saw Tyler's foot creep into his peripheral vision. 

His toes, poised dangerously close to the volume knob, suddenly disappeared, replaced with the sound of Tyler erupting into laughter. Josh's stomach fluttered at the sound, but he frowned because he already knew why Tyler was laughing. 

"Who.. who says "system"...when referring to a truck's stereo.." He said in between breathes. 

Josh narrowed his eyes at the road. "Have I told you yet today that you're an ass?"

Tyler continued to laugh and repeat the word "system" lightly until Josh cut in.   
"Why are your shoes even off? Were you not wearing socks with your vans?"

Tyler made an indignant noise. "I'm not a HEATHEN Josh, I just took them off."

"Oh so you're offended that I assumed you weren't wearing socks, but you don't get offended when someone punched you in the face."

"Listen, every time I've been punched, there's been a reason behind it. You just blindly through that accusation at me. I can't believe you."

"Okay well, it was rightfully assumed. Who takes off their socks and shoes just to mess with another persons car system." Josh said, emphasising the word system. 

"I'm only doing because if I use my feet I don't have to lean forward. My legs are longer than my arms Josh." He said, as if it was the most rational thing in the world. 

"Oh, you're right of course. I should've thought about that." Josh replied, letting the sarcasm seep through his voice. 

Tyler leaned towards Josh, "Pull over and fight me right now."

Josh, not having a reply, gassed the car, making Tyler fly backwards into his seat. 

"OW. WHY?"

Josh smirked, "You really should be wearing a seatbelt Tyler."

"I THINK I JUST GOT SPINAL CORD DAMAGE."

"It'll match your nose." Josh commented, switching lanes. 

 

_____________

 

Josh parked in small parking lot in front of what looked like a duplex of small businesses. 

He turned to look at him and Tyler looked back, not sure what was going on. 

"Cmon, get out." 

"What?" Tyler said, undoing his (now buckled) seatbelt. 

"We're gonna pick up from here."

"No hotel room this time?"

"We gotta do this first, we spent too much time last time."

"It my not my fault someone broke my nose-" Tyler protested. 

"I never said it was, someone's a little defensive." Josh said, sliding out of the car. 

Tyler made sure Josh saw him glaring all the way to the door before he snapped back into his semi-polite, impressionable teen look. Josh knocked and Tyler took in the place. 

Like he'd thought initially, this place looked like it'd been a duplex that had been converted into little shops. Tyler wondered why the door was shut if it was intended to be open to the public. It could easily just be mistaken for a living house. The sign out front was tiny and nondescript. 

"This is one of the most important stops." Josh muttered to him. 

Tyler was about to question him, but the door opened and a man with a blonde high and tight opened the door.   
His eyes found Tyler and then Josh. 

Josh opened his mouth, "Hey Co-"

"Yeah, just come in." The man said, Turing and leaving the door open for them to follow. 

Josh smiled and motioned for him to go ahead, so he did. 

And then he figured out why this was an important shop.   
The entirety of the place was like a thrift store for everything you could think of. It was divided into two sections. One side full with racks of clothes of every colour, pattern, texture, size, and style imaginable; and the other full of literal shelves of just... stuff. Trinkets and kitchen appliances and old DVD's and bike pumps and everything else. Exactly the type of stuff Mark and Josh sold. 

Tyler, king of prioritising, immediately pushed everything else from his mind and set out to explore the shop.

 

__________

 

Josh leaned over the counter and handed over a few hundred to Collin, who rolled his eyes at him.   
"Take what you want," he motioned to the store. 

"Thanks." He turned to go but then Colin said,

"Who's the boy?"

"That's Tyler."

"Business partner?" He asked

"Life partner." Josh replied. 

Collin raised his eyebrows and Josh quickly backtracked, "no no, not like that. Just- I'm not. No. Not a business partner." He tried to explain, face heated. 

"Alright," Collin said, amusement clear in his voice. 

Josh turned towards the shelves. Collin was his first and oldest client and this was always the strangest and most unprofessional stop, but also the most interesting and fun. 

He propped the door open with a brick and went in and out a few times with boxes from the truck to start putting things into. 

He was about half way through getting together a box of CD's, mixed in genre and casing; when he bumped into Tyler, who dropped an awful pair of white sunglasses on the floor in his surprise. 

"Sorry," Josh apologised. Then, getting another glance at the rounded lenses as Tyler put them back on the shelf, "but I did save you, those are awful."

"Don't glasses shame me." Tyler frowned. 

"Tyler- they're horrible, I'm only trying to save your life."

Tyler pushed them farther into the shelf with all the attitude an 18 year old boy could muster and stalked down the aisle.

"You know you could help me pack." Josh called after him. 

"Not my business." Tyler sighed back, waving his hand dismissively. 

"Well then why don't you buy something? Help out a local business."

"I plan to." Tyler said, and disappeared behind a shelf with a flash of a smirk. 

Josh was struck with the thought that if he didn't know Tyler, he'd find him quite off-putting. 

 

About 20 minutes and two boxes later, Tyler appeared again, this time with clothing in hand. 

He held a white T-shirt with estranged text spread out around a cut out of Ohio that said "I run my city" in a size 4XL.   
"Whaddya' think?" 

"Tyler it reaches your knees."

His eyebrows raised, "That's your only problem with this?" Then he disappeared again. 

He was back less than 5 minutes later with two matching jean shirts. And just one word on his lips, which he whispered solemnly too close to Josh's ear.   
"Jhirts..."

"Tyler if you even touch me with those I'm calling the police."

Once again Tyler left but this time when he came back, Josh didn't even look up.   
"I don't want to know."

"But Josh," Tyler whined and Josh sighed, defeatedly looking up. 

Josh's breath caught in his throat and then quickly developed into a choking cough and he had to sit down.   
This time Tyler wasn't just holding a clothing item, he was wearing it.   
And IT was a neon green crop top with "CEDAR POINT" scrawled over it. It had been obviously cut from a crew neck and the raw edge hit a few inches above his belly button, fully exposing his hip bones and jeans sat low on his waist line. 

"tyLER TAKE THAT OFF!" Josh wasn't sure if he should laugh or cry. 

Tyler was obviously keen on laughing, as he basically erupted into a fit before changing back into his shirt. Not that it was much better for Josh given that it was see through.   
He wasn't sure how much more of this he could take before he could stop himself from looking. 

And that was NOT an option. 

 

__________

 

Tyler exited the thrift store after paying for some stuff he bought and joined Josh in the truck where'd he'd just finished putting the boxes into the back. 

Josh eyed his bag warily. "Tyler of you bought that green thing I'm-"

Tyler rolled his eyes, "I didn't.... at least not THAT one."

Josh sighed deeply and Tyler grinned. He had said "green thing" as if he hadn't scraped every inch of Tyler's visible skin with his eyes. He could pretend all he wanted but Tyler had seen his face flush. That was a tell all for Josh. A fatal flaw to his hetero-facade if you will. Given how many times he'd personally seen Josh's pupils dilate and face become close to the shade "tomato", he could see straight through Josh, pun intended. 

Josh drove them to a little motel that said things like, "overnight!" "No Vacancy" "In-room WiFi!" And "extended stay" all on one sign. 

Apparently this motel was less high-maintenance than the last because Josh was only in the main office for about 7 minutes before Tyler saw him heading back towards the truck in the rear view mirror. In fact, it was exactly 7 minutes and 34 seconds. He had been counting. He didn't particularly like staying in the truck by himself, because he didn't particularly like public parking lots. But he was NOT about to tell Josh that.   
Josh was the type of person who would start having Tyler come with him every time purely out of the goodness of his heart and Tyler already had enough known problems. 

When you have a laundry list of issues publicly known, it becomes annoying to add more. 

This room was smaller, with less ugly carpet and more-peeled wallpaper, a smaller bathroom off the main room, and one king size bed. 

Tyler looked at Josh and before he could say anything Josh, face red in all it's glory, said "I didn't want to have to deal with pushing the beds together okay." 

Tyler tsked at him, "Someone's a little defensive." He said, mirroring his tone from earlier.

After that Josh took a shower to "get away from Tyler's assholeness" 

Tyler told him that wasn't a word and he shouldn't pretend it was. 

 

___________

 

Josh stepped out of the bathroom feeling happy. It was hard to describe. He somehow had been anxious all day about the call with Tyler's mom and talking about it to Tyler, but all day Tyler had been his usual self and that made Josh happy and it was hard to determine why. Actually, it wasn't hard to determine why, he knew exactly why, but he wasn't about to admit that to himself anytime soon. 

"Wow Josh, I know we're close and everything but watching me sleep?" Tyler's voice sounded from his form on the bed. 

Josh hasn't realised he was zoned out and accidentally focused on Tyler. 

"You weren't asleep so," was the first thing that came to his brain. 

Tyler sat up, eyes shamelessly falling over his shirtless form. 

Josh found himself thinking he should shy away from this. Josh found himself doing the opposite. 

He smirked. Like payback for the see through short and crop top earlier.   
When Tyler didn't say anything after a moment,   
Josh said, "What so you can take your shirt off but I can't?"

Tyler shook his head "I didn't say anything."

"Your eyes did." Josh replied before he could stop himself. 

Tyler's eyes snapped to his. Shit. He leaned forward. There was a challenge in his eyes as he inclined his head,   
"Yeah? What'd they say?" 

ShitShitShitShit. Josh held Tyler's state, debating heavily what he should say. He had two reactions. One being definitely NOT what he was going to say, and the other was... was... uh... what was it again?

Their silence remained as Josh's brain raced for something-anything to say that wasn't his initial reaction. There was a tension in the air between them and Josh refused to think about what it was or why. He needed to defuse the situation, he always did that when this happened but for some reason it was like his tongue was too big and he couldn't form any words.

His brain fought valiantly but Tyler kept inclining his head and the image of his skin stretching over his jawline was very distracting. His mind kept flashing the image of Tyler's hip bones and silhouette from today, and after a few moments, Tyler sat back against the headboard, triumphant in his ability to render Josh speechless. 

"I feel like I should take another shower." Josh muttered, walking to the bed and Tyler laughed. 

 

_____________

 

Tyler wasn't exactly sure what had just happened, but he was certain he was going to do everything He could to make it happen again.   
Josh had never played back like that before, and especially had never been silenced like that. With that look in his eyes and his gaze all over Tyler so openly. 

It was exhilarating. Tyler felt like he'd gotten punched in the nose again. He frowned, but like, in a good way. A great way. He was ready to run a marathon or something. Which was unfortunate, because it was midnight. 

Instead, he reached for his journal and opened to the same writing he'd been on since the first time. It was long enough now that he was getting to the bottom of the page, and he classified it as a poem, but he felt like he could add a lot more to it still. 

He scrawled "lovely" at the top because it felt right and then scratched it out once, twice, three times because it also felt right. He read through it and then re wrote the same thing he'd wrote awhile back

"You say things with your mouth cobwebs and flies come out   
I hear a second voice behind your tongue somehow  
Luckily I can read your mind"

But this time it wasn't about him. It was about Josh. Because whatever had just happened let an awful lot like that verse. And he was ready to dive deeper into that verse.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruh you wouldn't believe how many times I had to come up with different names for "eye sex" in this chapter.

"This," Tyler proclaimed, "doesn't seem like work." 

He eyed the building warily. It looked like every grimy, low-security, high-chance-of-casual-murder pub, that'd he'd ever come across in his life. 

The red glow of the open sign splayed across Josh's face and made it slightly disconcerting when he rolled his eyes. 

"What you have no problem breaking into an abandoned bar via ceiling, but you're scared of the open to the public one?"

Tyler nodded gravely, "the abandoned one didn't advertise whatever that is on its front door." He pointed towards a door sized poster of a fully naked women with small writing claiming it was for a "foot massage specialist". Josh figured feet weren't the real thing being specialised in. 

"Well you won't get punched here... probably." He held the door open for Tyler, who glared at him before stepping inside. 

The comment made Tyler's fingers unconsciously fly towards his nose. The swelling was pretty much gone, it was still pretty sore and the bruising was no longer the kind of beautiful blue-black, instead favouring a gross paler version that was not nearly as appealing, and far too mushy for his liking. He ran his fingers along said bruises as his eyes wandered over the dimly lit room. To his surprise, (despite the poor lighting) it looked like a fairly normal and trustworthy bar. Pool tables set up and a bar complete with stools and a bartender with a rag over his shoulder and everything. It was like a barbie dream house: bar extension.   
Tyler frowned. He was sure there was something wrong with that comparison but he was distracted. 

A woman had noticed them, or rather, Josh. She called him over and Tyler followed him, feeling a little self conscious about his nose. It wasn't Josh's comment that did it, it was the girl. She was beautiful and her eyes refused to find him. Instead, they lingered over Josh's tattoo and nose ring, a bit too judgemental for Tyler's liking. 

"I'm here for a pick-up.. should be scheduled under Reel Bear-"

"Oh? Yeah, you're right here, lemme call in the boss." She smacked her gum and dialled into the desk phone. 

When she hung up she finally glanced to Tyler, then back to Josh. 

"You're kind of young for this aren't you? Who's the kid, Are you two business partners or?"

A surge of indignance came through Tyler, he reminded himself that this was Josh's job on the line and he was most definitely not supposed to say anything snarky.  
He waited ten seconds for Josh to say something, to glaze over the comment or ramble; but then he realised Josh was looking at him, waiting for him to answer.   
Once again, Tyler was hit with overwhelming appreciation for Josh. Anyone else would've either ignored the comment or tried to smooth over it, but Josh's badly hidden smirk was telling him to do whatever he pleased. 

"Ah... the kid, is me, and is also standing right here." He said, eyebrows raised at Josh, making sure this was okay. 

The girls eyebrows raised, now she sounded a little indignant, "I just figured he was your boss."

Tyler glanced once more at Josh, who was still badly concealing his amusement.   
Then, "Well that's really none of your business anyways. Speaking of bosses, here yours comes."

Another girl, this time looking at both of them and the now pretty pissed off desk lady, approached from a door in the back of the bar. 

"Reel Bear?" She asked, and Tyler was relieved her tone was much less judgemental than desk-lady's. 

Josh, finally able to wipe the smile off his face, nodded. 

The lady's eyebrows pinched together in the centre and a wrinkle appeared on her forehead. Her tone was apologetic,  
"I'm sorry, the shipments a little late, but it'll be here later tonight. Would you mind stopping by then? I'm truly sorry for the inconvenience."

Josh's head cocked slightly, "Its really alright, but aren't you in business tonight?" 

The women smiled and grabbed two slips from behind the counter, signing them with a pen she seemed to magically produce from the mound of hair pinned up on her head.   
"Here, these will get you into the VIP for free. Drop in and we can talk during the night." 

Josh began shaking his head, "Ah, no really that's alright we can come back tomorrow morning or.."

Maybe it was the previous adrenaline from his back talk with the desk lady, or Josh's lingering smirk fresh in his mind; but he couldn't stop himself from cutting in. 

"Actually I think that's a great idea." He said. 

The woman smiled graciously at him, accepting and all-encompassing now that he was agreeing with her. She didn't seem to see his bruised nose or youthful face as she handed the papers to him. He shoved them in his back pocket, smiling as polite as he could. 

 

____________

 

"I thought you said you weren't making executive decisions." Josh said as they climbed into his truck. 

"Like I said, this doesn't look like work."

It's not like Josh was mad, in fact seeing Tyler speak his own mind with no prompting was, in his opinion, probably something his therapist would consider a positive. Not that Tyler ever had a problem saying the things in his head, but this was different. He'd taken charge of a situation in which others were directly affected. The problem was; Josh didn't do clubs. 

"I mean, we can go but, I don't do the whole... night scene."

He had about three seconds before he realised what he'd said and sighed before Tyler erupted into laughter. Josh really needed to start figuring out some vocabulary that made him seem less old. 

After Tyler regained the ability to breathe normally, he asked "Why not?"   
Josh knew he had resisted the urge to repeat "night scene" and he appreciated that. 

"Night clubs are a lot of black out drinking, and dancing, and accidentally opening bathroom stalls on drug deals and awkward sex positions." Josh replied and Tyler's eyebrows raised. 

He continued, "and I don't enjoy black out drinking, dancing, drugs, or awkward sex." 

Tyler blinked. "Okay. Or. You could pee before we leave, remain only slightly intoxicated if at all, and watch other people dance." He said, gesturing to himself. 

"Wait, you're telling me you can dance."

Tyler looked offended, "why do you sound so surprised?"

"When did you have time to learn to dance between all the moping and self-deprecation?" 

"Right after my therapy sessions for suicide attempt, but before my session for depression and generalised anxiety." Tyler replied. 

Again, Josh felt that if he'd never met Tyler, that kind of comment would have been jarring. Maybe he would've gotten offended or something.   
But he did know Tyler. He knew that just because he said that didn't mean he suddenly had an overwhelming desire to kill himself again. He knew that it was Tyler's issues and if he couldn't talk about them, who could? If Josh acted like Tyler couldn't joke about his own problems, then what would he do? Internalise them? That's what lead to his problem in the first place. 

"You're 18, where have you ever been to know you can dance?"

Tyler raised his eyebrows, "I was best friends with Jenna."

"Fair enough" no explanation needed. 

Tyler laughed. "Also, I'm part Lebanese, so you know, the rhythm flows through me naturally."

Josh stored this information in his library of Tyler facts. "I can't believe Tyler Joseph is a lesbian." He said seriously. 

Tyler rolled his eyes. "Make fun all you want now, but wait till you see me dance."

Something about that comment sent a feeling through Josh. It reminded him of how he felt watching Tyler in that abandoned bar. So, instead of pondering on that feeling, he shoved it down and started the truck, pulling out of the parking lot with more speed than necessary. 

Drive from your problems Josh. 

Except, when the problem is sitting next to you in the car.

 

__________

 

Tyler was living. No no, he was THRIVING. He looked incredible. Even though he was stood in a cramped motel bathroom with shitty lighting and a crack-resistant mirror that warped his reflection slightly, he could see he looked great.   
Once his therapist had told him he "had traits that contributed to the idea of narcissism", and she was probably right.   
For a guy who wanted to end his own existence, he certainty did enjoy himself. 

Not to say he'd never had a negative thought towards his appearance. He sometimes thought he was too gangly, and he had awful thumbs, and his face looked a little too baby-ish, and he could not grow facial hair to save his life. Not that'd he'd want to do that. 

But right now, his gangly-ness turned to height; his youthful face and inability to grow a beard screamed "young and snack-like". And his thumbs didn't matter right now. 

His nose, still slightly sore and bruised, had finally gone back to regular size, and was now a completely normal colour thanks to the small tube of concealer he'd found at a drugstore they'd stopped at so Josh could get "driving snacks". That place was incredible... so many aisles. 

Outfit wise, unfortunately, the cedar point tank top was just a little too green for his palette and he had put it back at the thrift store, but the dark grey longline jacket he'd found for $17 made up for it. He also wore the see-through shirt under it because he knew Josh would make a comment, and his ever-present black jeans. 

When he exited the bathroom Josh switched places with him pointedly refusing to look anywhere expect the ground and shutting the door on Tyler's heels. 

Tyler rolled his eyes. Josh really needed lessons in steeling his facial expressions. 

 

__________

 

Josh looked himself in the eyes in the shitty, shitty hotel mirror. And with a shitty shitty attitude, he whisper-demanded to himself that he would NOT have a single thought about Tyler tonight that wasn't STRICTLY something a friend/mentor/road trip pal, would think. 

Now that that was out of the way, he could go back to hating everything. Josh h a t e d night clubs, they were always hot and sweaty and people were always so close and he was never sure if the bar stools were actually always suspiciously wet or if it was just his imagination. And yet here he was, putting on a sleeveless light blue button down because he knew it'd make his arms look good. Another thing Josh hated: when people had "good jeans". Josh had four pairs of black jeans. They were all worn, all of them had pre-ripped holes that were then torn bigger from use. Especially at the knees. He had no "good jeans". He had suit pants but why would he wear suit pants with anything except a suit? So black jeans it was.   
There wasn't much to do with his hair at this point. He'd gotten the Mohawk touched up a few times and let it grow into a faux-hawk, and to be honest it was kind of trendy and cute according to three girls that stopped him at the mall a month ago. 

When he walked out of the bathroom, as expected, Tyler was shoving his black vans on his feet right in front of the door. 

Josh really really tried his best to avoid eye contact with any part of Tyler, but it was useless because Tyler kept speaking to him. 

Finally, he gave up and let himself take in Tyler's appearance, noticing Tyler doing the same to him. He began lacing up how boots. Tyler probably mistook his silence for rudeness or dislike but really he couldn't say anything because he was afraid he might blurt out "THOUGHTS OF A FRIEND/MENTOR/ROAD TRIP PAL" Which is what he was screaming at himself to keep from drooling. 

 

___________

 

Tyler didn't even try to approach the bar area. He wouldn't kid himself. He would pass for a fifth grader before he passed for 21. The VIP section as it turned out, was a raised area with a separate, smaller dance floor and an even smaller bar that kind of overlooked the main floor. The clubs Jenna had snuck them into had never been this nice and he spent a few minutes leaning over the railing next to their table just looking at everything. He glanced at Josh who had just set a drink down and wiped his hands on his pants.   
He looked less than thrilled. 

"Don't like the scenery?" Tyler asked. 

"Don't like the... scene." He replied. 

Tyler wondered why Josh had this personal vendetta against bars. 

"It doesn't seem so grimy. I doubt anyone is having awkward sex in the bathroom." 

"I'd rather not take that chance." Josh replied, sipping his drink. 

It had a tiny yellow flag sticking out of the top of it and Tyler took it from the glass and started playing with it between two fingers, really just to have something to do with his hands. 

Josh let him duck and take a few drinks out of his drink every once in a while. It tasted more like fruit than alcohol, which Tyler was glad for. High school parties and Jenna's outings had taught him that he hated the taste of straight liquor. And god, he'd never even glance at beer again. 

Josh drummed his fingers on the table, speaking to Tyler over the semi-intrusive music.   
"When do you think they'll show up with stock??"

Tyler opened his mouth and then frowned. "Josh, your demographic is mainly high school students, what the hell are you getting here??"

Josh laughed and Tyler's frowned deepened. He knew Mark would never let him sell anything illegal. "Bars are surprisingly great for getting collectible stuff. Novelty cups, shot glasses, stuff that high school kids about to move out like."

The music quieted down, "You know, if I was moving out, I don't think my first priority would be cups."

Josh tapped the side of his nose in agreement and a few minutes went by until Tyler tired of his sighs and glowering. 

"Why are you acting like some moody teen- why are you acting like me??" 

Josh huffed, "I don't feel like waiting what are we supposed to do?"

As if on cue, another song started and Tyler grinned.   
Josh shook his head gravely as Tyler started to stand. 

"We dance."

 

______________

 

Josh was absolutely NOT about to dance. But he also knew if he didn't oblige Tyler, he'd probably come dance on the table or something. So, instead of facing forward and not looking like he planned, he turned in his chair so he was facing the dance floor with his back against the railing. 

By now, people were getting more drunk, aka: more willing to dance. As people started crowding in, Tyler made sure to stay in the outer throng. Not so coincidentally in Josh's direct line of vision. 

Thoughts of a friend/mentor/road trip pal.   
Except maybe not. 

It wasn't like Tyler had some sexual choreography or intense dance routine planned out but, he was right about having natural rhythm. He also knew how to isolate certain parts of his body-namely his hips, while he danced. Compared to the drunk Drabble going on next to him and the breakdancing contest on the main floor, Tyler was probably dancing the best out of the whole place. And he was just occasionally glancing at Josh. 

Josh knew he wanted him to join him on the floor but even if he'd wanted to, he couldn't. He was pinned there against the railing at every glance Tyler threw him because he was for sure not having friend/mentor/road trip pal thoughts and he didn't want to act on anything that wasn't thought out completely and rationally.   
Except maybe not. 

Because Josh, obviously, was not the only person in the bar. And he was for sure not the only person who could see Tyler. He was however, the only person here who had a connection to Tyler, and maybe that's what made him act up. 

Because Tyler turned and apparently that was enough to catch a guy on the other side of the floor's eye. Tyler was already turned back towards him, but now the guy was making his way over, sauntering his way across the floor with an easiness that made Josh frown. Josh was watching the guy, who was eyeing Tyler, who was really just minding his own business. 

Josh tried to convince himself that this guy looked like a creep. Like someone a friend/mentor/road trip pal would protect each other from.  
So with that excuse, he was drawn out of his chair and towards Tyler like one of those old waddling wind-up toys.   
And when he got there Tyler grinned at him, proud of himself, hips still moving and eyes glinting. 

"Jesus Christ..." Josh muttered, luckily too quiet to hear over the music. 

Josh glanced over just in time to see that the guy had apparently decided he wasn't going to battle with Josh and was heading towards someone else.   
Unfortunately, now Josh was stuck on the dance floor with his not so friend/mentor/road trip pal thoughts. 

 

___________

 

If Tyler thought he was thriving earlier, now he was living at the highest standard. Wealth. Luxury. He was gleeful, even. Because he'd just gotten the hater-of-bars, "I will not dance", moody-ass, Joshua Dun on the dance floor without even asking.   
Yes, he did have to practically eye-sex him for ten minutes, but he was not letting that take away from this accomplishment. 

Now Tyler knew Josh was uncomfortable. He wasn't a complete sadist, he wasn't going to start twerking on him or something drastic now that he was here. He wouldn't do that, at least not... publicly.   
He wouldn't throw Josh into a publicly awkward situation. 

But he was gonna push around a bit. 

And push he did. 

He thought maybe it was because he had a girl best friend for so long, or maybe it was just because he had Jenna as a best friend for so long; but Tyler had learned how to dance while being... in tune with his body. He knew what looked good and what didn't because he'd spent time doing these dance moves in front of a Jemna, and a mirror, many times. Tyler, as he'd already expressed, was a raging narcissist.. sometimes.   
Not to say he had any sort of actual dance experience and he would never insult actual dancers by saying he knew how to. Like yes, he knew how to move himself in a way that coincided with a rhythm, but he had no fucking idea what a pirouette was. 

Unfortunately, he wasn't able to dance near Josh much at all (pirouette or otherwise) because suddenly Josh spotted the owner, and took the excuse to immediately get off the dance floor. 

Tyler smirked, he'd get him eventually. The night was young and Tyler was NOT a quitter. 

He frowned. Well, that wasn't exactly true, he did technically try to quit.. breathing so.   
He shook his head. When it came to Josh, he was NOT a quitter. 

___________

 

Josh's heart and replaced by an extremely intrusive jackhammer. He was doing alright at first, but anytime Tyler dropped slightly or neared him his thoughts were replaced by an intense whirring ruckus and his heart started pumping blood at a speed Usain Bolt would applaud.   
As soon as the manager had brought out boxes he'd taken all five of them and took them to the truck in one trip.   
The cool air calmed the construction site going on in his nervous system. 

He sat in the bed of his truck, letting his feet dangle over the edge.   
He didn't smoke because he would rather salt his own eyes, but if he did he felt like now would be a great time to have one.

After a few moments, he became aware of Tyler's presence. And looked to see him with his arms crossed over the side of the bed, leaning his weight into the side of the truck. He'd taken his jacket off at this point and Josh was too mentally fatigued to hide his gaze over his arms and chest. 

Tyler, while obviously noticing this, did give him the gratification of not starting anything. He must have known Josh was tired. Josh appreciated that. 

"You ready to go?" Tyler asked, the softness in his voice surprised Josh. 

"Are you?" It was kind of early to go, he'd expected Tyler would make them stay till the late AM because he'd be excited about being let into the VIP. 

But Tyler nodded, "I think I'd rather nap." He said. 

Josh smiled. "Tyler Joseph. Are you telling me you don't like, the night scene?" 

Tyler rolled his eyes and smirked, putting his head on his arms. "You're so old I swear to god." 

Josh kept looking at him, still smiling. Being around a lot of people like this always made his anxiety flare up and afterwards it made him feel kind of weird. Disorientated and numb-ish.   
He was grateful that Tyler wanted to go back to the hotel. 

 

____________

 

As they got into the truck, Josh grinned. 

It was mischievous and uncharacteristic. That couldn't mean anything good. Tyler frowned. "What?"

"I'm totally on a call Jenna and tell her you made us leave early." 

Tyler groaned. "Oh my god if you wanna complain so much then stay here I'll sleep in the parking lot."

Josh tsked and started the engine. "That's right, I forgot. You can't drive." 

"Several ton automobiles don't mix well with people with little-to-no impulse control. Or like, ya know, general willingness to die." 

"Yeah but driving gives you a kind of freedom, like an independence."

Tyler eyed Josh. He'd mentioned independence before. It was obviously pretty important to him.   
He opened his mouth, but then shut it. 

Josh was obviously pretty exhausted. They'd been around a large crowd all night and Tyler had put him through a lot of dancing.   
He would bring up the independence talk later. When Josh wasn't so tired and Tyler wasn't slightly buzzed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Figured I'd give you guys this kind of fun chapter before,, a freaking r e c k o n i n g


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